Government Error In Your Favor

That picture was taken right after I checked my bank balance and discovered that the IRS had peeled off 600 economically stimulating dollars for me.

This must be how Willie Nelson never felt!

Always Be Clothing

Yesterday I encountered one of the more unorthodox up-selling attempts I’ve ever seen. I was buying a pair of pants and a shirt and the clerk said:

“You want more than one pants?”

“No, thanks.”

“How about another shirt?”

“No, just these. Thanks, though.”

“You want tie?”

“No.”

“How about belt? You want belt?”

“No. Thank you.”

“You need underwear?”

“Nope. Just this.”

“How about new suit? You like a new suit?”

Once again, that progression starts at More Pants, works itself all the way down to Underwear and then blasts off for NEW SUIT.

Gettin' after it in The Big City!

Hey Marino

This monkey’s on the Seefood Diet: he sees food and he completely DESTROYS it!


Look at that thing! Seriously, look at the very fat monkey! I’ve been staring at this like it’s a 3-D poster. I think he keeps his mouth open like that on the off chance a banana or a big bucket of syrup falls into it. The dude behind him is not looking so hot either. Somebody needs to drop some Perfect Pushups into that pit!

Weekly Evil

Here’s a clip of me and some other comics tossing in our two cents about Lost and how it’s evil. And boy is it!

Got up and took a little walk

I actually helped a little old lady cross the street recently. I had always figured that sort of thing for an urban legend started by the Boy Scouts, but no!

A big gust of wind was having its way with her and she started flipping out. "Mister! Mister! Save me!" I walked over and grabbed onto her arm and she said, "Mister, please don't kill me!" I don't have much experience in holding onto people while they plead for me not to kill them, so I let go of her thinking I had misread the situation. But it turns out that was just her weird old lady way of saying don't let go of her because as soon as I did she said, "Why are you trying to kill me?? Get me away from all the cars! I don't wanna die!" I grabbed her arm again and helped her across the street while she yelled at me about how I had tried to kill her. Once I got her on the sidewalk she slapped me on the arm and went along her brittle way.

Since then, I’ve seen her around twice and both times she was on the sidewalk yelling at people. I’ve assisted a monster!

Colonel John Grubb

I'm gearing up for the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. I know almost nothing about horse racing, and yet, I always seem to win money on horse racing. Here’s how I do it!

Race: 2006 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Barbaro to WIN

I bet on Barbaro because of the baseball player Barbaro Garbey. I got his autograph at Wonderland Mall after the Tigers won the World Series in 1984. He wasn’t exactly an integral part of the team, but the lines were too long for Chet Lemon and Alan Trammell. And now you know the rest of the story.



Race: 2007 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Street Sense to WIN

At the time of this race I was in Las Vegas. I picked Street Sense simply because it was the favorite and you’re not allowed to go more than an hour without betting on something. You only have a gambling problem when you lose!


Race: 2007 Belmont Stakes
Bet: Rags to Riches to WIN

I placed a couple small other bets on this race at my local OTB. Now, if you wanted to show someone what a cool person looked like, you would never take them to an OTB because that place is a grimy nut house. But as I walked out, a big black guy was standing by himself, just leaning against a wall and eating a whole bar of Toblerone. He looked at me and said, “Rags to Riches, my brother. Rags to Riches.” I immediately went back in and bet on Rags to Riches to win.


In summary, before placing a bet on a race, you need to ask yourself three questions:

1. Which horse shares a name with a member of the 1984 Detroit Tigers?

2. Which horse is the odds-on favorite?

3. What’s the cool black guy eating candy think?

Pig Pen

Uh-oh, I forgot to do laundry and had to wear mostly dirty clothes to work!

One more thing, one more thing...which way to Beauty Bar??

Anyway. Big time show on Sunday. This one's shaping up to be an old fashioned pitcher's duel:

Roger Hailes
Chris Jurek
Peter Kassnove
Richard Sandling
Mary Van Note

With special guest: You!

Plus, as always, me and Vince Averill.

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (Btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE

Temp to Stuffed

One of my favorite things is called a subsidized cafeteria. I can't tell you how or why they come to be, but the place where I work has one and, well, let me just get straight to bragging about it.

This is what I had for breakfast:

20 oz. Starbucks Coffee
16 oz Tropicana (Some Pulp) Orange Juice
Egg Whites, Spinach, Sausage and Swiss Cheese on Flatbread
Small Cheese Danish

Total Price: $3.65!

Here's what I had for lunch:

Slow Roasted Marlin
Steamed Asparagus
Salad (with Chick Peas, Carrots, Olives, Tomatoes, Black Beans and Blue Cheese Crumbles)
Large Ice Water
Slice of Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

Total Price: $5.50!

Completely insane. I normally consider it a perk if I don't have to clock out to take a leak and at this place I get to eat sit-down restaurant type food for less than I use to pay to force a Subway 6" Garbage and Cheese Turdwich down my throat for the 9,000th time. I feel like a drifter who snuck onto the dining car and no one's noticed him yet! In fact, and this is not a joke, I was in the cafeteria loading up on blue cheese and I overheard a lady say this:

"Stop by later and I can lend you my opera glasses."

Charmed, I'm sure!

That Would Be Fantastic

I just got my tax refund back and rolled it over into Dennis Scott rookie cards.


This'll be the one that finally gets me square!