High on The Hog

Things are getting worse every day. Here is a chilling excerpt from Page Six Magazine’s Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies:

Since the financial markets started collapsing back in March, wealthy Prince Charmings, already an endangered species on the nightlife scene, have become almost completely extinct. The handsome ones aren't charming, the charming ones aren't handsome and many of the rich ones are now poor.

Okay, everybody calm down! After I read this I stayed up all night and I think I have a workable plan. First, round up all the wealthy Prince Charmings and fit them with radio collars so we can track them and help ensure their habitat. We can pay the rich ones who are now poor to do it. This will help them get back on their feet. Second, the handsome ones who aren’t charming will be sent to Madison Square Garden for a showing of the first two seasons of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I still have to make some calls, but it’s a tentative yes for Monday, December 1st and those of you who already bought tickets for An Evening With Tina Turner will be given full refunds. Finally, the charming ones who aren’t handsome will talk their way into discounted memberships at Crunch Fitness and bulk pricing for all Axe Body Spray products. Now get out there and go show some chicks a night on the town!

What's this? Hold the phone:

Today even losers can score. According to Ted, "You used to hear women say, 'I'd never date anyone who makes less than $1 million.' You don't hear that anymore. The number is getting lower and lower and lower."

Oh man, add about ten or twelve more lowers to that and I might be in the scoring business. Forget about my earlier plan! Don’t trust the banks! Sell! Sell! SELL!

"When we go out there are usually four guys buying us drinks. Now there is only one," sighs the petite 24-year-old brunette. "Guys just aren't going out as much. Plus, men aren't buying bottle service so there are no tables to invite women back to." The other two nod ruefully.

Why didn't they put a name to this quote? Now I'll never meet my future bride!

In all seriousness, though, you gotta like your chances once you’re the fourth guy buying girls drinks. This is who we had in charge of our money!

Glazed

About eight years ago I worked as a courier for a commercial real estate company in Detroit. My duties included driving around, picking up and dropping off various documents, making bank deposits, walking around in bookstores, taking naps in parking lots, etc. All for only $9 an hour! Sometimes I'd also have to drop off small-scale bribes, which were either Red Wings tickets or a case of Krispy Kreme donuts. I guess you're not supposed to give clients such gifts, so I was always told to drop them off without saying where I was from (wink, wink, nudge, poke, wink). The catch was that I always took them to places that I already went to two or three times a week, so they'd say, "Hi, Jesse. Oh hey, donuts. Thanks!"

Anyway, I think my company had a tab or some sort of understanding with Krispy Kreme. All I ever had to do was walk in wearing my dumb jacket with the company logo on it and say something like "Fifty donuts, please" and then they'd give me fifty donuts for free and all the other customers would stop and stare at me like I must be the President of The United States of America (in reality, it was Bill Clinton). I always wanted to walk in there and say "Fifty donuts, please" for my own selfish purposes but I never had the nerve. Or the donuts!

I only remembered that story just now because I've been sitting at my desk thinking about how as soon as that cafeteria opens I'm gonna pour a cup of coffee and go stuff my face with a big fat afternoon donut. I guess that's what growing up is all about.

Also, get this: I must have dropped a quarter as I walked into the subway station this morning, because some lady followed me down onto the platform and said, “Sir, you dropped your quarter!” and gave it back to me. All that for two bits! It’s so rare that a stranger is that overtly friendly to me in New York, that whenever it happens I momentarily wonder if I’m about to get mugged. Like, I say thanks and reach for the quarter and then her buddy hits me in the head with a pipe. Konk! “They finally got me!”

Luckily, she was just a nice lady who thinks I love quarters. After I got off the train I threw it at a bird. I could tell it thought it was better than me!

It's Thursday!

I am a longtime enjoyer of Spam, but they aren’t doing themselves any favors with quotes like this:

Spam is a combination of ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and a “hint” of sodium nitrite “to help Spam keep its gorgeous pink color,” according to Hormel’s Web site for the product. Because it is vacuum-sealed in a can and does not require refrigeration, Spam can last for years. Hormel says “it’s like meat with a pause button.”

I’ll rewind and pretend I didn’t see that. Spam is pretty gorgeous, though.


From the AP:

HOUSTON - Astronauts vowed to double-check, even triple-check, to make sure a bag of tools is properly tied down during a spacewalk Thursday so it doesn't float away like one did earlier this week.

They'd better triple-check. We just gave $700 bilion to the banking industry, I’m not springing for a bag of tools, too!


Here is one of the contested ballots in the Minnesota Senate recount:

See that, Lizard People? He’s on to your scam. He’s just not quite sure how it works. But he likes it!

Finally, this is very funny:

Puff! Glug! Fart!

Do I still have time to start my New Year's Resolutions or should I just hold off for another go in January? Let me know!

Worse comes to worse, at least my Christmas shopping's already done:


They keep breaking out of the wrapping paper! These orangutans are driving me crazy!

More Power

Looks like the internet has finally hit its stride: Tour Jack Kevorkian’s Apartment

I also saw this: 100 Skills Every Man Should Know. I went through the list and it would appear that I’m only 46% of a proper man. Well, ladies, I guess if you need a fella who can whittle or calibrate HDTV settings, it might be best for you to hit the road. Otherwise, hop in and watch me drive this stick-shift! And maybe later I’ll even change your diaper. Vroooooom!

Mexican scientists turn tequila into diamonds

Of course they do!

Quebec convict freed for being obese

This guy was smuggling in cakes with CAKES on the inside. That's what's called a double switcheroo joke.

And finally, Tony Dow has a sculpture in The Louvre.

Have a good weekend!

Yay, that.

Dear British Orphans,

I have the most wonderful news! A council in London has banned cigarette smokers from fostering children. That means you'll never have to worry about second hand smoke ever again.

Now get back into the cellar and finish your gruel!!

There he is, Mr. President

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is our next President is an African American who ran for the Illinois Senate in 2004.

Now the bad news.







It's not Alan Keyes!



"What?? But I'm crazy!!"


I'm sorry, Alan.

"Forget you, I'm moving into the White House!"



Alan, you can't just do that. You got ZERO electoral votes!



"What if I sit right here? How many do I have now?"


Still zero.


"What if I do this?"

Zero!

I got whipped!

I frequently eat at Blue 9 Burger on Sundays before I go to Beauty Bar (you should frequently eat at somewhere on Sundays before you go to Beauty Bar as well). But last night I was at Blue 9 and I found a clump of hair in my french fries. A whole clump! And look, I’d bet I’ve eaten much grosser things than some dumb old hair, but at least those other things had the guts to sneak into me. It’s all about gamesmanship.

Not to be outdone, I just read about a new form of tuberculosis caused Extremely Drug Resistant Tuberculosis (XDR-TB). Right now it's found mostly in the Third World and places like Russian prisons but there have been a number of cases right here in New York City. It has a mortality rate of 40% (as opposed to regular TB's 5%) and the meds used to treat it cost $20,000 and can cause liver damage, violent diarrhea, seizures and psychosis. And you have to take them for two years.

So fair warning: anyone who gives me XDR-TB is going straight into my doghouse. Enjoy the hairy french fries!