Productivity Update

Yesterday I spent about thirty minutes searching for a video clip of a seal playing horns. I did it because I’ve never been sure if horn playing is a thing that seals actually do or if it’s just the province of old cartoons, like say, cats getting pumped up when they find a fish skeleton in the garbage. Anyway, all I found was stuff about the Book of Revelations and Kiss From a Rose and realized that I should probably throw this computer out the window. But cooler heads prevailed and instead I paid iTunes $1.99 and watched Game 3 of the 1984 ALCS. Go Tigers!

I also bring you two things I found in an old notebook from 2006.

First, I wrote down an exchange I had with some jerk lady at the crummiest job I’ve ever had in my whole life. To set this story up you need to know that the office was giving out free flu shots that day, this lady already hated me because I had declined to pitch in for a new microwave and also she had a big sign on her desk that read: I DON’T KNOW THE QUESTION BUT THE ANSWER IS CHOCOLATE.

(Lady walks up to my desk)

Hi, what is your name again?

Jesse.

Well, Jason, I was just wondering if you were going to get a flu shot.

No, thanks.

Why not?

I’ve never had one before.

What do you mean?

I’ve never had a flu shot before.

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why don’t you just get a flu shot?

Because I don’t get the flu.

So...you’re not getting a flu shot?

Nope.

(Storming off)
Well, have fun getting the flu!

Second. These are some things I overheard a bunch of funny old ladies say in a deli during one of my lunch breaks:

I keep my pennies separate so when I need a penny I don't have to dig around in my purse like a crazy person.

Oh, I know!

Look at this. Randy Johnson love child. Who cares?!

Randy Johnson? I don't know from Randy Johnson.

He's a ball player! So what? He throws a ball! Love child. If Joe Schmo has a love child it wouldn't make the FRONT PAGE! Too much money, these ball players!

Did you see Queen Latifah on the television?

Yes, now there's a nice woman!

Does anyone want my extra jelly?