Tell me about the Yankees, George!

Thanks to all the news coverage about the Red Sox jersey buried in Yankee Stadium I’ve learned that curses are very real and the people who help foil them are heroes.

And, coincidentally, this is the picture I see in my head whenever someone mentions the Yankees:



No. 1 Fan ‘Bar’ None

It's like warm picnic table

So. Um. Here's this:

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table.

Price is married with three school-aged children. Neighbors tell us they're now worried about the kids.

Why? Are they picnic tables?

That's been my time, have a good night!

Wherefore art thou, Sloth?

My dingleberry landlords hired a bunch of dumb-dumbs to work on the roof and they promptly busted our Direct TV hookup. This has left me without TV since Thursday. I repeat: I have been without TV since The Day of or Lord Thursday!

This will not do. On Sunday I woke up at 9 AM, put on a pot of coffee and walked to the store. I came home, ate breakfast and read the Post and the Times. Then I cleaned my room. Then I read part of a book. Then I sat on the couch and stared at the wall for a bit and realized it was still only 2:00. I was so bored I almost exercised!

With any luck we can get this fixed so I can get back to watching the Detroit Tigers kick my whole summer right in the nuts.


Jim Leyland, pictured here with 2008

Also

I realize there have been some serious gaps in posting on this thing. I’m sorry. You are never far from my mind, it’s just that sometimes I get busy, you know...LIVING MY LIFE!!

(Jesse flips over THE TABLE and punches YOU)

Just kidding.I will try to work the blog into my everyday routine. Before too long, posting will come as naturally as tying my shoes or walking back to my apartment because I forgot my wallet.

You’ll see!

Scarf Comic

Back in January I did a fun show called 50 First Jokes. I don’t know who taped it, but here’s a clip of the joke I did:



Also, here’s a photograph taken by Maryanne Ventrice:


If you need even more proof that I was there, I’m afraid I can’t help you.

Winning is Nails

If you like the Little Rascals and 1980’s baseball players and me and some of my friends, then you just hit the jackpot!

Rise and Shine

Sometimes it takes me a while to get the old noodle up and running.

Yesterday morning I stopped at the Starbucks by my work. The lady behind the counter asked me for my order and I said, “Pack of Winston Lights.”

And now that I’ve shared a story of me being an idiot, I can feel free to make fun of some people I’ve never met.

I.

NEWCASTLE, England, March 19 (UPI) -- A Newcastle, England, couple said they will always be able to remember their deceased pets by what they left behind -- sweaters knitted from their hair.

Words fail me. All the words. They fail me. “Look, I’m wearing the hair of my dead dog. We’re all still best buddies!” A couple of real cuckoo clocks, these two! Once this story breaks I'm guessing they'll probably get invited to a few less parties. Or, at the very least, once they arrive their coats will be placed on a separate bed. Cool shades, though.

II.



McCartney's ex-wife awarded almost $50 million(CNN)

The judgment included 35,000 pounds ($70,000) a year for the couple's 4-year-old daughter, Beatrice. Mills said she was unhappy with that amount because it isn't enough for school tuition, private security, or first-class airfare.

"He likes her to fly five times a year on holiday," Mills said of McCartney. "It's 17,000 (pounds) for two people return (round-trip) first class, so that's obviously not meant to happen for her anymore. It's very sad."

Wow, that is very sad. Very sad, indeed. The mere thought of a tiny rich child flying coach on vacation has driven me to the brink of a grief-induced madness. jlsfgo9syf%qe#fpffuje!

Hey Heather Mills, the next time you have your eye on some goods and services don’t be shy about dipping into that FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS you just got for humping an old Beatle. You're a big weirdo and your brain probably smells like farts.

Let's Go to The Hop...and have a sad orgy

Congrats to Leonard Cohen on his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That dude shreds! Look at him go!

Dog Shortage Crisis Averted!

Robot as good as real dog at easing lonely hours

The researchers studied 38 nursing home residents who were divided into three groups. One got regular visits from Banks' pet Sparky, another got visits from the AIBO Entertainment Robot, a shiny robot dog formerly made by Sony Corp that used artificial intelligence to interact with its environment and express emotion.

The third group got no visits from either dog.

Now that's what I call here's mud in your eye!

Old Lady: Pardon me, young man, may I visit with either the real dog or the robot dog, too?

Researcher: Sorry Granny, but somebody's gotta be in the control group. Now get back in your room and shut the door!

Old Lady: Please, I'm not long for this world and I'm desperate for companionship...even if it's with a MACHINE!

Researcher: Listen, why do you hate science? Stop trying to look at the dogs!

Pre-Christianity Viking Women Were Sexy Dressers

That's what this article says. Of course longtime pornographer National Geographic is all over this thing and sweet talked some lady into trying on one of the outfits:



Whoa, you can totally see her face and her neck and her hands and the bottoms of her shoes. And for all I know, those legs go all the way up. Va-va-va-viking!

Offbeat Means Hurting Your Face