Friday, January 30, 2009
Dornfield
This site has a whole bunch of playbills and ads from old timey comedians that are definitely worth a look. The one below is indisputable. Dornfield!
Tap Room
Huh, January’s a little light on posts. Who’s in charge here?!
Sorry, I’ve been busy. And out of town. And so on and so forth. Let me know when I hit a good excuse...
First off, thanks to everyone who attended or helped out with the shows in Ypsilianti. The shows were great fun as was hanging out with everybody and stuffing my face with all manner of cheap food and drinks. Michigan, your cost of living is music to my ears.
A few other quick notes about the trip back home:
Right off the bat, the airport brought an early frontrunner for quote of the year. A security guard yelling at people in line at the gate: “Okay folks, it’s not rocket scientist!”
Over the course of the week, I played with five dogs, three goats and one donkey! I tried to hang out with my mom's cat, but even after 15 years, our relationship is cordial at best. My mom says it's because I walk too fast and it scares him. I don’t buy this for one second! To hear her tell it, everything is because I either walk too fast or don't cook myself enough nice dinners. I don't see why she even takes his side because one morning when I was there he took a whiz in her purse. But anyway, my mom gave me the Little Rascals Complete Collection (eight DVDs!) for Christmas, so the cat can think whatever he wants. I’m the real winner!
I went to the bowling alley with my dad, stepmom and sister one night. There sure were some surly old bats at that place. These were not ladies who bowl because they watched The Big Lebowski ten times, they bowl because it’s the one night a week they can get away from the house to drink and throw stuff at other stuff and act like it’s the main event of WrestleMania. They even had my family’s lane turned off mid-game because it was distracting them. Too bad they still only bowled about 125 each. Ladies, you can’t be all business until you’re cracking 200!
Another difference between Michigan and New York: In Michigan it makes the news when Danny Glover is in town. We love our Predator 2!
Finally, I am not normally afraid of flying, but on the return flight to New York I realized I was way up in the sky reading an article about the 50th anniversary of Buddy Holly's plane crash and suddenly felt a MAJOR jinx brewing. It was touch and go there for a minute, but I forced myself to buckle down, finish the article and triumph over the voodoo caveman parts of my brain. For once!
Okay, more posts in a bit. Go get some fresh air and come back later!
Sorry, I’ve been busy. And out of town. And so on and so forth. Let me know when I hit a good excuse...
First off, thanks to everyone who attended or helped out with the shows in Ypsilianti. The shows were great fun as was hanging out with everybody and stuffing my face with all manner of cheap food and drinks. Michigan, your cost of living is music to my ears.
A few other quick notes about the trip back home:
Right off the bat, the airport brought an early frontrunner for quote of the year. A security guard yelling at people in line at the gate: “Okay folks, it’s not rocket scientist!”
Over the course of the week, I played with five dogs, three goats and one donkey! I tried to hang out with my mom's cat, but even after 15 years, our relationship is cordial at best. My mom says it's because I walk too fast and it scares him. I don’t buy this for one second! To hear her tell it, everything is because I either walk too fast or don't cook myself enough nice dinners. I don't see why she even takes his side because one morning when I was there he took a whiz in her purse. But anyway, my mom gave me the Little Rascals Complete Collection (eight DVDs!) for Christmas, so the cat can think whatever he wants. I’m the real winner!
I went to the bowling alley with my dad, stepmom and sister one night. There sure were some surly old bats at that place. These were not ladies who bowl because they watched The Big Lebowski ten times, they bowl because it’s the one night a week they can get away from the house to drink and throw stuff at other stuff and act like it’s the main event of WrestleMania. They even had my family’s lane turned off mid-game because it was distracting them. Too bad they still only bowled about 125 each. Ladies, you can’t be all business until you’re cracking 200!
Another difference between Michigan and New York: In Michigan it makes the news when Danny Glover is in town. We love our Predator 2!
Finally, I am not normally afraid of flying, but on the return flight to New York I realized I was way up in the sky reading an article about the 50th anniversary of Buddy Holly's plane crash and suddenly felt a MAJOR jinx brewing. It was touch and go there for a minute, but I forced myself to buckle down, finish the article and triumph over the voodoo caveman parts of my brain. For once!
Okay, more posts in a bit. Go get some fresh air and come back later!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Higher!
