Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Colonel John Grubb

I'm gearing up for the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. I know almost nothing about horse racing, and yet, I always seem to win money on horse racing. Here’s how I do it!

Race: 2006 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Barbaro to WIN

I bet on Barbaro because of the baseball player Barbaro Garbey. I got his autograph at Wonderland Mall after the Tigers won the World Series in 1984. He wasn’t exactly an integral part of the team, but the lines were too long for Chet Lemon and Alan Trammell. And now you know the rest of the story.

Race: 2007 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Street Sense to WIN

At the time of this race I was in Las Vegas. I picked Street Sense simply because it was the favorite and you’re not allowed to go more than an hour without betting on something. You only have a gambling problem when you lose!

Race: 2007 Belmont Stakes
Bet: Rags to Riches to WIN

I placed a couple small other bets on this race at my local OTB. Now, if you wanted to show someone what a cool person looked like, you would never take them to an OTB because that place is a grimy nut house. But as I walked out, a big black guy was standing by himself, just leaning against a wall and eating a whole bar of Toblerone. He looked at me and said, “Rags to Riches, my brother. Rags to Riches.” I immediately went back in and bet on Rags to Riches to win.

In summary, before placing a bet on a race, you need to ask yourself three questions:

1. Which horse shares a name with a member of the 1984 Detroit Tigers?

2. Which horse is the odds-on favorite?

3. What’s the cool black guy eating candy think?

Pig Pen

Uh-oh, I forgot to do laundry and had to wear mostly dirty clothes to work!

Friday, April 25, 2008

One more thing, one more thing...which way to Beauty Bar??

Anyway. Big time show on Sunday. This one's shaping up to be an old fashioned pitcher's duel:

Roger Hailes
Chris Jurek
Peter Kassnove
Richard Sandling
Mary Van Note

With special guest: You!

Plus, as always, me and Vince Averill.

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (Btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)

Temp to Stuffed

One of my favorite things is called a subsidized cafeteria. I can't tell you how or why they come to be, but the place where I work has one and, well, let me just get straight to bragging about it.

This is what I had for breakfast:

20 oz. Starbucks Coffee
16 oz Tropicana (Some Pulp) Orange Juice
Egg Whites, Spinach, Sausage and Swiss Cheese on Flatbread
Small Cheese Danish

Total Price: $3.65!

Here's what I had for lunch:
Slow Roasted Marlin
Steamed Asparagus
Salad (with Chick Peas, Carrots, Olives, Tomatoes, Black Beans and Blue Cheese Crumbles)
Large Ice Water
Slice of Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

Total Price: $5.50!
Completely insane. I normally consider it a perk if I don't have to clock out to take a leak and at this place I get to eat sit-down restaurant type food for less than I use to pay to force a Subway 6" Garbage and Cheese Turdwich down my throat for the 9,000th time. I feel like a drifter who snuck onto the dining car and no one's noticed him yet! In fact, and this is not a joke, I was in the cafeteria loading up on blue cheese and I overheard a lady say this:

"Stop by later and I can lend you my opera glasses."

Charmed, I'm sure!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

That Would Be Fantastic

I just got my tax refund back and rolled it over into Dennis Scott rookie cards.

This'll be the one that finally gets me square!

Reunited and It Feels So Good For Your Butt

Not sure why, but one of my favorite cereals as a kid was always Crunchy Corn Bran. I hadn’t seen it anywhere in years and I figured it had been put out to pasture. So you can imagine how quickly I sprung into action when I spotted some boxes of it at my local grocery store.

Pull up a bowl, old buddy. We’ve got a lot of CRUNCHING up to do!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Straight Latchkey

This Colorado couple, just like so many other parents, is currently trying to decide on whether they should raise their child as a Crip or a West Side Baller. Both perfectly good gangs, and yet, sworn enemies. What to do?? There are no easy answers and it takes a lot of disorderly conduct, harassment and domestic violence charges along the way:
On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into a video rental store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.

After he ran out of the store, police were called and the 19-year-old was arrested at his home.

His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Sandoval said.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little too pie in the sky on this one, but as long as a child is given food, shelter and a healthy fear of snitching, it shouldn’t matter what gang they claim. And besides, there are a great many benefits to being raised in a mixed-gang household: two initiations, a wider color palette, uhhhhh, more turf? Less? I'm not really sure.

To gangs!

Tell me about the Yankees, George!

Thanks to all the news coverage about the Red Sox jersey buried in Yankee Stadium I’ve learned that curses are very real and the people who help foil them are heroes.

And, coincidentally, this is the picture I see in my head whenever someone mentions the Yankees:

No. 1 Fan ‘Bar’ None

It's like warm picnic table

So. Um. Here's this:
Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table.

Price is married with three school-aged children. Neighbors tell us they're now worried about the kids.

Why? Are they picnic tables?

That's been my time, have a good night!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Wherefore art thou, Sloth?

My dingleberry landlords hired a bunch of dumb-dumbs to work on the roof and they promptly busted our Direct TV hookup. This has left me without TV since Thursday. I repeat: I have been without TV since The Day of or Lord Thursday!

This will not do. On Sunday I woke up at 9 AM, put on a pot of coffee and walked to the store. I came home, ate breakfast and read the Post and the Times. Then I cleaned my room. Then I read part of a book. Then I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for a bit and realized it was still only 2:00. I was so bored I almost exercised!

With any luck we can get this fixed so I can get back to watching the Detroit Tigers kick my whole summer right in the nuts.

Jim Leyland, pictured here with 2008


I realize there have been some serious gaps in posting on this thing. I’m sorry. You are never far from my mind, it’s just that sometimes I get busy, you know...LIVING MY LIFE!!

(Jesse flips over THE TABLE and punches YOU)

Just kidding.I will try to work the blog into my everyday routine. Before too long, posting will come as naturally as tying my shoes or walking back to my apartment because I forgot my wallet.

You’ll see!