Malph

Quick, somebody go get the bouncer! Old Man Nader’s trying to be the President again!


"Four score and (hiccup, hiccup)...turn down that jukebox!
What, you think you’re better than me?!"

Room for cream

Sorry, some computer issues have prevented me from adding more to this site's already mounting arsenal. Next week will be different!

Right now I'm at a bodega. I just went to Starbucks. The knock on Starbucks is that it's bland, corporate and other such things like that. But I usually find it to be rather pleasantly filled with crazy people. It's like a fancy bus station (except for the bathrooms, which are exactly like a bus station). I like crazy people because I am a huge fan of gibberish and today I sat next to a guy who unleashed some doozies for the ages. Namely:

This ain't nothin but the Twilight Zone and I'm watchin it. Y'all love chaos. Ya'll done turned to robots! Shit, I'll see you in the future drinkin' coffee. Gonna build me a spaceship and lookout my magic window. Get me a Japanese wife. And she better have money or she's goin back to school!

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Elbow Room

Plop me down into this scene and I'm lasting about five seconds





Or at least coming out looking like this guy



That seals it: I am not moving to Russia. It's off the list!

So feel free to keep tabs on me all weekend:

TONIGHT
Greg Johnson & Larry Murphy Show
8:00
Rififi
332 E 11th St
$5

SATURDAY
RG Daniels’ I Need a Tape
8:00
Karma
51 1st Ave
FREE

SUNDAY
Beauty Bar
9:00
231 E 14th St
FREE

Duhhhh, what’s grape juice taste like? Slurp!

From the Wall Street Journal:

Welch's is taking out full-page print ads in People magazine this month that give readers a chance to sample its grape juice by licking the ad.

Hot Fudge Love

Scrub behind your ears and tuck in that shirt ‘cause it’s Valentine’s Day up in this piece!

And fellas, this ain’t no Sadie Hawkins dance. Women’s Lib be damned -- single chicks on Valentine’s Day are too busy thinking Boo hoo, I guess I have to get my own chocolate to ever make the first move. Here's what you do.

Buy a dozen roses.

Walk into a bar.

Walk up to a girl.

Act like you’re agitated and looking for someone then say,“Excuse me, miss, have you seen my girlfriend? She looks kinda look you except not quite as, you know, hefty.”

Then have your wingman walk over (wearing a stethoscope and holding a clipboard) and say, “This is the hardest part of my job, but your girlfriend just got sick and died.”

Then you say,“What?? Oh no, who am I going to give all these flowers to?”

Boom. You’re in.

Do I really need to explain why this works? Well, let me ask you this: do you want to be able to look people in the eye the next time you brag about being a straight adult male who is not a virgin? Then don't worry and just do what I say!

Hang in There

Lenny Kravitz Almost Quit Music To Become A Farmer

So says this.

I’m assuming by farmer he means "rich guy with a garden that generates no income". Lucky for us, he ultimately decided to continue releasing the same song over and over and over again. Lenny Kravitz, everybody! Twenty years in and he can’t even top the theme song from his mom’s TV show:




Here's a an article about a dog that fell off a six-story parking garage and didn’t croak. I guess you could say he lived to tell the TAIL! Talk about a RUFF day! Sounds like his PARK was worse than his bite! He fell off a GARAGE!

Warm up my virgins

I love the New York Post. It’s like your crazy old friend that only costs twenty-five cents. You know what I’m talking about. Remember that guy? Anyway...

Here are a few of the deep cover hot scoops pulled from yesterday's article about how mobsters got their nicknames:

Tommy Sneakers
“He likes sneakers"

Bobby the Jew
“He looks like a Jew”

Dom from 18th Avenue
“18th Avenue is in his neck of the woods”

Jackie Nose
“He had a big, distorted nose “

Also, there is THIS. I won't even try to pare it down as you need to see the whole thing. Trust me for once in your life!

Y2Rat

Thanks to the cafeteria at my work I rang in the New Year by eating stir fry at my desk just like a real Chinese person would! Plus, yesterday I got in on some of that hot Ash Wednesday salmon they were dishing out.* My tummy truly is a man of the people.

One of my all-time double takes was freshman year of college when the dorm cafeteria commemorated Martin Luther King Day by serving fried chicken and watermelon. I thought it must just be some sort of unfortunate coincidence but there it was right on the board: “Happy Martin Luther King Day Fried Chicken/Watermelon.” Way to be, Central Michigan University in 1996!

Wrapping up: always eat lunch, never be racist.

*My parents stopped making me go to church after my first communion and mass was always at the same time the Little Rascals came on, so my knowledge of Catholicism pretty much stops at "when Christmas presents come" and "the days you aren’t supposed to eat meat." Although, I am aware that Pope John Paul II is an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Conceed Busted

Kwame Kilpatrick is the mayor of Detroit. It’s a very demanding job so he likes to blow off steam by porking chicks and stealing the city's money for himself and his buddies. Whenever someone tries to investigate this he sorta tends to fire them immediately. A perfect plan that could never stop working! Oh wait, what's this?

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is hanging on for his political life after the revelation that, among 14,000 text messages between him and his chief of staff Christine Beatty, there was evidence of an extramarital affair between the pair -- evidence that contradicts his sworn statements in a whistleblower case brought by former police officers that ended in $9 million in damages against the city. (Detroit News)

Zoinks!

Here are some of the better actual published texts:

Kwame Kilpatrick: They were right outside the door. They [the mayor's bodyguards] had to have heard everything...

Christine Beatty: So we are officially busted! LOL

KK: LOL LOL! Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see! LOL. ...

CB: LOL, LOL. Damn, so they have to walk in before you conceed busted! LOL.

KK: Hell yeah. Walk in.

That's seven LOLs over three texts. These geniuses are in charge of running a whole city!

Some of these exchanges are blowing my mind. It’s almost as if they’re going out of their way to incriminate themselves in exact detail.

CB: OK, I'm feeling like I want another night like the most recent Saturday at the Residence Inn!

Why don’t you just start mentioning room numbers while you’re at it?

KK: 6301 or 6302?
CB: Definitely 6302! 6301 has two double beds.

So they didn't want two beds. But maybe they’re still just friends working late.

CB: And, did you miss me, sexually?
KK: Hell yeah! You couldn't tell. I want some more. Don't sleep!

Okay...just because they were having an affair doesn’t mean they also both lied under oath when they denied firing Gary Brown. Right?

Beatty: I'm sorry that we are going through this mess because of a decision that we made to fire Gary Brown. I will make sure that the next decision is much more thought out. Not regretting what was done at all, but thinking about how we can do things smarter.

Kilpatrick: True! It had to happen though. I'm all the way with that!

Nice! Like I said before, geniuses...a whole city...they run one!

If you ask me, there's only one way out of this mess:

VOTE

POLANCO