Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Colonel John Grubb

I'm gearing up for the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. I know almost nothing about horse racing, and yet, I always seem to win money on horse racing. Here’s how I do it!

Race: 2006 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Barbaro to WIN

I bet on Barbaro because of the baseball player Barbaro Garbey. I got his autograph at Wonderland Mall after the Tigers won the World Series in 1984. He wasn’t exactly an integral part of the team, but the lines were too long for Chet Lemon and Alan Trammell. And now you know the rest of the story.

Race: 2007 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Street Sense to WIN

At the time of this race I was in Las Vegas. I picked Street Sense simply because it was the favorite and you’re not allowed to go more than an hour without betting on something. You only have a gambling problem when you lose!

Race: 2007 Belmont Stakes
Bet: Rags to Riches to WIN

I placed a couple small other bets on this race at my local OTB. Now, if you wanted to show someone what a cool person looked like, you would never take them to an OTB because that place is a grimy nut house. But as I walked out, a big black guy was standing by himself, just leaning against a wall and eating a whole bar of Toblerone. He looked at me and said, “Rags to Riches, my brother. Rags to Riches.” I immediately went back in and bet on Rags to Riches to win.

In summary, before placing a bet on a race, you need to ask yourself three questions:

1. Which horse shares a name with a member of the 1984 Detroit Tigers?

2. Which horse is the odds-on favorite?

3. What’s the cool black guy eating candy think?


paul said...

Remember in the early days of the internet when you had an AOL screen name that made people think you were Barbaro Garbey and so you made up funny stories about 1980s Tigers?

Glory days!

Jesse said...

Oh man, I forgot all about that. I guess that made me a dial-up comedian!