These are some old things I wrote for other sites, my old site, one-off shows, etc. I'll add more as I find them. Oh man!

I am a Judge!

ACTION: What The Casinos Don't Want You to Know About Blackjack in Order to Prevent You From Beating Them at Their Own Game

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The Onion's Say Something Funny (Aug 2004)

I am a Judge!

I have been a judge for so long it has grown increasingly difficult for me to remember any other time. Although, every so often, in those plaintive moments before sleep, my mind will carry me back to the long ago days of youth. This was a time when all you really needed was a nickel and a stick, and if you were not climbing a tree with the reverend's daughter, you were most likely giving a school chum "The Dutch Whirl." But these fleeting imaginations are exactly that. I am, after all, an examiner of cold, hard facts. I am a purveyor of justice. I am a judge!

As such, it causes me immeasurable grief to see this great country of ours falling apart at the seams—and that is indeed what it is doing. Make no mistake. Our penitentiaries are packed to the rafters and even those deemed to be law-abiding citizens are quickly becoming as wanton and depraved as the ones we choose to jail. Why, in the last five years alone, haircuts are down twenty-seven percent, while rock and roll has more than doubled! Obviously, our current legal system is deeply flawed and I will no longer allow myself to sit idly by, handcuffed as it were, like so many of the prisoners who come before me. Something must and will be done!

First of all, we must do better at recognizing criminals before they take bloom. I cannot tell you how many times I have presided over cases involving a woman facing the seemingly benign charge of loitering, only to see her return mere days later for the crime of prostitution! With this in mind, any woman found guilty of loitering will be sentenced to one year at a finishing school. Any loitering males will be given the option of either paying a twenty-five dollar fine or joining the armed forces.

Along the same lines, we have truancy. If you have ever had the poor fortune of seeing an Our Gang picture, you know that truancy never leads to anything but serious trouble. I would ask Carl "Alfalfa" Switzer to concur, but I'm afraid that he is already quite busy lying in his grave with a bullet to the stomach. I can imagine nothing better than an after school job at the county morgue to make a child privy to the fate of "little rascals." Also, if a guardian accompanies the truant into the courtroom, it is imperative that they remove their topcoat! This ensures that the so-called guardian is not merely a youngster with a phony mustache balancing atop another youngster's shoulders.

Yes, children are a slippery bunch. But they are, admittedly, the world's most precious commodity—more so than gold or even dynamite. Every head of state, every captain of industry, every mother of seven was once themselves a child. Conversely, so too was every dictator, swindler and old maid. Which is why children should be reared with the sternest of vigilance and the dastardly actions of molesters should not be taken lying down! Each and every molester will be restricted to the confines of their own home, where they will utilize their heinous yet keen luring skills for collecting charitable contributions over the telephone. As a safeguard against the opportunity for further crimes, a sign will be posted outside each home that reads: "Candy For Sale—Nine Hundred Dollars!"

Other sentencing amendments include:

* Any doctor found guilty of malpractice will be required to distribute one thousand business cards. These business cards will declare the bearer to be, not a doctor, but a "Medicinal Charlatan/Curer of Nothing!"

* Perpetrators of hate crimes will now be required to literally walk one mile in the victim's real shoes while having an actual book thrown at them!

* If you are a cat burglar, beware. Once convicted, you will be forced to burgle twenty mansions and/or museums in a single evening, after which, the very thought of burgling will make you green in the face!

Surely, this is only the beginning. I am a realist. I believe that these changes will induce a marked improvement in this community, as well as the nation at large, but it will take time. After all, Rome was not built in a day and I am not Febold Feboldson. I am a judge!

ACTION: What The Casinos Don't Want You to Know About Blackjack in Order to Prevent You From Beating Them at Their Own Game

A — Assess
Before you sit down at any table, you need to ask yourself some serious questions. Are the rest of the players at the table winning or losing? Specifically, are they cackling with glee and throwing money into the air or are they cursing their God and asking you for directions to the nearest pawn shop? If the latter is true, you may want to save yourself some trouble and move on to "greener" pastures.

C — Carry
Once you find a table, don't forget to carry your money to that table. They won't let you play for free, you know!

T — Triple
A lot of so-called blackjack "experts" get their strategies from computer simulations. Well guess what, nerds? Blackjack isn't played in computers—it's played in casinos—and there's no chip or mousepad large enough to computerize the fickle ways of Lady Luck. So I came up with a betting scheme that doesn't make any sense. Two can play at this little game, Ms. Luck! Every time you lose a hand, triple your bet until you win. Every time you win, triple your bet until you lose. Unless, of course, the hand before was a spilt or double down, in which case you would want to triple your initial bet, or, if it's easier, one and one half the double. Always take insurance if the dealer wears glasses, but stop hitting on hard 16 versus a dealer 8 or 9. Although, if you're sitting at third base and the dealer has not busted in the last five hands... well, for now, just remember the word "triple." A little trick I use to remember the word triple is to think of a blank-decker sandwich. A triple-decker sandwich. Triple!

I — Imagine
The imagination is a very powerful thing. Think And Grow Rich, as the famous book says. Did you know that Henry Ford spent every morning of his boyhood imagining himself to be a viciously bigoted horseless carriage manufacturer? Well, we all know how that turned out! So, every day, imagine yourself to be a successful ACTION Blackjack Player. Imagine yourself having a classy broad with legs that go all the way up and being so rich that you owned a different colored ascot for every day of the week. Wouldn't that be something? Well, why don't you imagine it, numb-nuts?

O — Outfox
If the pit bosses catch on that you're using the ACTION system, they'll throw you out so fast it'll make your head spin. That's why you need to throw them off your scent. That's why you need to outfox them. Whenever you sit down to play blackjack, you need to say something along the lines of this:
Howdy do, city slickers! I'm Ernie Clobberpond, Texarkana's most prominent Tilt-A-Whirl magnate. Now I may be dumber than a polecat in Sunday school, but I'm richer than money cheesecake, so what say we deal out them cards and base our play solely on our drunken hunches!?
Once you say this, they'll make you for a rube and leave you alone like a kid in a candy store until the cows come home. But instead of slowly developing bad teeth and diabetes, you'll get lots and lots of money.

N — Never Don't Win
Finally, you can't win if you're always losing; therefore, the most important component of the ACTION system is to never don't win. Do that and you'll come out a winner every time!

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