Thursday, June 18, 2009


I read part of this at a show in January and just found it again. Here you go!

Dear Jesse Popp,

My name is Michael Bloomberg. I am the mayor of New York City. The best part of being a mayor is making up new laws!

We have a lot new laws in the works right now, in fact, so I am asking you and other celebrities to read this letter out loud as part of a campaign to let all New Yorkers know about the neat stuff they can look forward to in 2009.

No Sweets Before Dinner Act

For far too long, our health care system and local businesses have bore the burden of spoiled appetites. That is why from 4:00 to 7:00 pm, residents will no longer be able to purchase any food or foodstuff which derives more than 27% of its calories from sugar, high fructose corn syrup or other simple carbohydrates. If and when you clean your plate, you will be given a voucher redeemable for either a piece of fruit or two small to medium sized reduced fat cookies.

Swear Jars

By 2011, 3,000 green friendly swear jars will be installed on street corners throughout the city. All proceeds go directly to the New York Yankees.

Dirty Movie Tax

A 9% sales tax will be added to all R and NC17 rated movies to fund the security and upkeep of the city's swear jars. Any surplus revenues will be earmarked as cab fare home for Derek Jeter's one night stands.

Subway Changes

Decades of bureaucratic malfeasance have brought hard times upon the Metro Transit Authority. Therefore, train service will be cut in half, fares will be doubled, and MTA employees will be required to yell at you within three seconds of asking them a question down from the previous five seconds.

Tax Tax

All that comes with the collection and spending of the increase in taxes on almost everything has revealed some major weaknesses in our infrastructure. To alleviate this, there is now a four percent tax on all taxes. For example, when you purchase a non-diet soda pop (legally, between 7:01pm and 3:59pm the following day), you will pay the 4% state sales tax, the 4% city sales tax, the %0.375 Metro Transit Authority tax, the 8% non-diet soda pop tax and the 4% tax

Public Restroom Freeze

Construction on new public restrooms will be halted immediately. The few currently existing public restrooms will be locked and camouflaged. I just think it's funny when people shit their pants.

Best Regards,
Mayor Michael Bloomberg

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