More Power

Looks like the internet has finally hit its stride: Tour Jack Kevorkian’s Apartment

I also saw this: 100 Skills Every Man Should Know. I went through the list and it would appear that I’m only 46% of a proper man. Well, ladies, I guess if you need a fella who can whittle or calibrate HDTV settings, it might be best for you to hit the road. Otherwise, hop in and watch me drive this stick-shift! And maybe later I’ll even change your diaper. Vroooooom!

Mexican scientists turn tequila into diamonds

Of course they do!

Quebec convict freed for being obese

This guy was smuggling in cakes with CAKES on the inside. That's what's called a double switcheroo joke.

And finally, Tony Dow has a sculpture in The Louvre.

Have a good weekend!

Yay, that.

Dear British Orphans,

I have the most wonderful news! A council in London has banned cigarette smokers from fostering children. That means you'll never have to worry about second hand smoke ever again.

Now get back into the cellar and finish your gruel!!

There he is, Mr. President

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is our next President is an African American who ran for the Illinois Senate in 2004.

Now the bad news.







It's not Alan Keyes!



"What?? But I'm crazy!!"


I'm sorry, Alan.

"Forget you, I'm moving into the White House!"



Alan, you can't just do that. You got ZERO electoral votes!



"What if I sit right here? How many do I have now?"


Still zero.


"What if I do this?"

Zero!

I got whipped!

I frequently eat at Blue 9 Burger on Sundays before I go to Beauty Bar (you should frequently eat at somewhere on Sundays before you go to Beauty Bar as well). But last night I was at Blue 9 and I found a clump of hair in my french fries. A whole clump! And look, I’d bet I’ve eaten much grosser things than some dumb old hair, but at least those other things had the guts to sneak into me. It’s all about gamesmanship.

Not to be outdone, I just read about a new form of tuberculosis caused Extremely Drug Resistant Tuberculosis (XDR-TB). Right now it's found mostly in the Third World and places like Russian prisons but there have been a number of cases right here in New York City. It has a mortality rate of 40% (as opposed to regular TB's 5%) and the meds used to treat it cost $20,000 and can cause liver damage, violent diarrhea, seizures and psychosis. And you have to take them for two years.

So fair warning: anyone who gives me XDR-TB is going straight into my doghouse. Enjoy the hairy french fries!

40-40

Broke rich people have got to be some of the biggest dummies in the whole world. I caught a documentary on A&E about Jose Canseco trying to quit steroids. He talked about how he can't find a job and is nearing bankruptcy. Then it cut to him walking around the outside of his chained up, foreclosed mansion. Then, later on, we find out that he managed to scrape up enough money to put a year's worth of rent down on a new place. And guess what? It was another mansion! Jose, all that juice has shriveled your brain in addition to your nuts! Get a bachelor pad, sell your fleet of motorcycles, eat some packed lunches and then you can cancel your boxing match with Danny Bonaduce. Trust me, I'm check to check and have never had to box anybody.

Just going by what I’ve learned of these men from reality shows, this is my impression of them right before the fight:

Jose Canseco: Aw gee whiz, I wish I had bigger muscles and could still play baseball.

Danny Bonaduce: Arrgh, I finally get to box Jose Canseco!!

Slo Poke

When I was a little kid I hoped that I would grow up to be short so I could just put on a mask and continue trick or treating into adulthood. I also recall wanting big sideburns and a house that was connected to the garage so I could go straight from the house to my car and then drive away just like Batman did. Basically, I guess I was hoping to wind up the neighborhood weirdo.

But now I’m 6’2’’ and living in an apartment with no garage, car, candy or sideburns. I haven’t even seen the new Batman movie. Quite a fall from grace!

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

Who is the real spaghetti and meatballs?

The cafeteria at my work is holding a pretty important election of its own. What should I want to eat for lunch on Wednesday November 5th? Here are my choices:

Spaghetti and Meatballs
Chicken Parmesan
Traditional Meatloaf

Hmmm, I think I'll probably vote forrrrr spaghett--oh no, some guy just tackled me and carved a chicken parmesan into my face! Meatloaf without preconditions! George Bush! Political comedy!

IT WILL BE SO STRONG

Hot dog, it looks like they released some more Kwame Kilpatrick text messages! The gift that keeps on giving:

Kwame Kilpatrick: John Kerry dissed me. I'm trippin!

That has some very strong catchphrase potential. I wonder if he dissed you because your wife beat up a stripper in your mansion, you covered it up, then she got murdered in a drive-by shooting and you fired most of the people who tried to investiagte you and now the stripper's family is suing the city for $150 million. Maybe that's it! Letting this guy be the mayor of Detroit for six years was worse than the Tigers trading for Juan Gonzales.

The court filing with the messages has been released as a 349 page PDF, and yes, I was bored enough to give it the once over. Um, here's one that probably won't make it into the paper:

Christine Beatty:I really wanted to give you some good head this morning and I didn’t know how to ask you to let me do it. I have wanted to since Friday night when you asked me at the club

Kilpatrick: Damn. I just got out the shower and looked at my 2way. NEXT TIME, JUST TELL ME TO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, and DO YOUR THING! I’m fucked up now!

