Friday, February 29, 2008

Dog Shortage Crisis Averted!

Robot as good as real dog at easing lonely hours

The researchers studied 38 nursing home residents who were divided into three groups. One got regular visits from Banks' pet Sparky, another got visits from the AIBO Entertainment Robot, a shiny robot dog formerly made by Sony Corp that used artificial intelligence to interact with its environment and express emotion.

The third group got no visits from either dog.

Now that's what I call here's mud in your eye!

Old Lady: Pardon me, young man, may I visit with either the real dog or the robot dog, too?

Researcher: Sorry Granny, but somebody's gotta be in the control group. Now get back in your room and shut the door!

Old Lady: Please, I'm not long for this world and I'm desperate for companionship...even if it's with a MACHINE!

Researcher: Listen, why do you hate science? Stop trying to look at the dogs!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pre-Christianity Viking Women Were Sexy Dressers

That's what this article says. Of course longtime pornographer National Geographic is all over this thing and sweet talked some lady into trying on one of the outfits:

Whoa, you can totally see her face and her neck and her hands and the bottoms of her shoes. And for all I know, those legs go all the way up. Va-va-va-viking!

Monday, February 25, 2008


Quick, somebody go get the bouncer! Old Man Nader’s trying to be the President again!

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"Four score and (hiccup, hiccup)...turn down that jukebox!
What, you think you’re better than me?!"

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Room for cream

Sorry, some computer issues have prevented me from adding more to this site's already mounting arsenal. Next week will be different!

Right now I'm at a bodega. I just went to Starbucks. The knock on Starbucks is that it's bland, corporate and other such things like that. But I usually find it to be rather pleasantly filled with crazy people. It's like a fancy bus station (except for the bathrooms, which are exactly like a bus station). I like crazy people because I am a huge fan of gibberish and today I sat next to a guy who unleashed some doozies for the ages. Namely:

This ain't nothin but the Twilight Zone and I'm watchin it. Y'all love chaos. Ya'll done turned to robots! Shit, I'll see you in the future drinkin' coffee. Gonna build me a spaceship and lookout my magic window. Get me a Japanese wife. And she better have money or she's goin back to school!

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Elbow Room

Plop me down into this scene and I'm lasting about five seconds

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Or at least coming out looking like this guy

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That seals it: I am not moving to Russia. It's off the list!

So feel free to keep tabs on me all weekend:

Greg Johnson & Larry Murphy Show
332 E 11th St

RG Daniels’ I Need a Tape
51 1st Ave

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Duhhhh, what’s grape juice taste like? Slurp!

From the Wall Street Journal:
Welch's is taking out full-page print ads in People magazine this month that give readers a chance to sample its grape juice by licking the ad.

Hot Fudge Love

Scrub behind your ears and tuck in that shirt ‘cause it’s Valentine’s Day up in this piece!

And fellas, this ain’t no Sadie Hawkins dance. Women’s Lib be damned -- single chicks on Valentine’s Day are too busy thinking Boo hoo, I guess I have to get my own chocolate to ever make the first move. Here's what you do.
Buy a dozen roses.

Walk into a bar.

Walk up to a girl.

Act like you’re agitated and looking for someone then say,“Excuse me, miss, have you seen my girlfriend? She looks kinda look you except not quite as, you know, hefty.”

Then have your wingman walk over (wearing a stethoscope and holding a clipboard) and say, “This is the hardest part of my job, but your girlfriend just got sick and died.”

Then you say,“What?? Oh no, who am I going to give all these flowers to?”

Boom. You’re in.
Do I really need to explain why this works? Well, let me ask you this: do you want to be able to look people in the eye the next time you brag about being a straight adult male who is not a virgin? Then don't worry and just do what I say!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Hang in There

Lenny Kravitz Almost Quit Music To Become A Farmer

So says this.

I’m assuming by farmer he means "rich guy with a garden that generates no income". Lucky for us, he ultimately decided to continue releasing the same song over and over and over again. Lenny Kravitz, everybody! Twenty years in and he can’t even top the theme song from his mom’s TV show:

Here's a an article about a dog that fell off a six-story parking garage and didn’t croak. I guess you could say he lived to tell the TAIL! Talk about a RUFF day! Sounds like his PARK was worse than his bite! He fell off a GARAGE!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Warm up my virgins

I love the New York Post. It’s like your crazy old friend that only costs twenty-five cents. You know what I’m talking about. Remember that guy? Anyway...

Here are a few of the deep cover hot scoops pulled from yesterday's article about how mobsters got their nicknames:

Tommy Sneakers
“He likes sneakers"

Bobby the Jew
“He looks like a Jew”

Dom from 18th Avenue

“18th Avenue is in his neck of the woods”

Jackie Nose
“He had a big, distorted nose “

Also, there is THIS. I won't even try to pare it down as you need to see the whole thing. Trust me for once in your life!

Thursday, February 7, 2008


Thanks to the cafeteria at my work I rang in the New Year by eating stir fry at my desk just like a real Chinese person would! Plus, yesterday I got in on some of that hot Ash Wednesday salmon they were dishing out.* My tummy truly is a man of the people.

One of my all-time double takes was freshman year of college when the dorm cafeteria commemorated Martin Luther King Day by serving fried chicken and watermelon. I thought it must just be some sort of unfortunate coincidence but there it was right on the board: “Happy Martin Luther King Day Fried Chicken/Watermelon.” Way to be, Central Michigan University in 1996!

Wrapping up: always eat lunch, never be racist.

*My parents stopped making me go to church after my first communion and mass was always at the same time the Little Rascals came on, so my knowledge of Catholicism pretty much stops at "when Christmas presents come" and "the days you aren’t supposed to eat meat." Although, I am aware that Pope John Paul II is an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters.