Hey Marino

This monkey’s on the Seefood Diet: he sees food and he completely DESTROYS it!


Look at that thing! Seriously, look at the very fat monkey! I’ve been staring at this like it’s a 3-D poster. I think he keeps his mouth open like that on the off chance a banana or a big bucket of syrup falls into it. The dude behind him is not looking so hot either. Somebody needs to drop some Perfect Pushups into that pit!

Weekly Evil

Here’s a clip of me and some other comics tossing in our two cents about Lost and how it’s evil. And boy is it!

Got up and took a little walk

I actually helped a little old lady cross the street recently. I had always figured that sort of thing for an urban legend started by the Boy Scouts, but no!

A big gust of wind was having its way with her and she started flipping out. "Mister! Mister! Save me!" I walked over and grabbed onto her arm and she said, "Mister, please don't kill me!" I don't have much experience in holding onto people while they plead for me not to kill them, so I let go of her thinking I had misread the situation. But it turns out that was just her weird old lady way of saying don't let go of her because as soon as I did she said, "Why are you trying to kill me?? Get me away from all the cars! I don't wanna die!" I grabbed her arm again and helped her across the street while she yelled at me about how I had tried to kill her. Once I got her on the sidewalk she slapped me on the arm and went along her brittle way.

Since then, I’ve seen her around twice and both times she was on the sidewalk yelling at people. I’ve assisted a monster!

Colonel John Grubb

I'm gearing up for the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. I know almost nothing about horse racing, and yet, I always seem to win money on horse racing. Here’s how I do it!

Race: 2006 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Barbaro to WIN

I bet on Barbaro because of the baseball player Barbaro Garbey. I got his autograph at Wonderland Mall after the Tigers won the World Series in 1984. He wasn’t exactly an integral part of the team, but the lines were too long for Chet Lemon and Alan Trammell. And now you know the rest of the story.



Race: 2007 Kentucky Derby
Bet: Street Sense to WIN

At the time of this race I was in Las Vegas. I picked Street Sense simply because it was the favorite and you’re not allowed to go more than an hour without betting on something. You only have a gambling problem when you lose!


Race: 2007 Belmont Stakes
Bet: Rags to Riches to WIN

I placed a couple small other bets on this race at my local OTB. Now, if you wanted to show someone what a cool person looked like, you would never take them to an OTB because that place is a grimy nut house. But as I walked out, a big black guy was standing by himself, just leaning against a wall and eating a whole bar of Toblerone. He looked at me and said, “Rags to Riches, my brother. Rags to Riches.” I immediately went back in and bet on Rags to Riches to win.


In summary, before placing a bet on a race, you need to ask yourself three questions:

1. Which horse shares a name with a member of the 1984 Detroit Tigers?

2. Which horse is the odds-on favorite?

3. What’s the cool black guy eating candy think?

Pig Pen

Uh-oh, I forgot to do laundry and had to wear mostly dirty clothes to work!

One more thing, one more thing...which way to Beauty Bar??

Anyway. Big time show on Sunday. This one's shaping up to be an old fashioned pitcher's duel:

Roger Hailes
Chris Jurek
Peter Kassnove
Richard Sandling
Mary Van Note

With special guest: You!

Plus, as always, me and Vince Averill.

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (Btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE

Temp to Stuffed

One of my favorite things is called a subsidized cafeteria. I can't tell you how or why they come to be, but the place where I work has one and, well, let me just get straight to bragging about it.

This is what I had for breakfast:

20 oz. Starbucks Coffee
16 oz Tropicana (Some Pulp) Orange Juice
Egg Whites, Spinach, Sausage and Swiss Cheese on Flatbread
Small Cheese Danish

Total Price: $3.65!

Here's what I had for lunch:

Slow Roasted Marlin
Steamed Asparagus
Salad (with Chick Peas, Carrots, Olives, Tomatoes, Black Beans and Blue Cheese Crumbles)
Large Ice Water
Slice of Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

Total Price: $5.50!

Completely insane. I normally consider it a perk if I don't have to clock out to take a leak and at this place I get to eat sit-down restaurant type food for less than I use to pay to force a Subway 6" Garbage and Cheese Turdwich down my throat for the 9,000th time. I feel like a drifter who snuck onto the dining car and no one's noticed him yet! In fact, and this is not a joke, I was in the cafeteria loading up on blue cheese and I overheard a lady say this:

"Stop by later and I can lend you my opera glasses."

Charmed, I'm sure!

That Would Be Fantastic

I just got my tax refund back and rolled it over into Dennis Scott rookie cards.


This'll be the one that finally gets me square!

Reunited and It Feels So Good For Your Butt

Not sure why, but one of my favorite cereals as a kid was always Crunchy Corn Bran. I hadn’t seen it anywhere in years and I figured it had been put out to pasture. So you can imagine how quickly I sprung into action when I spotted some boxes of it at my local grocery store.

Pull up a bowl, old buddy. We’ve got a lot of CRUNCHING up to do!

Straight Latchkey

This Colorado couple, just like so many other parents, is currently trying to decide on whether they should raise their child as a Crip or a West Side Baller. Both perfectly good gangs, and yet, sworn enemies. What to do?? There are no easy answers and it takes a lot of disorderly conduct, harassment and domestic violence charges along the way:

On Saturday, Joseph Manzanares stormed into a video rental store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays and even a computer, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval said.

After he ran out of the store, police were called and the 19-year-old was arrested at his home.

His girlfriend told police that they had been arguing about the upbringing of their son and which gang he should belong to.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised. Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim,'" Sandoval said.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little too pie in the sky on this one, but as long as a child is given food, shelter and a healthy fear of snitching, it shouldn’t matter what gang they claim. And besides, there are a great many benefits to being raised in a mixed-gang household: two initiations, a wider color palette, uhhhhh, more turf? Less? I'm not really sure.

To gangs!