This is a statue of Vladimir Lenin on the roof of a building in Manhattan:
Not sure why it’s even there, because whenever I pass it, it just makes me think of the scene in Three Amigos! that’s 7:00 into this clip:
Anything that makes me think of Three Amigos! can't be all bad. Here's to the Red Terror!
Not sure why it’s even there, because whenever I pass it, it just makes me think of the scene in Three Amigos! that’s 7:00 into this clip:
Anything that makes me think of Three Amigos! can't be all bad. Here's to the Red Terror!
Rebranding
I came across some interesting information on the stats page for this site:
I’ll try to remedy that in 2009. First up, here’s a sneak peek at my new character, The Lady at My Work Who Always Takes Ten Minutes at the Salad Bar and Talks to Herself the Whole Time:
70.3% of all visits lasted less than five seconds.I think this means that most of you aren’t even giving me a chance and the ones who did fell asleep at their computers!
20.3% of all visits lasted longer than an hour.
I’ll try to remedy that in 2009. First up, here’s a sneak peek at my new character, The Lady at My Work Who Always Takes Ten Minutes at the Salad Bar and Talks to Herself the Whole Time:
“Hmmmm, do I want tuna? Let’s seeeeeeee...oooh, tomatoes...”Thank you very much!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Quoth
I woke up on Christmas morning and saw a crow flopping around in the ashtray outside on my window sill. He looked right at me and flew away.
Then I went to see The Wrestler and ate Chinese food.
Nuts to you, death omen!
You should know that I am not in the espionage business, and yet, this is the error message I got on my computer at work after being prompted to change my password this morning:
Speaking of work and death and espionage, I was thinking that if I had interns, I'd make them watch the first six seasons of 24 to count how many bad guys Jack Bauer has killed. I feel like that'd be a great figure to toss around at cocktail parties. "Pretty good cheese plate, huh? So far Jack Bauer's killed 276 people."
Of course, rather than simply dividing up the DVDs amongst my staff, I'd have each person watch the whole series separately and then make sure their totals matched the others to prevent them from just pulling a random number out of their ass. I'm always one step ahead of my scheming hypothetical interns!
Then I went to see The Wrestler and ate Chinese food.
Nuts to you, death omen!
You should know that I am not in the espionage business, and yet, this is the error message I got on my computer at work after being prompted to change my password this morning:
The password supplied does not meet minimum complexity requirements. Please select another password that meets all of the following criteria: is at least seven characters; has not been used in the 12 previous passwords; must not have been changed in the last seven days; does not contain your account or name; contains at least three of the following four character groups: English uppercase characters (A through Z); English lowercase characters (a through z); non-alphabetic characters (such as !, $, #, %).And with that, my new password is written on a post-it note on my desk.
Speaking of work and death and espionage, I was thinking that if I had interns, I'd make them watch the first six seasons of 24 to count how many bad guys Jack Bauer has killed. I feel like that'd be a great figure to toss around at cocktail parties. "Pretty good cheese plate, huh? So far Jack Bauer's killed 276 people."
Of course, rather than simply dividing up the DVDs amongst my staff, I'd have each person watch the whole series separately and then make sure their totals matched the others to prevent them from just pulling a random number out of their ass. I'm always one step ahead of my scheming hypothetical interns!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wish List
Hey, procrastinators! there are still a lot of great bargains over at Amazon. Check it out:
Poet's Market, 1989 (Hardcover)
16 used from $0.38
Y2K -- It's Already Too Late (Paperback)
18 used from $0.01
The Wit and Wisdom of Ross Perot: Over 100 Quotes and Anecdotes from the Man Who Could Be Our Next President (Paperback)
18 Used & new from $0.01
Scroll over the box below to see the secret behind the joke I just made:
Poet's Market, 1989 (Hardcover)
16 used from $0.38
Y2K -- It's Already Too Late (Paperback)
18 used from $0.01
The Wit and Wisdom of Ross Perot: Over 100 Quotes and Anecdotes from the Man Who Could Be Our Next President (Paperback)
18 Used & new from $0.01
Scroll over the box below to see the secret behind the joke I just made:
Do the Do
I went for a walk through Central Park yesterday. I found myself a hot commodity for strangers who needed someone to take a picture of them and their brood standing in front of stuff. And while I appreciate getting sized up as a guy who probably won’t run off with your camera, it’s still a little stressful. One, it’s not like I’ve never dropped anything expensive before. Two, long gone are the days when you had to leave a roll of film at the drug store before you found out I stink at taking pictures. In those days I could've made a clean getaway!
