The Wet Look

People of New York,

I urge you to continue barreling down the sidewalk and whacking me in the face with your gigantic, stupid umbrellas like it’s no big deal. This is not a time for common courtesy. I just want you to focus on how it would feel to have one raindrop land on you. Really focus on it. Let it wash over you like one raindrop. Now get out there and do your worst!

And if it's not raining, just whack me in the face with something else. We don't even know each other!

Jesse

Emphasis Added

This, from Wikipedia, is pretty funny:

Tom The Fool (real name Tom Skelton) was a jester in the castle at the end of the 16th Century - reputedly the last court jester in English history. A friend of William Shakespeare, he was by all accounts a dark character responsible for a number of deaths during his time at Muncaster, not merely the murder of the carpenter at Sir Ferdinand Pennington's orders. One of his ideas of a "joke" was directing anyone asking him for directions to Ravenglass towards the hidden quicksand and bog marsh by the River Esk rather than the ford - some realised in time, many did not and were never seen again.

Present owners of Muncaster, Phyllada and Patrick Gordon-Duff-Pennington, believe Tom still keeps a watchful eye on the castle, and occasionally gets up to more sinister mischief. Most of the ghostly goings on are attributed to this fiendish fool, but with several other ghosts at Muncaster any of them could be responsible.

His portrait still hangs in the Castle, which contains his Will. Skelton died around 1600, according to legend in the very marshes where he'd sent so many to their deaths when trying to return to the castle whilst drunk.

The castle still has a special day called 'Tom Fool's day', which is a family fun day with various attractions.

Snackers

Let’s see what California is up to:

ANDERSON — A trio of Anderson girls are in hot water with their fast-food employer for dipping themselves into the sink used to clean dishes.

One of the girls bathing in the sink at the Anderson Kentucky Fried Chicken posted the photos on the Internet and after management learned of them, all three were suspended today, said Cheri, assistant manager at the restaurant. She declined to give her last name.

Suspended?? What, can you get tenure at KFC? Does management have to meet with these girls’ union steward first? They took a bath in the sink of a Kentucky Fried Chicken! I feel faint. I think I need to sit down for a minute.

See, this is why I’ve never read Fast Food Nation. By the second chapter I'd probably go rent a car and drive off a cliff. Let's keep the grossness behind closed doors!

Don’t act like you didn’t know I was Spider-Man

Leaded

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Johnny Cash might be high on drugs in this clip. Drugs meaning plural.

Lenny Dykstra = MC2

From the NY Post:

Halcyon Jets alleged this month that Dykstra bounced a $7,000 check for a September flight from Las Vegas to Van Nuys, Calif.

"That's my f- - -in' ashtray money, bro," he said. "I don't even know if I flew on their plane.

Dykstra also showed The Post the jacket lining of his charcoal-gray pinstripe suit. "See that purple label, bro? That's seven large."

Give me one good reason why this guy isn't interviewed every day. Just one. See? You can't do it!

And in future news, according to the NY Times, you can now get your kids’ DNA tested to see which sports they’re best suited for:

BOULDER, Colo. — When Donna Campiglia learned recently that a genetic test might be able to determine which sports suit the talents of her 2 ½-year-old son, Noah, she instantly said, Where can I get it and how much does it cost?

“I could see how some people might think the test would pigeonhole your child into doing fewer sports or being exposed to fewer things, but I still think it’s good to match them with the right activity,” Ms. Campiglia, 36, said as she watched a toddler class at Boulder Indoor Soccer in which Noah struggled to take direction from the coach between juice and potty breaks.

Good grief. Is there even a small chance that this lady will not make her kid turn total screwjob? I can’t wait until the test comes back that Noah could be good at basketball and then she takes to yelling at him in the driveway for playing with bugs instead of working on his post moves. “Well, it looks like someone doesn’t want a scholarship in fifteen and a half years! You’re making a disgrace of your whole genome!”

You can only hope to contain me

So, did everyone have a nice Thanksgiving? Great!

I ate with some friends up in Harlem. Here’s a video from when I did the same thing last year:



Anyway, when I got there this time I noticed a scale in the bathroom. I weighed myself and then I weighed myself again right before I left. And guess what? I was ten and a half pounds heavier. By the next day I was back to normal but the fact remains that I am a first-class pig!

Also, I won at poker but lost at Yahtzee. Something to work on for next year.

