A couple months ago, Danny Solomon approached me with an idea for a show. He wanted to fan the flames of hometown pride and have a tournament of comedians grouped into teams based on where they are from. I thought, "That's not a bad idea, but it will probably never happen because Danny Solomon is from Kansas City and people from Kansas City are well known to be lazy and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without handouts from the government." Then I went to go talk to someone from the Metro Detroit area so I could feel like a real American again.
But, lo and behold, he pulled it off!
Tonight at The Pit
The 1st Annual All-Cities Comedy Tournament
Team New Jersey vs Team Detroit
Hosted by Danny Solomon and David Cope
9:30 PM
$8
Buy tickets here.
Here are the lineups:
Team Detroit
Jesse Popp
Brent Sullivan
Jiwon Li
Team New Jersey
Nick Maritato
Sean O'Connor
Julian McCullough
And just to get you up to speed on this match up, let's take a completely objective look at the tale of the tape.
Industry
Detroit: The Automobile
New Jersey: Manhattan's garbage
EDGE: Detroit
Sports
Detroit: Joe Louis, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, Lions
New Jersey: Two football teams that tell everybody they're from New York, a basketball team that's moving to Brooklyn, and a hockey team named after Satan.
EDGE: Detroit
Music
Detroit: Motown, Bill Haley, The Stooges, MC5, Bob Seger, Alice Cooper, Glenn Frey from THE EAGLES, Sonny Bono, Madonna, The White Stripes, should I keep going or are you ready to call Uncle…Kracker!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi
EDGE: Detroit
Organized Crime
Detroit: The Purple Gang, The Chambers Brothers
New Jersey: The Sopranos on A&E without the swears
EDGE: Detroit
Weird Laws
Detroit: You can do whatever you want.
New Jersey: You can't pump your own gas.
Edge: Detroit
Incongruous Nickname
Detroit: The Paris of the West
New Jersey: The Garden State
EDGE: Detroit
Recent Political Scandal
Detroit: The mayor had a girlfriend
New Jersey: The governor had a boyfriend.
EDGE: Push
Whoa, Detroit in a landslide!
Provided we win, here are the other places that I am fully prepared to pretend that I hate at upcoming shows:
Chicago
Lake Michigan? Michigan Avenue? I think it's pretty clear where you wish you were from in your dreams!
New Orleans
French Quarter? Detroit = 100% USA!
Providence
Hey, look at me! I went to Brown University where nobody gets grades because I'm a big hippy nerd!
New York
People from New York say waiting on line rather than waiting in line and actually do neither. For that, three of their citizens must be defeated in a stand-up comedy competition!
Boston
A very racist place, whereas Detroit has no history of any racial tension whatsoever.
Atlanta
Not sure what to say here since I've never even been to Atlanta before. Boo hoo, I better go kill myself!
Good luck, everybody!
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