Because He's Not Good At Sports But You Make Him Play Them Anyway

(via Amazon)

20/20

We've all wanted to skip out on work before, but this Colorado Blockbuster employee wanted it more than you could ever know:

Man says he stabbed himself because he didn't want to work

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

Yes, skinheads or Hispanc males. Definitely one of those two. But, also, I mean, maybe they were either The Yakuza or black guys. It all happened so fast! Anyway, if you could just cover my shift and then never ask me about this again, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!

Paranormal

Here's a thing from the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon blog with a bunch of NY comics. I show up briefly to do a poor job of pretending to be scared but a good job of actually eating free popcorn. Also, finally, recorded evidence of Peter Kassnove sitting on my lap! Enjoy!

Nilsson v. Bunch

Am I crazy or does Harry Nilsson's Driving Along and The Brady Bunch's Good Time Music almost sound like the same song?





Either way, at least I've maintained my streak of never once wasting time on the internet!

Get your ass to Mars

Laying the groundwork for a possible mission to Mars, The European Space Agency is looking for volunteers to lock up for 520 days right here on Earth and see if they go crazy.

Unfortunately, according to the application, I am ineligible for a few minor reasons (over 185cm tall, a smoker, not a resident of Europe or Canada, lack of fluency in Russian, no background or relevant work experience in medicine, biology, lifesupport systems engineering, computer engineering, electronic engineering or mechanical engineering). Otherwise, I'd be all over this. So close!

But don't let me stop you. If you read this blog and happen to be a foreign born health nut bilingual scientist with no real prospects for 2010-2012, go fill out the forms and take your best shot at pretend outer space jail!

Artisan Loaf

My search for free wi-fi has reached its end and I'm coming to you live from a Panera Bread in Dearborn, Michigan!

It's a little strange that they have a firewall here. It's blocking a bunch of sites that aren't even dirty. Is this strip mall on Chinese soil? Is Panera Bread in league with the New World Order? All I know is someone's trying to be the boss of me and I don't care for it!

Anyway, my battery's dying, so a few quick things:

Thanks to everyone who came to the shows on Saturday. Unfortunately, I was blown out with allergies. After the shows, everybody went to a bar down the street while I slept in the car. That is no way to live.

Did I really hear on the news that the FBI is digging for Jimmy Hoffa again? Hoffa's been legally dead since 1982, and the feds are about 0 for 20 looking for him, so I think this must be a hazing ritual for rookie agents. You know, make them fly down to Detroit and work the bulldozer in an old tireyard for a few days before they let them off the hook.

I'm trying to stuff my face at all the junkfood places that are not in New York. So far I've had Steak 'n Shake and Olga's. I still have eyes for Del Taco, A&W and Dairy Queen, but I don't think Arby's will make the cut. I'm not a monster!

I was going through some boxes in my old bedroom and found a VHS tape of a little league all-star game I played in back in 1988 that aired on public access. I forgot all about this game so I laughed when it took me about 20 seconds to strike out in my only at bat. I must have blocked it out. This is the verbatim play by play by the announcer:

Up steps Jesse Popp to the plate. Strike one.

And...he swung at that one even though it was high.

And he strikes out. Jesse is a fan of baseball, basketball and football.

Yes! Future #1 Draft Pick!

Okay, I'm packing up. Good luck!

September Call-Ups

Hey everybody. I haven't updated this blog since June? Whoops!

To be fair, I've been posting on Twitter and Facebook and talking at shows, so it's not like I'm some kind of a crazy jerk. But I can only keep track of so many things at the same time, usually about two or three. Four if it's for charity or I'm not drunk.

Besides, I've been very busy being unemployed. I spent years fantasizing about all the things I could accomplish if I just didn't have to go to work everyday and now I'm finally doing it! Let's look at some of the things I've already done this week:

Ate peanut butter for breakfast!

Emailed resumes!

Went jogging and accidentally kicked a dead rat on the sidewalk!

Watched cable television!

Walked to the laundromat to pick up my laundry but the lady behind the counter said, "Not ready! Not ready!" so I said, "Okay" and walked back to my apartment!

Took some newspapers from last week and threw 'em right into the ol' garbage pail!

So, you can see what I mean.

But let's get the ball rolling...

First, if you find yourself in Michigan this Saturday, I stress that you should attend this comedy show:

Riverside Arts Center
Kenny Zimlinghaus and Friends

Saturday 7:30 and 9:30
$12

Kenny Zimlinghaus
Vince Averill
Greg Johnson
Jesse Popp

Tickets available at the door or in advance at Brown Paper Tickets.

Most of us did a show at the same venue back in January and it was good fun. I'll see you there!

Second, here are a couple videos. I'm only in this one for a quick second but it's funny and features Gabe Delahaye, Max Silvestri, Larry Murphy, Patrick Borelli and Jenny Slate:



And this is a video of my set at Cassidy Henehan's roast. He recently moved back to New Orleans, I believe to try out for the Saints. Not sure yet if he made the final cut. Anyway, hope you like jokes about my friends!



Well, that about gets us square. See you in December!

The Heart Punch Kills!

So, I got interviewed in the New York Times, if you can believe that. It's for a weekly series called One in 8 Million, which is definitely worth checking out just in general. Do it!

It should also be noted that I don't have Sirius, but if you do, check out Guys Uncensored on Cosmo Radio. It's hosted by Kenny Zimlinghaus and I've been on a few times with Greg Johnson and Peter Kassnove. It's fun and they give me free coffee and orange juice and pretzel sticks. That's how uncensored I am.

And be sure to come out to Beauty Bar this Sunday. Vince Averill and I, as always, plus all these funny comedians:

Katina Corrao
Hari Kondabolu
Morgan Murphy
MC Mr Napkins
Barry Rothbart

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE


(via Matt McCarthy)

Letter

I read part of this at a show in January and just found it again. Here you go!

Dear Jesse Popp,

My name is Michael Bloomberg. I am the mayor of New York City. The best part of being a mayor is making up new laws!

We have a lot new laws in the works right now, in fact, so I am asking you and other celebrities to read this letter out loud as part of a campaign to let all New Yorkers know about the neat stuff they can look forward to in 2009.

No Sweets Before Dinner Act

For far too long, our health care system and local businesses have bore the burden of spoiled appetites. That is why from 4:00 to 7:00 pm, residents will no longer be able to purchase any food or foodstuff which derives more than 27% of its calories from sugar, high fructose corn syrup or other simple carbohydrates. If and when you clean your plate, you will be given a voucher redeemable for either a piece of fruit or two small to medium sized reduced fat cookies.

Swear Jars

By 2011, 3,000 green friendly swear jars will be installed on street corners throughout the city. All proceeds go directly to the New York Yankees.

Dirty Movie Tax

A 9% sales tax will be added to all R and NC17 rated movies to fund the security and upkeep of the city's swear jars. Any surplus revenues will be earmarked as cab fare home for Derek Jeter's one night stands.

Subway Changes

Decades of bureaucratic malfeasance have brought hard times upon the Metro Transit Authority. Therefore, train service will be cut in half, fares will be doubled, and MTA employees will be required to yell at you within three seconds of asking them a question down from the previous five seconds.

Tax Tax

All that comes with the collection and spending of the increase in taxes on almost everything has revealed some major weaknesses in our infrastructure. To alleviate this, there is now a four percent tax on all taxes. For example, when you purchase a non-diet soda pop (legally, between 7:01pm and 3:59pm the following day), you will pay the 4% state sales tax, the 4% city sales tax, the %0.375 Metro Transit Authority tax, the 8% non-diet soda pop tax and the 4% tax tax...tax.

Public Restroom Freeze

Construction on new public restrooms will be halted immediately. The few currently existing public restrooms will be locked and camouflaged. I just think it's funny when people shit their pants.

Best Regards,
Mayor Michael Bloomberg

On the Dole

Let's check the news:

NASA aims for unmanned moon rocket launch Thursday

I guess that means I didn't get the job.

Fla. city to workers: Wear underwear, deodorant

Jesse Popp to Fla. city: I have extensive experience in wearing underwear, deodorant and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Jobless Taiwan man steals just for free prison lunch

Well, I'm not quite there yet. Talk to me when this box of Quaker Oatmeal to Go Breakfast Bars is gone. And I have some cans of sardines in the cupboard. I'll probably crack into those before I send myself to prison. Hell, I might even just go grocery shopping. We'll see!

Those are all jokes about how I've been unemployed for three months. Get it??

Dr. Cat

There’s a neat set of photos up on Flickr of the movie theater I worked at back in Michigan when I was still just a lousy teenager. It’s been closed up for a number of years and set to be demolished in favor of a fitness center even though I believe there’s already a fitness center nobody goes to right down the street.

My favorite part might be the stark contrast between the women’s and men’s bathrooms.

Ripoff. We should've unionized!