In sports news, Dock Ellis passed away over the weekend. He is most well known for throwing a no-hitter while high on LSD, but he also let loose one of the better quotes in baseball history:
In sports news, Dock Ellis passed away over the weekend. He is most well known for throwing a no-hitter while high on LSD, but he also let loose one of the better quotes in baseball history:
Cincinnati will bullshit with us and kick our ass and laugh at us. They’re the only team that talk about us like a dog. Whenever we play that team, everybody socializes with them. When they ran over to us, we knew they were afraid of us. When I saw our team doing it, right then I say, ‘We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I’m going to hit these motherfuckers.Then he went out to the mound and hit Pete Rose with the first pitch. You can read the rest here. Point is, Dock Ellis was good old fashioned nuts. Godspeed!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Bourne Reminder
I always see The Bourne novels prominently displayed at bookstores but I’ve yet to try one. The movies were pretty fun, but I have to assume they aren’t faithful adaptations as I’m not sure how 80% fights and chases would read:
Then Jason Bourne bashed the guy in the head with a book that he found on the floor and pressed the book against the guy’s face and started punching the book! But then the other guy did this somersault kick thing and it was hard to tell what they were doing but – wait—now they’re in the bathroom. The guy’s got a knife but Jason Bourne just picked up a towel…I think he’s fighting back with a towel! Did the government actually train him to fight back against a knife with a towel? That’s what Jason Bourne is still trying to find out.Books are for nerds!
“Where’s Bourne now? Get me, Bourne!” said the boss from the control center while everybody yelled and typed away on their spying computers.
Now Jason Bourne just got on a motorcycle and popped this crazy wheelie up onto the -- BEEP BEEP! Look out!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Whisper in the Wind
FYI, the new HBO documentary Cat Dancers is 100% completely insane. You should really make an effort to watch it.
I waited for an elevator today. The doors opened and as I got on, the guy inside gave me the stinkeye, said, "Great, looks like I got the local" and started bashing the Door Close button with his fist. I'm putting the over/under on heart attacks this guy has had at 3.5.
I’m somewhat short on patience myself, but anyone who goes to town on the Door Close button is a born sucker. It seems to me that the doors close when they want to close and the button is just a pacifier for people who have to be the boss of everything. Secondly, that local joke, its crustiness aside, is meant for people who are already on the elevator with you. When you say it to the one person who is getting on the elevator you're basically saying, "Surprise: I hate you!"
For the record, my reply to him was "Huh? Oh. Yep." That's my crowd work skills kicking in!
Related to stand-up, almost every time I do Ochi's Lounge at Comix I find a way to hit my head on the low ceiling overhang. Before I went onstage there on Saturday I consciously reminded myself to avoid hitting my head. Then I walked onstage, leaned over to set my drink on the stool and instead of hitting my head, I stood up and BASHED my head. That is an improvement in the wrong direction. But don't worry, I bounced back and proved yet again that I am one of the comedians of all time!
I waited for an elevator today. The doors opened and as I got on, the guy inside gave me the stinkeye, said, "Great, looks like I got the local" and started bashing the Door Close button with his fist. I'm putting the over/under on heart attacks this guy has had at 3.5.
I’m somewhat short on patience myself, but anyone who goes to town on the Door Close button is a born sucker. It seems to me that the doors close when they want to close and the button is just a pacifier for people who have to be the boss of everything. Secondly, that local joke, its crustiness aside, is meant for people who are already on the elevator with you. When you say it to the one person who is getting on the elevator you're basically saying, "Surprise: I hate you!"
For the record, my reply to him was "Huh? Oh. Yep." That's my crowd work skills kicking in!
Related to stand-up, almost every time I do Ochi's Lounge at Comix I find a way to hit my head on the low ceiling overhang. Before I went onstage there on Saturday I consciously reminded myself to avoid hitting my head. Then I walked onstage, leaned over to set my drink on the stool and instead of hitting my head, I stood up and BASHED my head. That is an improvement in the wrong direction. But don't worry, I bounced back and proved yet again that I am one of the comedians of all time!
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