Lady Gaga After The Dentist

So far this site has only had five visitors in January and one of them was someone who Googled “Harry Nilsson allergies.”

I can't help but feel that this lack of traffic is at least partially due to me not posting much of anything for the last year or so. The rest is everybody else's fault. Way to go!

Anyway, I changed a few things around and added a couple doodads. And I figure the title of this post alone will get me a few million hits right off the bat. Yes, 2010 is looking up, so stay tuned and never leave your computer's side!

Kabin

Here's a clip from a set I did back in 2007. It took me this long to get it online because I've only had the DVD in my room since about January 2008. So, look for a clip of new jokes some time in the next decade!

Because He's Not Good At Sports But You Make Him Play Them Anyway

(via Amazon)

20/20

We've all wanted to skip out on work before, but this Colorado Blockbuster employee wanted it more than you could ever know:

Man says he stabbed himself because he didn't want to work

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

Yes, skinheads or Hispanc males. Definitely one of those two. But, also, I mean, maybe they were either The Yakuza or black guys. It all happened so fast! Anyway, if you could just cover my shift and then never ask me about this again, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!

Paranormal

Here's a thing from the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon blog with a bunch of NY comics. I show up briefly to do a poor job of pretending to be scared but a good job of actually eating free popcorn. Also, finally, recorded evidence of Peter Kassnove sitting on my lap! Enjoy!

Nilsson v. Bunch

Am I crazy or does Harry Nilsson's Driving Along and The Brady Bunch's Good Time Music almost sound like the same song?





Either way, at least I've maintained my streak of never once wasting time on the internet!

Get your ass to Mars

Laying the groundwork for a possible mission to Mars, The European Space Agency is looking for volunteers to lock up for 520 days right here on Earth and see if they go crazy.

Unfortunately, according to the application, I am ineligible for a few minor reasons (over 185cm tall, a smoker, not a resident of Europe or Canada, lack of fluency in Russian, no background or relevant work experience in medicine, biology, lifesupport systems engineering, computer engineering, electronic engineering or mechanical engineering). Otherwise, I'd be all over this. So close!

But don't let me stop you. If you read this blog and happen to be a foreign born health nut bilingual scientist with no real prospects for 2010-2012, go fill out the forms and take your best shot at pretend outer space jail!

Artisan Loaf

My search for free wi-fi has reached its end and I'm coming to you live from a Panera Bread in Dearborn, Michigan!

It's a little strange that they have a firewall here. It's blocking a bunch of sites that aren't even dirty. Is this strip mall on Chinese soil? Is Panera Bread in league with the New World Order? All I know is someone's trying to be the boss of me and I don't care for it!

Anyway, my battery's dying, so a few quick things:

Thanks to everyone who came to the shows on Saturday. Unfortunately, I was blown out with allergies. After the shows, everybody went to a bar down the street while I slept in the car. That is no way to live.

Did I really hear on the news that the FBI is digging for Jimmy Hoffa again? Hoffa's been legally dead since 1982, and the feds are about 0 for 20 looking for him, so I think this must be a hazing ritual for rookie agents. You know, make them fly down to Detroit and work the bulldozer in an old tireyard for a few days before they let them off the hook.

I'm trying to stuff my face at all the junkfood places that are not in New York. So far I've had Steak 'n Shake and Olga's. I still have eyes for Del Taco, A&W and Dairy Queen, but I don't think Arby's will make the cut. I'm not a monster!

I was going through some boxes in my old bedroom and found a VHS tape of a little league all-star game I played in back in 1988 that aired on public access. I forgot all about this game so I laughed when it took me about 20 seconds to strike out in my only at bat. I must have blocked it out. This is the verbatim play by play by the announcer:

Up steps Jesse Popp to the plate. Strike one.

And...he swung at that one even though it was high.

And he strikes out. Jesse is a fan of baseball, basketball and football.

Yes! Future #1 Draft Pick!

Okay, I'm packing up. Good luck!

September Call-Ups

Hey everybody. I haven't updated this blog since June? Whoops!

To be fair, I've been posting on Twitter and Facebook and talking at shows, so it's not like I'm some kind of a crazy jerk. But I can only keep track of so many things at the same time, usually about two or three. Four if it's for charity or I'm not drunk.

Besides, I've been very busy being unemployed. I spent years fantasizing about all the things I could accomplish if I just didn't have to go to work everyday and now I'm finally doing it! Let's look at some of the things I've already done this week:

Ate peanut butter for breakfast!

Emailed resumes!

Went jogging and accidentally kicked a dead rat on the sidewalk!

Watched cable television!

Walked to the laundromat to pick up my laundry but the lady behind the counter said, "Not ready! Not ready!" so I said, "Okay" and walked back to my apartment!

Took some newspapers from last week and threw 'em right into the ol' garbage pail!

So, you can see what I mean.

But let's get the ball rolling...

First, if you find yourself in Michigan this Saturday, I stress that you should attend this comedy show:

Riverside Arts Center
Kenny Zimlinghaus and Friends

Saturday 7:30 and 9:30
$12

Kenny Zimlinghaus
Vince Averill
Greg Johnson
Jesse Popp

Tickets available at the door or in advance at Brown Paper Tickets.

Most of us did a show at the same venue back in January and it was good fun. I'll see you there!

Second, here are a couple videos. I'm only in this one for a quick second but it's funny and features Gabe Delahaye, Max Silvestri, Larry Murphy, Patrick Borelli and Jenny Slate:



And this is a video of my set at Cassidy Henehan's roast. He recently moved back to New Orleans, I believe to try out for the Saints. Not sure yet if he made the final cut. Anyway, hope you like jokes about my friends!



Well, that about gets us square. See you in December!

The Heart Punch Kills!

So, I got interviewed in the New York Times, if you can believe that. It's for a weekly series called One in 8 Million, which is definitely worth checking out just in general. Do it!

It should also be noted that I don't have Sirius, but if you do, check out Guys Uncensored on Cosmo Radio. It's hosted by Kenny Zimlinghaus and I've been on a few times with Greg Johnson and Peter Kassnove. It's fun and they give me free coffee and orange juice and pretzel sticks. That's how uncensored I am.

And be sure to come out to Beauty Bar this Sunday. Vince Averill and I, as always, plus all these funny comedians:

Katina Corrao
Hari Kondabolu
Morgan Murphy
MC Mr Napkins
Barry Rothbart

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE


(via Matt McCarthy)