Shuffle Up and Update This Blog!

Well, my posting on here has been nothing if not inconsistent. It's not that I don't get ideas or have exciting things happen to me. No, that’s not it at all! It's just that sometimes I'll sit down at a computer and wonder if the world is ready to know about how I, for example, came upon a Burger King in Hartford, CT that still serves Rodeo Cheeseburgers and I ate two of them. Maybe, I'll think, this would be better suited for something like a one man show or The Great American Novel.

So you can see my predicament. And now here you are, over a month with no news from the front. My deepest apologies!

So far, only one funny thing has happened to me today. I was walking up out of the subway this morning when I heard a guy yell this:

“Women in charge is a lesbian lie! Women…in charge…is a lesbian…LIE!”

I laughed, turned to spot the guy and almost fell down the escalator but caught hold of the handrail at the last second. Then people started laughing at me instead. You crazy guys yelling gibberish are fixing for a feud!

Angel's Night

A couple months ago, Danny Solomon approached me with an idea for a show. He wanted to fan the flames of hometown pride and have a tournament of comedians grouped into teams based on where they are from. I thought, "That's not a bad idea, but it will probably never happen because Danny Solomon is from Kansas City and people from Kansas City are well known to be lazy and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without handouts from the government." Then I went to go talk to someone from the Metro Detroit area so I could feel like a real American again.

But, lo and behold, he pulled it off!

Tonight at The Pit
The 1st Annual All-Cities Comedy Tournament
Team New Jersey vs Team Detroit
Hosted by Danny Solomon and David Cope
9:30 PM
$8

Buy tickets here.

Here are the lineups:

Team Detroit
Jesse Popp
Brent Sullivan
Jiwon Li

Team New Jersey
Nick Maritato
Sean O'Connor
Julian McCullough

And just to get you up to speed on this match up, let's take a completely objective look at the tale of the tape.

Industry
Detroit: The Automobile
New Jersey: Manhattan's garbage

EDGE: Detroit

Sports
Detroit: Joe Louis, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, Lions
New Jersey: Two football teams that tell everybody they're from New York, a basketball team that's moving to Brooklyn, and a hockey team named after Satan.

EDGE: Detroit

Music
Detroit: Motown, Bill Haley, The Stooges, MC5, Bob Seger, Alice Cooper, Glenn Frey from THE EAGLES, Sonny Bono, Madonna, The White Stripes, should I keep going or are you ready to call Uncle…Kracker!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi

EDGE: Detroit

Organized Crime
Detroit: The Purple Gang, The Chambers Brothers
New Jersey: The Sopranos on A&E without the swears

EDGE: Detroit

Weird Laws
Detroit: You can do whatever you want.
New Jersey: You can't pump your own gas.

Edge: Detroit

Incongruous Nickname
Detroit: The Paris of the West
New Jersey: The Garden State

EDGE: Detroit

Recent Political Scandal
Detroit: The mayor had a girlfriend
New Jersey: The governor had a boyfriend.

EDGE: Push

Whoa, Detroit in a landslide!

Provided we win, here are the other places that I am fully prepared to pretend that I hate at upcoming shows:

Chicago
Lake Michigan? Michigan Avenue? I think it's pretty clear where you wish you were from in your dreams!

New Orleans
French Quarter? Detroit = 100% USA!

Providence
Hey, look at me! I went to Brown University where nobody gets grades because I'm a big hippy nerd!

New York
People from New York say waiting on line rather than waiting in line and actually do neither. For that, three of their citizens must be defeated in a stand-up comedy competition!

Boston
A very racist place, whereas Detroit has no history of any racial tension whatsoever.

Atlanta
Not sure what to say here since I've never even been to Atlanta before. Boo hoo, I better go kill myself!

Good luck, everybody!

Next Stop: Right Now

Sometimes people skulk around the subway turnstiles and then ask people for a swipe of their Metro Card. A woman was doing this on my way to work the other morning. I didn’t realize that my card had expired until I swiped it and the screen said INSUFFICIENT FARE. So I walked over to the machine to get a new card, but the woman mistook my walking away as me swiping my card for her. She said, “Ohhhh, thank you so much!” and barreled right into the still locked turnstile before I could say anything.

We’ll file that story under You Had to Be There Physical Comedy.

Anyway, if you happen to be in or around Cambridge, MA next Tuesday, you should come to the Lizard Lounge. I’ll be doing stand-up at my friend Neil Cleary’s show called Neil Cleary’s Doozy. Says this mention:

Boston roots rocker Neil Cleary says he wants Doozy, his Tuesday night residency
running through August at the Lizard Lounge, to feel like a cross between the
classic rock documentary "The Last Waltz" and "The Muppet Show." And if anyone
can pull off that balance, Cleary would be a good candidate. He has a knack for
writing infectious pop rock tunes undercut with sarcasm and self-deprecation
(think Matthew Sweet or Aimee Mann). The residency will feature comedians (Jesse
Popp), musicians (Boston's David Champagne), funny musicians (James Kochalka
Superstar), and musical comedians (MC Mr. Napkins).

21+. 8:30 p.m. $5.
The Lizard Lounge, 1667 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge. 617-547-0759.

Looking at the flyer, the other performers on my night are:

James Kochalka Superstar
David Kamm
MC Mr. Napkins
The Artificial Hearts

Come on down!

Also, come to Beauty Bar on Sunday!

Do so many things!

Spain So Solly!

As most of you probably know, the Summer Olympics are currently taking place in China. So, obviously, the Spanish basketball team posed for this photograph:



Not Pictured: Shooting Guard Mickey Rooney



Take a lap, Spain!

Late to the Party

I came home last night and saw that somebody had gone to work on the door to my apartment building. Broke through the first pane of glass, tried to pry open the lock. Hasn’t this person heard about gentrification? You should be doodling in a coffee shop, jerk face!

And where were the old drunk guys that play dominoes outside almost 24 hours a day when all this happened? Their surveillance skills may be slipping seeing as how I’ve walked past them at least 900 times and the other day I came home and one of them said, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

If you ask me, I think the landlord tried to steal the building for the insurance money, but then realized it wouldn’t fit in his van. At the very least, I put the over/under on him fixing the door at 4.5 months. Place your bets!

To be honest, though, I’m not even sure where I live. When I first moved in the broker said it was Williamsburg. Then someone asked me where I lived, I said Williamsburg, they asked me my cross streets, I told them and they said, “Nice try, that’s Bushwick.” So then I started saying Bushwick but someone pulled the same routine and said, “Sorry, that’s Williamsburg.” So now whenever someone asks me where I live I just throw a bunch of Neutral Milk Hotel CDs into the air and run out of the room. The perfect diversion!

Painting the Town Famous

Growing up in Michigan I never got to see very many celebrities. The truth is it's mostly people from "The Midwest". Sure, one time I saw Chris Hansen at the hardware store, but that was back when he was still a local reporter on the make and online predators were just a glimmer in his eye.

But here in New York almost every time you turn around it's Wowee! and Holy Smokes! Lookee who it is! Here are some of the celebrities I've seen and what exactly it was that I saw them doing.

Andre Dawson

Autographing a baseball for a youngster.

Wallace Shawn

Dropping something in the street and then picking it back up. Whoops!

The Guy from Ashford and Simpson

Wandering through Central Park alone, appearing to be strung out on pancake makeup.

Andy Rooney

Shuffling down the sidewalk at the rate of one half mile per hour. They should be called sideSHUFFLES, right Andy?

Michael Musto

Riding his bicycle in search of gossip.

Rihanna

I came upon a crowd of people causing a commotion on the sidewalk. A young woman I didn’t recognize was being lead into an SUV by a bunch of bodyguards. I asked some lady who it was and she said RIHANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I guess that was her.

Adrien Brody

Walking with his arm around a girl. He must be beating them off with an Oscar!

Tim Robbins

Using an ATM. I tried to see what his balance was but I was all the way on the other side of the street!

RZA

I walked right past him and looked at him like “Whoa, it’s The RZA from Wu Tang Clan!” And then he looked at me like “Whoa, it’s Jesse Popp from the 2002 season of Comedy Central’s Premium Blend hosted by Wanda Sykes!” Then I went to go get a haircut.

Who do you think I'll see next??

Shipping and Handling

Gimmie Gimmie I Need I Need

So, I happened upon this online: Hardballs: How to Mind Control Customer Service Reps written by some lady named Lona.

I've worked three different customer service jobs* and almost every word of this thing gave me horrible flashbacks. Dig in:

When you get a CSR on the phone, immediately ask to speak to a supervisor When/if they insist that they can help you, keeping your tone low and even, state again that you need to speak to a supervisor. Not want, need. If they again insist, state in a clear and calm, low tone, that they WILL connect you to a supervisor, now. Do not yell, shout, or raise your voice or tone. "No. You are going to get a supervisor for me. Thank you. I'll wait." Say "thank you" immediately. Do not wait for them to answer your request first. If they again insist, hang up immediately. Call back. If you get the same person, make the request again, and if they again refuse, hang up, wait one hour for a shift change, and then call back. Do not give the initial person your name. They do not need it.

Good grief, woman! Right out of the gate like that? Every time? Perhaps the biggest sourpuss ever born. I also take issue with this:

This is not a 'talent', it is a skill, and by following these steps you can usually avoid the horrific experiences many consumers have. Not to mention gain a wonderful story.

Oh, I bet! You know, I remember reading that after Bob Newhart did his first show the crowd went nuts and wanted an encore, but he didn't have any other material, so he went out and did the same set again. That probably happens to this lady all the time. Just crushing everywhere she goes with her So Then I Said routine. Ugh, go live on the moon why don't ya!




*Here’s something funny from one of those jobs. After every call the customer was sent an email an asked to comment on the service they received. This is one of the actual responses I got and saved:

"I find Jesse to be a model of Christ-like perfection in every conceivable way. Give him more power!"

I’m afraid to say they never did. Although, they did write me up for having an “attitude problem.” Just like they did to Jesus!

Adultery-Rod

So, all the gossip rags have been abuzz because the baseball player Alex Rodriguez is rumored to be sleeping with Madonna. Then today it came out that his wife, Cynthia, might be sleeping with Lenny Kravitz. That all seems pretty outlandish, but when they got married they agreed to only cheat on each other with people who had songs on the Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me soundtrack. BLAMMO!!

Report

I watched a movie called Half Nelson last night. It's about a schoolteacher in Brooklyn who smokes a lot of crack and learns lessons. It was pretty good. Although, I was struck by one scene where he had company over and rushed to tidy up the place so as to not look like a crackhead at the end of his rope and it only took him 20 seconds. I looked around my apartment and figured it would probably take me half an hour and I've never even done regular cocaine. Oh well, there was also a scene where a girl socked him right in the mouth and that's never happened to me, so we'll call this one a wash!

Secondly, here is a commercial for a car dealership which features Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella rapping. Now, Ozzie Guillen is mostly just generally bad at rapping, but Lou Pinella is quite simply out of this world! What is he doing?! Did he see somebody rap in 1980 and then somehow manage to never see it again? "You want me to what? Rap? Ohhhh, you mean like that Debbie Harry stuff? Let's do it!"

Anyway, here it is: