Bombshell

Get a load of this: Carly Simon ends You’re So Vain riddle

It seems that, after 38 years, Carly Simon finally revealed to the world that her hit song You’re So Vain was about producer David Geffen.

(I wonder if Dick Ebersol is now regretting dropping $50,000 at a 2003 auction to have her tell him that in secret.)

Well, anyway, now that that’s been solved, I just hope we’ll one day learn the name of the man who sold ice cream to Chicago on that fateful Saturday in the park. Also, Paul Simon only ever mentions five ways to leave your lover…what are the other 45? Paul Simon, if you’re reading this, what are the other 45 ways to leave your lover?!

What About Joan?

I found this again recently and figured I should post it. Here's the fake check they give you as a souvenir after you crap out on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

I know it's fake because I've been trying to cash it for almost nine years! One of these days...

On a Stick

Happy Presidents Day! Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a real cut up? Here's an excerpt from Lincoln's Humor: An Analysis By Benjamin P. Thomas

His humor had a general appeal. Not only the circuit lawyers and the Western villagers and farmers, but even urbane Easterners readily succumbed to it...Van Buren related several amusing incidents of New York politics, while others told tales of early life on the frontier. But all yielded at last to Lincoln, who kept them in an uproar far into the night with a seemingly inexhaustible supply of yarns, until Van Buren insisted that "his sides were sore with laughing."

Much of Lincoln's success as a story-teller was due to a talent for mimicry. "In the rôle of story-teller," said T. G. Onstot, son of the New Salem cooper, "I never knew his equal. His power of mimicry was very great. He could perfectly mimic a Dutchman, Irishman or Negro."

And here's a rare photgraph from one of his performances:

Well, it was a long road to that joke, but here we are!

Porky Pig! Pooh pooh!

Valentine

Glamour magazine asked me to chip in on a blog post about Valentine's Day. If your wondering why they would ask me, it's probably because I'm so glamorous. If you actually knew me, you would already know that!

Here's something else:

LONDON (Reuters) – Hundreds of British men are risking a Valentine's Day anticlimax for their partners by stocking up on anatomy-boosting underpants ahead of the most romantic weekend of the year.

British department store group Debenhams said Thursday it had seen a 76 percent surge in online sales of the 18 pounds-a-pair ($28) underwear in the past week.

This is my impression of those guys checking their mailbox on that fateful day: "Bill, bill, junk, bill, anatomy-boosting underpants, bill...wait, wha? They're here!"

Good luck, fellas!

PTP

When I was a kid my favorite board game was called Pursue The Pennant. Here's a picture of it:



Sweet Baby, look at all those charts!

I got this game when I was 10 and for a good couple years played it almost constantly and usually by myself since most people tended to find it extremely boring. I'd ask my friends if they wanted to play and they'd look at me like I just asked them to do homework and go to Sunday school and mow the lawn all in a row. This boggled my mind. Don't you like baseball? Don't you want to "call the shots"? Don't you like CHARTS?!?!

Even the website where I found that picture doesn't have my back:

A full 9-inning game takes about 45 minutes to an hour to play. The game can be played head-to-head or solitaire. However, due to the in-depth nature of the games, solitaire play is not all that fun.

Oh, look who's Mr. Cool all of a sudden! "I mean, yeah, I made a website in honor of a 20-plus year old board game for dorks, but, you know, it's not like I play it by myself or anything. I only play it head-to-head with supermodels."

Not likely. Your butt smells!

Those who can

Whenever somebody turns 100 or 112 or some other crazy number, the news always asks them about their secret to longevity. A quick Google search yielded these:

Cornmeal mush

A comfortable life with servants

Men and chocolate

No sex

Crispy bacon

Lots of vegetables

Being cheerful

Nothing special

Drink and smoke everyday

Never drink

There you go. Get cracking!

Prop

A lot of potential action on this Super Bowl:



If Pete Townshend loses his mind and smashes his guitar on one human fan, today could be your lucky day!

Digs

Right now I’m at a hotel in Boston. I have a show for the Magners Comedy Festival in a couple hours.

Magners is an Irish cider. I'm not sure if I've ever had it before, but its makers certainly have great taste in the comedians they let loaf around in a fancy hotel room for free, though. So thanks, Magners! Drink Magners!

Anyway, I still have to sit in all these chairs and play with the room safe before showtime. Wish me luck!

Layover

From Popular Mechanics: How to Fall 35,000 Feet—And Survive

It's a 2,000+ word article, but here's what I think is probably the most helpful tip:

You might also consider flying with a pair of goggles in your pocket.

Bee News

I saw this today: Bees Can Recognize Human Faces.

So, the next time you encounter a young child swarmed by bees, just put them on your knee and say, “It's okay, sweetie. They're more afraid of you than you are of them because of your jerk face.”

Raise them up with science!

All Groundhogs Eve

After months of searching I think I finally have that job lead I’ve been looking for. Yes, today I received an email with this subject line:

YouHotJobsResumeWeAtacchfilewithJobDeScription

I think this is probably from a Fortune 500 company. I heard Steve Jobs has been ill, maybe he wants me take over as the new CEO of Apple? Well, only one way to find out, so I'll just click on the delete button right here and then...whooops!

---

I snagged a free copy of this week’s L Magazine to flip through while I rode the train yesterday. I've mentioned betting on horses before, so you can imagine my shock when I came upon this excerpt from an article called 25 Cheap Things To Do in NYC:

7. Our favorite OTB is the one on Graham Avenue just before Metropolitan (333 Graham Ave.), because it's always filled with people who make us feel ok about our shaking hands. Remember, the Straight Bet is only two bucks and pays almost double.

That OTB closed back in 2008! It’s a Thai restaurant now! And I'm not even sure where to start with "the Straight Bet is only two bucks and pays almost double."

In conclusion, it’s clear to me now that L Magazine does not currently have any degenerate gamblers on their editorial staff, which casts some serious doubts upon their Cheap Things To Do credentials. Reader beware!