The Heart Punch Kills!

So, I got interviewed in the New York Times, if you can believe that. It's for a weekly series called One in 8 Million, which is definitely worth checking out just in general. Do it!

It should also be noted that I don't have Sirius, but if you do, check out Guys Uncensored on Cosmo Radio. It's hosted by Kenny Zimlinghaus and I've been on a few times with Greg Johnson and Peter Kassnove. It's fun and they give me free coffee and orange juice and pretzel sticks. That's how uncensored I am.

And be sure to come out to Beauty Bar this Sunday. Vince Averill and I, as always, plus all these funny comedians:

Katina Corrao
Hari Kondabolu
Morgan Murphy
MC Mr Napkins
Barry Rothbart

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE


(via Matt McCarthy)

Letter

I read part of this at a show in January and just found it again. Here you go!

Dear Jesse Popp,

My name is Michael Bloomberg. I am the mayor of New York City. The best part of being a mayor is making up new laws!

We have a lot new laws in the works right now, in fact, so I am asking you and other celebrities to read this letter out loud as part of a campaign to let all New Yorkers know about the neat stuff they can look forward to in 2009.

No Sweets Before Dinner Act

For far too long, our health care system and local businesses have bore the burden of spoiled appetites. That is why from 4:00 to 7:00 pm, residents will no longer be able to purchase any food or foodstuff which derives more than 27% of its calories from sugar, high fructose corn syrup or other simple carbohydrates. If and when you clean your plate, you will be given a voucher redeemable for either a piece of fruit or two small to medium sized reduced fat cookies.

Swear Jars

By 2011, 3,000 green friendly swear jars will be installed on street corners throughout the city. All proceeds go directly to the New York Yankees.

Dirty Movie Tax

A 9% sales tax will be added to all R and NC17 rated movies to fund the security and upkeep of the city's swear jars. Any surplus revenues will be earmarked as cab fare home for Derek Jeter's one night stands.

Subway Changes

Decades of bureaucratic malfeasance have brought hard times upon the Metro Transit Authority. Therefore, train service will be cut in half, fares will be doubled, and MTA employees will be required to yell at you within three seconds of asking them a question down from the previous five seconds.

Tax Tax

All that comes with the collection and spending of the increase in taxes on almost everything has revealed some major weaknesses in our infrastructure. To alleviate this, there is now a four percent tax on all taxes. For example, when you purchase a non-diet soda pop (legally, between 7:01pm and 3:59pm the following day), you will pay the 4% state sales tax, the 4% city sales tax, the %0.375 Metro Transit Authority tax, the 8% non-diet soda pop tax and the 4% tax tax...tax.

Public Restroom Freeze

Construction on new public restrooms will be halted immediately. The few currently existing public restrooms will be locked and camouflaged. I just think it's funny when people shit their pants.

Best Regards,
Mayor Michael Bloomberg

On the Dole

Let's check the news:

NASA aims for unmanned moon rocket launch Thursday

I guess that means I didn't get the job.

Fla. city to workers: Wear underwear, deodorant

Jesse Popp to Fla. city: I have extensive experience in wearing underwear, deodorant and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Jobless Taiwan man steals just for free prison lunch

Well, I'm not quite there yet. Talk to me when this box of Quaker Oatmeal to Go Breakfast Bars is gone. And I have some cans of sardines in the cupboard. I'll probably crack into those before I send myself to prison. Hell, I might even just go grocery shopping. We'll see!

Those are all jokes about how I've been unemployed for three months. Get it??

Dr. Cat

There’s a neat set of photos up on Flickr of the movie theater I worked at back in Michigan when I was still just a lousy teenager. It’s been closed up for a number of years and set to be demolished in favor of a fitness center even though I believe there’s already a fitness center nobody goes to right down the street.

My favorite part might be the stark contrast between the women’s and men’s bathrooms.

Ripoff. We should've unionized!

In my day

A curious intro to this Vanity Fair Article:

Splendor in the Grit
If New York City were to slide back into the crumbling anarchy of the 1970s, as some fear, would that be so bad? The author recalls a time when artists’ lofts were inhabited by actual artists, every subway car held potential drama, and legends–Lennon, Warhol, Garbo–walked the streets.

Technically, John Lennon didn't get murdered walking the streets of New York until 1980, so I guess he has a point. The only thousands of people who got shot in the 1970's weren't even in The Beatles!

And we all know how tourists are worse than crime:

One key difference between the 70s and today is that in the 70s the tourists looked scared. Getting back to the hotel alive was one of the main items on their checklists. Now they beam as if they find everything on display cute and flaunt their bulging shopping bags like hunting trophies, their Midtown experience confirming all of their Carrie Bradshaw expectations. In the 70s, there was a much sharper divide between Us (the battle-hardened veterans who knew the best places to brunch) and Everybody Else.

Whoa, check out the tough with all the brunch smarts! "Grab your switchblade and follow me...I know a joint with 2 for 1 mimosas!"

Ding-A-Ling

It should be noted that I guess I'm on Twitter now until whatever the next thing you need to do comes along and then I'll have to get on that for a while, too. Check it out!

Also, you can listen to me talk on a couple of recent podcasts:

Jumping for Joy w/Zachary Sims and Mark Normand

The Comedy Nerds w/ Dustin D'Addato and McInerney

So, a guy in the building next to my apartment called my landlord yesterday to complain about how he can see an ashtray on my windowsill. It's technically a roughly 6" tall flower pot, but anyway, here's an excerpt of the message from my landlord:

There is a large ashes tray on a window where if it falls the cigarettes butts would fall into the next door rear yard.

Let's take a look at this doomsday scenario:



I can only imagine the three years worth of other things on this block that drove him crazy before he finally got to that. Total fartface!

Swerve

If you browse the side jobs on Craigslist, you’ll notice there are usually people looking for dealers at their private poker games. And then you might think, “Really? Huh, I’ve played lots of private poker games and never had to hire someone to deal.” But it all makes sense once you read one of the ads:

Seeking an attractive young lady who will deal cards in only bikini bottoms this Sunday for a small poker game.

Knowledge of how to play poker is a plus but not a must.

Please respond with a picture.

$50/hr for approximately 4 hours

That reminds me, I need a half-naked woman to help me and some other strange men move a piano. Please send me your picture. You don’t need to know what a piano is. $$$$$!

If you wait another day

Well, two months with no posts. I'm sorry, but I've been very busy lately:



Whoops! Don't worry, tomorrow it begins anew and we'll be back together. Just me and you, internet.