Fast Money

I’ve put together a little contest. I just read that, in 1979, the Hatfields and McCoys faced off on Family Feud for a whole week and played for cash and a pig, which was kept onstage. So…if anybody out there can give me one good reason to explain why I was never told about this and cannot watch it IMMEDIATELY, then I will calm down and move on with my day. Good luck!

No Blood for Bjork

Uh, turns out Iceland only spends $11 million a year on national defense. We’ve had a rough go of invading countries lately, so I say we knock out an easy one just for kicks. ICE to see you!

Productivity Update

Yesterday I spent about thirty minutes searching for a video clip of a seal playing horns. I did it because I’ve never been sure if horn playing is a thing that seals actually do or if it’s just the province of old cartoons, like say, cats getting pumped up when they find a fish skeleton in the garbage. Anyway, all I found was stuff about the Book of Revelations and Kiss From a Rose and realized that I should probably throw this computer out the window. But cooler heads prevailed and instead I paid iTunes $1.99 and watched Game 3 of the 1984 ALCS. Go Tigers!

I also bring you two things I found in an old notebook from 2006.

First, I wrote down an exchange I had with some jerk lady at the crummiest job I’ve ever had in my whole life. To set this story up you need to know that the office was giving out free flu shots that day, this lady already hated me because I had declined to pitch in for a new microwave and also she had a big sign on her desk that read: I DON’T KNOW THE QUESTION BUT THE ANSWER IS CHOCOLATE.

(Lady walks up to my desk)

Hi, what is your name again?

Jesse.

Well, Jason, I was just wondering if you were going to get a flu shot.

No, thanks.

Why not?

I’ve never had one before.

What do you mean?

I’ve never had a flu shot before.

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why don’t you just get a flu shot?

Because I don’t get the flu.

So...you’re not getting a flu shot?

Nope.

(Storming off)
Well, have fun getting the flu!

Second. These are some things I overheard a bunch of funny old ladies say in a deli during one of my lunch breaks:

I keep my pennies separate so when I need a penny I don't have to dig around in my purse like a crazy person.

Oh, I know!

Look at this. Randy Johnson love child. Who cares?!

Randy Johnson? I don't know from Randy Johnson.

He's a ball player! So what? He throws a ball! Love child. If Joe Schmo has a love child it wouldn't make the FRONT PAGE! Too much money, these ball players!

Did you see Queen Latifah on the television?

Yes, now there's a nice woman!

Does anyone want my extra jelly?

Reload Bonus

I bought a new computer but instead of using it to update my website, I’ve mostly just listened to music, caught up on dumb YouTube clips and cheated until I beat it at chess. But at least I’m not gambling yet!

So, more to come but let’s knock off the rust with a quick rundown

1. Here are some pictures by Mindy Tucker of a fun show I did on Monday. This is me pretending to read from a book as a joke:


Physical comedy! Tonight I’ll pretend to do other things at Coco 66 in Greenpoint at 8pm.

2. Here is a word for word transcript of a voicemail I received the other day:

Ernst. Innocent. AKA: The Big Fish. The La Poissant. The Sure Thing. This message is for James the Carpenter. I'm the Israelite brother you met the other day and I was calling to invite you down to the church. My number is (REDACTED) and I was preaching to you that Jesus Christ was black, the real Jews are black, so call me back when you get this.

Easily one of the greatest wrong numbers of all time and I don't have much else to add.

3. Finally, I’ve never given much thought to what I’d want done with my remains after I die, but I do know it's not this:

Solo in Peace! Tenth Avenue Freeze Out!

Pitch

On the entire planet



There are only 12 surviving veterans of World War I.



Do they still have what it takes?



Find out



This summer



On



THE GREAT BOOTCAMP!!!

"Uhhhhh..."


"Errrrr..."



"Qu'est ce que c'est, Sonny?!"



Hosted by Paul Stanley from KISS!

"This bootcamp is gonna be wild!"





Check your local listings!

President, President Tuxedo

I’m not sure what I’m to do with this information 250 years after the fact and since she was married to George Washington the whole time anyway, but here’s an article: Fresh Look at Martha Washington: Less First Frump, More Foxy Lady:

“He was clearly sexually excited by her," said Patricia Brady, a historian who wrote the first revisionist biography of Martha a few years ago. "When Martha decided to marry George, she didn't marry him just to be a kind stepfather to her two children. He was a hunk, and I think she decided to make herself happy.”

You went, girl!


Also, Tom Daschle withdrew as nominee to be President Obama's health and human services secretary after questions arose over his choice in glasses:


Hope. Change. But No Nerds!