Oh man, I think they might go "all the way"! There are plenty more that are even funnier and grosser than that, but I’ll refrain from posting them here (cough, pages 43-46, cough, stay away from page 153, cough).

This one’s only funny when you, as I've touched on before, read it thinking about how these are two people in charge of running a whole city with over 900,000 residents:

KK: EVERYTHING IS COOL. DID YOU GET BUSTED? YOU WERE KIND OF WET LAST NIGHT, INSIDE AND OUT. LOL

CB: OH, YOU GOT JOKES? ACTUALLY I DID GET BUSTED. WHICH IS WHY I WAS CHECKING IN WITH YOU. I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU HAD ROOM ON LESLIE WITH ME! LOL

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT ON LESLIE, BUT ANYWHERE ELSE YOU WANT TO STAY. LOL

CB: LOL LOL! DANG, YOU WOULDN’T TAKE ME INTO YOUR HOME? YOU TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHAT HAPPENED? LOL.

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT THE FAMOUS FLIP AGAIN…

Mr. Mayor, we might have to close 100 schools and over one third of the city lives below the poverty line! What should we do?? LOL LOL LOL! I’m fucked up now!

One more. And if I ever get married, these will definitely be my wedding vows:

KK: You and I - Jodeci. That's my cut. You and me, me and you. We can make love all night long. IT WILL BE SO STRONG BABY. IT WILL BE SO STRONG. I just want to say how I feel about you, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Anyway, maybe for your next job leave Mayor off your resume and just hope they don't Google you. See ya, fartface!

Shuffle Up and Update This Blog!

Well, my posting on here has been nothing if not inconsistent. It's not that I don't get ideas or have exciting things happen to me. No, that’s not it at all! It's just that sometimes I'll sit down at a computer and wonder if the world is ready to know about how I, for example, came upon a Burger King in Hartford, CT that still serves Rodeo Cheeseburgers and I ate two of them. Maybe, I'll think, this would be better suited for something like a one man show or The Great American Novel.

So you can see my predicament. And now here you are, over a month with no news from the front. My deepest apologies!

So far, only one funny thing has happened to me today. I was walking up out of the subway this morning when I heard a guy yell this:

“Women in charge is a lesbian lie! Women…in charge…is a lesbian…LIE!”

I laughed, turned to spot the guy and almost fell down the escalator but caught hold of the handrail at the last second. Then people started laughing at me instead. You crazy guys yelling gibberish are fixing for a feud!

Angel's Night

A couple months ago, Danny Solomon approached me with an idea for a show. He wanted to fan the flames of hometown pride and have a tournament of comedians grouped into teams based on where they are from. I thought, "That's not a bad idea, but it will probably never happen because Danny Solomon is from Kansas City and people from Kansas City are well known to be lazy and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without handouts from the government." Then I went to go talk to someone from the Metro Detroit area so I could feel like a real American again.

But, lo and behold, he pulled it off!

Tonight at The Pit
The 1st Annual All-Cities Comedy Tournament
Team New Jersey vs Team Detroit
Hosted by Danny Solomon and David Cope
9:30 PM
$8

Buy tickets here.

Here are the lineups:

Team Detroit
Jesse Popp
Brent Sullivan
Jiwon Li

Team New Jersey
Nick Maritato
Sean O'Connor
Julian McCullough

And just to get you up to speed on this match up, let's take a completely objective look at the tale of the tape.

Industry
Detroit: The Automobile
New Jersey: Manhattan's garbage

EDGE: Detroit

Sports
Detroit: Joe Louis, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, Lions
New Jersey: Two football teams that tell everybody they're from New York, a basketball team that's moving to Brooklyn, and a hockey team named after Satan.

EDGE: Detroit

Music
Detroit: Motown, Bill Haley, The Stooges, MC5, Bob Seger, Alice Cooper, Glenn Frey from THE EAGLES, Sonny Bono, Madonna, The White Stripes, should I keep going or are you ready to call Uncle…Kracker!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi

EDGE: Detroit

Organized Crime
Detroit: The Purple Gang, The Chambers Brothers
New Jersey: The Sopranos on A&E without the swears

EDGE: Detroit

Weird Laws
Detroit: You can do whatever you want.
New Jersey: You can't pump your own gas.

Edge: Detroit

Incongruous Nickname
Detroit: The Paris of the West
New Jersey: The Garden State

EDGE: Detroit

Recent Political Scandal
Detroit: The mayor had a girlfriend
New Jersey: The governor had a boyfriend.

EDGE: Push

Whoa, Detroit in a landslide!

Provided we win, here are the other places that I am fully prepared to pretend that I hate at upcoming shows:

Chicago
Lake Michigan? Michigan Avenue? I think it's pretty clear where you wish you were from in your dreams!

New Orleans
French Quarter? Detroit = 100% USA!

Providence
Hey, look at me! I went to Brown University where nobody gets grades because I'm a big hippy nerd!

New York
People from New York say waiting on line rather than waiting in line and actually do neither. For that, three of their citizens must be defeated in a stand-up comedy competition!

Boston
A very racist place, whereas Detroit has no history of any racial tension whatsoever.

Atlanta
Not sure what to say here since I've never even been to Atlanta before. Boo hoo, I better go kill myself!

Good luck, everybody!