High on The Hog

Things are getting worse every day. Here is a chilling excerpt from Page Six Magazine’s Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies:

Since the financial markets started collapsing back in March, wealthy Prince Charmings, already an endangered species on the nightlife scene, have become almost completely extinct. The handsome ones aren't charming, the charming ones aren't handsome and many of the rich ones are now poor.

Okay, everybody calm down! After I read this I stayed up all night and I think I have a workable plan. First, round up all the wealthy Prince Charmings and fit them with radio collars so we can track them and help ensure their habitat. We can pay the rich ones who are now poor to do it. This will help them get back on their feet. Second, the handsome ones who aren’t charming will be sent to Madison Square Garden for a showing of the first two seasons of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I still have to make some calls, but it’s a tentative yes for Monday, December 1st and those of you who already bought tickets for An Evening With Tina Turner will be given full refunds. Finally, the charming ones who aren’t handsome will talk their way into discounted memberships at Crunch Fitness and bulk pricing for all Axe Body Spray products. Now get out there and go show some chicks a night on the town!

What's this? Hold the phone:

Today even losers can score. According to Ted, "You used to hear women say, 'I'd never date anyone who makes less than $1 million.' You don't hear that anymore. The number is getting lower and lower and lower."

Oh man, add about ten or twelve more lowers to that and I might be in the scoring business. Forget about my earlier plan! Don’t trust the banks! Sell! Sell! SELL!

"When we go out there are usually four guys buying us drinks. Now there is only one," sighs the petite 24-year-old brunette. "Guys just aren't going out as much. Plus, men aren't buying bottle service so there are no tables to invite women back to." The other two nod ruefully.

Why didn't they put a name to this quote? Now I'll never meet my future bride!

In all seriousness, though, you gotta like your chances once you’re the fourth guy buying girls drinks. This is who we had in charge of our money!

Glazed

About eight years ago I worked as a courier for a commercial real estate company in Detroit. My duties included driving around, picking up and dropping off various documents, making bank deposits, walking around in bookstores, taking naps in parking lots, etc. All for only $9 an hour! Sometimes I'd also have to drop off small-scale bribes, which were either Red Wings tickets or a case of Krispy Kreme donuts. I guess you're not supposed to give clients such gifts, so I was always told to drop them off without saying where I was from (wink, wink, nudge, poke, wink). The catch was that I always took them to places that I already went to two or three times a week, so they'd say, "Hi, Jesse. Oh hey, donuts. Thanks!"

Anyway, I think my company had a tab or some sort of understanding with Krispy Kreme. All I ever had to do was walk in wearing my dumb jacket with the company logo on it and say something like "Fifty donuts, please" and then they'd give me fifty donuts for free and all the other customers would stop and stare at me like I must be the President of The United States of America (in reality, it was Bill Clinton). I always wanted to walk in there and say "Fifty donuts, please" for my own selfish purposes but I never had the nerve. Or the donuts!

I only remembered that story just now because I've been sitting at my desk thinking about how as soon as that cafeteria opens I'm gonna pour a cup of coffee and go stuff my face with a big fat afternoon donut. I guess that's what growing up is all about.

Also, get this: I must have dropped a quarter as I walked into the subway station this morning, because some lady followed me down onto the platform and said, “Sir, you dropped your quarter!” and gave it back to me. All that for two bits! It’s so rare that a stranger is that overtly friendly to me in New York, that whenever it happens I momentarily wonder if I’m about to get mugged. Like, I say thanks and reach for the quarter and then her buddy hits me in the head with a pipe. Konk! “They finally got me!”

Luckily, she was just a nice lady who thinks I love quarters. After I got off the train I threw it at a bird. I could tell it thought it was better than me!

It's Thursday!

I am a longtime enjoyer of Spam, but they aren’t doing themselves any favors with quotes like this:

Spam is a combination of ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and a “hint” of sodium nitrite “to help Spam keep its gorgeous pink color,” according to Hormel’s Web site for the product. Because it is vacuum-sealed in a can and does not require refrigeration, Spam can last for years. Hormel says “it’s like meat with a pause button.”

I’ll rewind and pretend I didn’t see that. Spam is pretty gorgeous, though.


From the AP:

HOUSTON - Astronauts vowed to double-check, even triple-check, to make sure a bag of tools is properly tied down during a spacewalk Thursday so it doesn't float away like one did earlier this week.

They'd better triple-check. We just gave $700 bilion to the banking industry, I’m not springing for a bag of tools, too!


Here is one of the contested ballots in the Minnesota Senate recount:

See that, Lizard People? He’s on to your scam. He’s just not quite sure how it works. But he likes it!

Finally, this is very funny: