Shipping and Handling

Gimmie Gimmie I Need I Need

So, I happened upon this online: Hardballs: How to Mind Control Customer Service Reps written by some lady named Lona.

I've worked three different customer service jobs* and almost every word of this thing gave me horrible flashbacks. Dig in:

When you get a CSR on the phone, immediately ask to speak to a supervisor When/if they insist that they can help you, keeping your tone low and even, state again that you need to speak to a supervisor. Not want, need. If they again insist, state in a clear and calm, low tone, that they WILL connect you to a supervisor, now. Do not yell, shout, or raise your voice or tone. "No. You are going to get a supervisor for me. Thank you. I'll wait." Say "thank you" immediately. Do not wait for them to answer your request first. If they again insist, hang up immediately. Call back. If you get the same person, make the request again, and if they again refuse, hang up, wait one hour for a shift change, and then call back. Do not give the initial person your name. They do not need it.

Good grief, woman! Right out of the gate like that? Every time? Perhaps the biggest sourpuss ever born. I also take issue with this:

This is not a 'talent', it is a skill, and by following these steps you can usually avoid the horrific experiences many consumers have. Not to mention gain a wonderful story.

Oh, I bet! You know, I remember reading that after Bob Newhart did his first show the crowd went nuts and wanted an encore, but he didn't have any other material, so he went out and did the same set again. That probably happens to this lady all the time. Just crushing everywhere she goes with her So Then I Said routine. Ugh, go live on the moon why don't ya!




*Here’s something funny from one of those jobs. After every call the customer was sent an email an asked to comment on the service they received. This is one of the actual responses I got and saved:

"I find Jesse to be a model of Christ-like perfection in every conceivable way. Give him more power!"

I’m afraid to say they never did. Although, they did write me up for having an “attitude problem.” Just like they did to Jesus!

Adultery-Rod

So, all the gossip rags have been abuzz because the baseball player Alex Rodriguez is rumored to be sleeping with Madonna. Then today it came out that his wife, Cynthia, might be sleeping with Lenny Kravitz. That all seems pretty outlandish, but when they got married they agreed to only cheat on each other with people who had songs on the Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me soundtrack. BLAMMO!!

Report

I watched a movie called Half Nelson last night. It's about a schoolteacher in Brooklyn who smokes a lot of crack and learns lessons. It was pretty good. Although, I was struck by one scene where he had company over and rushed to tidy up the place so as to not look like a crackhead at the end of his rope and it only took him 20 seconds. I looked around my apartment and figured it would probably take me half an hour and I've never even done regular cocaine. Oh well, there was also a scene where a girl socked him right in the mouth and that's never happened to me, so we'll call this one a wash!

Secondly, here is a commercial for a car dealership which features Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella rapping. Now, Ozzie Guillen is mostly just generally bad at rapping, but Lou Pinella is quite simply out of this world! What is he doing?! Did he see somebody rap in 1980 and then somehow manage to never see it again? "You want me to what? Rap? Ohhhh, you mean like that Debbie Harry stuff? Let's do it!"

Anyway, here it is:

Ditto:Ditto:Ditto:YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!!!

A benefit to buying used books is that the previous owners sometimes leave their weirdo stuff inside the pages. For example, this potential missing link between the serious, paper-based office memo and hilarious e-mail forward. Who knew there was trouble in the workplace even way back in 1989!

We're Talking About Practice

If you’re going to do a news story called Don’t Mess With These Granny B-Ballers, you might want the video to show them making at least ONE basket. You took a whole crew down there and the Grannies really did nothing but shoot airballs and dribble off their feet all day? Did the game end in a 0-0 tie with 500 turnovers? You’re warning me not to mess with them, but now I feel like I could!

They Butts

My gift to you today is this direct quote from a drunk guy yelling on the subway this morning:

"The one thing that makes me so happy is that women get old, too! All women gonna get old! And they fart and they butts stink! They take off they panties and they butts stink! And now I gotta go to court for some bullshit?? I’m gonna drink this beer and then another beer and then another beer! You’re all pagans!"

Also, here’s a picture of a squirrel that is cooler than you. Let it sink in that you are not as cool as this squirrel. He's just hanging out!

Right Quick

The Bilderberg Group, believed by some to be the shadow government that secretly runs the world, held their annual meeting in Chantilly, VA recently. Says this article:

According to a list published by one critic, the attendees of Bilderberg 2008 include Henry Kissinger, Ben S. Bernanke, David Rockefeller, Vin Weber, Henry Kravis, Robert B. Zoelick, Donald Graham, Vernon Jordan, Charlie Rose, and their equals from Europe.

Charlie Rose was there?? It all makes sense now!

"Bring me the head of Tavis Smiley!"

"NOVA will be mine!"

Hard Target

To the person who found this site by searching for crunchy corn bran shortage,

I suppose I should have been more specific in my previous post.
I found my box here:


Good luck!

And to the person who found this site by repeatedly searching for jesse porn,

I’m gonna find out where you live and hit you over the head with my purse. Fresh!

I haven't eaten since Charlotte!

No posts in over a month? What a jerk! All right, let’s knock a few out right now and get back up to speed by next week.

I went down to New Orleans this past weekend with Sean Patton for some shows at the La Nuit Theater. The shows were very fun and I’m sure the good people of New Orleans will talk about me for years to come, just like they do Bobby Hebert.



Here are some of the other things I did:

I played bucket drums with a homeless man.

I walked through a whole casino without gambling.

Aside from some coffee and orange juice, I had nothing but fried food and alcohol for three days. I don’t think I could live in The French Quarter year-round and that’s mostly because I would be dead after about two weeks.

My final review: Four out of four crawdads!