Friday, August 15, 2008

Next Stop: Right Now

Sometimes people skulk around the subway turnstiles and then ask people for a swipe of their Metro Card. A woman was doing this on my way to work the other morning. I didn’t realize that my card had expired until I swiped it and the screen said INSUFFICIENT FARE. So I walked over to the machine to get a new card, but the woman mistook my walking away as me swiping my card for her. She said, “Ohhhh, thank you so much!” and barreled right into the still locked turnstile before I could say anything.

We’ll file that story under You Had to Be There Physical Comedy.

Anyway, if you happen to be in or around Cambridge, MA next Tuesday, you should come to the Lizard Lounge. I’ll be doing stand-up at my friend Neil Cleary’s show called Neil Cleary’s Doozy. Says this mention:

Boston roots rocker Neil Cleary says he wants Doozy, his Tuesday night residency
running through August at the Lizard Lounge, to feel like a cross between the
classic rock documentary "The Last Waltz" and "The Muppet Show." And if anyone
can pull off that balance, Cleary would be a good candidate. He has a knack for
writing infectious pop rock tunes undercut with sarcasm and self-deprecation
(think Matthew Sweet or Aimee Mann). The residency will feature comedians (Jesse
Popp), musicians (Boston's David Champagne), funny musicians (James Kochalka
Superstar), and musical comedians (MC Mr. Napkins).

21+. 8:30 p.m. $5.
The Lizard Lounge, 1667 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge. 617-547-0759.

Looking at the flyer, the other performers on my night are:

James Kochalka Superstar
David Kamm
MC Mr. Napkins
The Artificial Hearts

Come on down!

Also, come to Beauty Bar on Sunday!

Do so many things!

Spain So Solly!

As most of you probably know, the Summer Olympics are currently taking place in China. So, obviously, the Spanish basketball team posed for this photograph:

Not Pictured: Shooting Guard Mickey Rooney

Take a lap, Spain!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Late to the Party

I came home last night and saw that somebody had gone to work on the door to my apartment building. Broke through the first pane of glass, tried to pry open the lock. Hasn’t this person heard about gentrification? You should be doodling in a coffee shop, jerk face!

And where were the old drunk guys that play dominoes outside almost 24 hours a day when all this happened? Their surveillance skills may be slipping seeing as how I’ve walked past them at least 900 times and the other day I came home and one of them said, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

If you ask me, I think the landlord tried to steal the building for the insurance money, but then realized it wouldn’t fit in his van. At the very least, I put the over/under on him fixing the door at 4.5 months. Place your bets!

To be honest, though, I’m not even sure where I live. When I first moved in the broker said it was Williamsburg. Then someone asked me where I lived, I said Williamsburg, they asked me my cross streets, I told them and they said, “Nice try, that’s Bushwick.” So then I started saying Bushwick but someone pulled the same routine and said, “Sorry, that’s Williamsburg.” So now whenever someone asks me where I live I just throw a bunch of Neutral Milk Hotel CDs into the air and run out of the room. The perfect diversion!

Painting the Town Famous

Growing up in Michigan I never got to see very many celebrities. The truth is it's mostly people from "The Midwest". Sure, one time I saw Chris Hansen at the hardware store, but that was back when he was still a local reporter on the make and online predators were just a glimmer in his eye.

But here in New York almost every time you turn around it's Wowee! and Holy Smokes! Lookee who it is! Here are some of the celebrities I've seen and what exactly it was that I saw them doing.

Andre Dawson

Autographing a baseball for a youngster.

Wallace Shawn

Dropping something in the street and then picking it back up. Whoops!

The Guy from Ashford and Simpson

Wandering through Central Park alone, appearing to be strung out on pancake makeup.

Andy Rooney
Shuffling down the sidewalk at the rate of one half mile per hour. They should be called sideSHUFFLES, right Andy?

Michael Musto
Riding his bicycle in search of gossip.

I came upon a crowd of people causing a commotion on the sidewalk. A young woman I didn’t recognize was being lead into an SUV by a bunch of bodyguards. I asked some lady who it was and she said RIHANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I guess that was her.

Adrien Brody
Walking with his arm around a girl. He must be beating them off with an Oscar!

Tim Robbins
Using an ATM. I tried to see what his balance was but I was all the way on the other side of the street!

I walked right past him and looked at him like “Whoa, it’s The RZA from Wu Tang Clan!” And then he looked at me like “Whoa, it’s Jesse Popp from the 2002 season of Comedy Central’s Premium Blend hosted by Wanda Sykes!” Then I went to go get a haircut.

Who do you think I'll see next??