40-40

Broke rich people have got to be some of the biggest dummies in the whole world. I caught a documentary on A&E about Jose Canseco trying to quit steroids. He talked about how he can't find a job and is nearing bankruptcy. Then it cut to him walking around the outside of his chained up, foreclosed mansion. Then, later on, we find out that he managed to scrape up enough money to put a year's worth of rent down on a new place. And guess what? It was another mansion! Jose, all that juice has shriveled your brain in addition to your nuts! Get a bachelor pad, sell your fleet of motorcycles, eat some packed lunches and then you can cancel your boxing match with Danny Bonaduce. Trust me, I'm check to check and have never had to box anybody.

Just going by what I’ve learned of these men from reality shows, this is my impression of them right before the fight:

Jose Canseco: Aw gee whiz, I wish I had bigger muscles and could still play baseball.

Danny Bonaduce: Arrgh, I finally get to box Jose Canseco!!

Slo Poke

When I was a little kid I hoped that I would grow up to be short so I could just put on a mask and continue trick or treating into adulthood. I also recall wanting big sideburns and a house that was connected to the garage so I could go straight from the house to my car and then drive away just like Batman did. Basically, I guess I was hoping to wind up the neighborhood weirdo.

But now I’m 6’2’’ and living in an apartment with no garage, car, candy or sideburns. I haven’t even seen the new Batman movie. Quite a fall from grace!

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

Who is the real spaghetti and meatballs?

The cafeteria at my work is holding a pretty important election of its own. What should I want to eat for lunch on Wednesday November 5th? Here are my choices:

Spaghetti and Meatballs
Chicken Parmesan
Traditional Meatloaf

Hmmm, I think I'll probably vote forrrrr spaghett--oh no, some guy just tackled me and carved a chicken parmesan into my face! Meatloaf without preconditions! George Bush! Political comedy!

IT WILL BE SO STRONG

Hot dog, it looks like they released some more Kwame Kilpatrick text messages! The gift that keeps on giving:

Kwame Kilpatrick: John Kerry dissed me. I'm trippin!

That has some very strong catchphrase potential. I wonder if he dissed you because your wife beat up a stripper in your mansion, you covered it up, then she got murdered in a drive-by shooting and you fired most of the people who tried to investiagte you and now the stripper's family is suing the city for $150 million. Maybe that's it! Letting this guy be the mayor of Detroit for six years was worse than the Tigers trading for Juan Gonzales.

The court filing with the messages has been released as a 349 page PDF, and yes, I was bored enough to give it the once over. Um, here's one that probably won't make it into the paper:

Christine Beatty:I really wanted to give you some good head this morning and I didn’t know how to ask you to let me do it. I have wanted to since Friday night when you asked me at the club

Kilpatrick: Damn. I just got out the shower and looked at my 2way. NEXT TIME, JUST TELL ME TO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, and DO YOUR THING! I’m fucked up now!

Oh man, I think they might go "all the way"! There are plenty more that are even funnier and grosser than that, but I’ll refrain from posting them here (cough, pages 43-46, cough, stay away from page 153, cough).

This one’s only funny when you, as I've touched on before, read it thinking about how these are two people in charge of running a whole city with over 900,000 residents:

KK: EVERYTHING IS COOL. DID YOU GET BUSTED? YOU WERE KIND OF WET LAST NIGHT, INSIDE AND OUT. LOL

CB: OH, YOU GOT JOKES? ACTUALLY I DID GET BUSTED. WHICH IS WHY I WAS CHECKING IN WITH YOU. I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU HAD ROOM ON LESLIE WITH ME! LOL

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT ON LESLIE, BUT ANYWHERE ELSE YOU WANT TO STAY. LOL

CB: LOL LOL! DANG, YOU WOULDN’T TAKE ME INTO YOUR HOME? YOU TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHAT HAPPENED? LOL.

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT THE FAMOUS FLIP AGAIN…

Mr. Mayor, we might have to close 100 schools and over one third of the city lives below the poverty line! What should we do?? LOL LOL LOL! I’m fucked up now!

One more. And if I ever get married, these will definitely be my wedding vows:

KK: You and I - Jodeci. That's my cut. You and me, me and you. We can make love all night long. IT WILL BE SO STRONG BABY. IT WILL BE SO STRONG. I just want to say how I feel about you, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Anyway, maybe for your next job leave Mayor off your resume and just hope they don't Google you. See ya, fartface!

Shuffle Up and Update This Blog!

Well, my posting on here has been nothing if not inconsistent. It's not that I don't get ideas or have exciting things happen to me. No, that’s not it at all! It's just that sometimes I'll sit down at a computer and wonder if the world is ready to know about how I, for example, came upon a Burger King in Hartford, CT that still serves Rodeo Cheeseburgers and I ate two of them. Maybe, I'll think, this would be better suited for something like a one man show or The Great American Novel.

So you can see my predicament. And now here you are, over a month with no news from the front. My deepest apologies!

So far, only one funny thing has happened to me today. I was walking up out of the subway this morning when I heard a guy yell this:

“Women in charge is a lesbian lie! Women…in charge…is a lesbian…LIE!”

I laughed, turned to spot the guy and almost fell down the escalator but caught hold of the handrail at the last second. Then people started laughing at me instead. You crazy guys yelling gibberish are fixing for a feud!