High on The Hog

Things are getting worse every day. Here is a chilling excerpt from Page Six Magazine’s Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies:

Since the financial markets started collapsing back in March, wealthy Prince Charmings, already an endangered species on the nightlife scene, have become almost completely extinct. The handsome ones aren't charming, the charming ones aren't handsome and many of the rich ones are now poor.

Okay, everybody calm down! After I read this I stayed up all night and I think I have a workable plan. First, round up all the wealthy Prince Charmings and fit them with radio collars so we can track them and help ensure their habitat. We can pay the rich ones who are now poor to do it. This will help them get back on their feet. Second, the handsome ones who aren’t charming will be sent to Madison Square Garden for a showing of the first two seasons of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I still have to make some calls, but it’s a tentative yes for Monday, December 1st and those of you who already bought tickets for An Evening With Tina Turner will be given full refunds. Finally, the charming ones who aren’t handsome will talk their way into discounted memberships at Crunch Fitness and bulk pricing for all Axe Body Spray products. Now get out there and go show some chicks a night on the town!

What's this? Hold the phone:

Today even losers can score. According to Ted, "You used to hear women say, 'I'd never date anyone who makes less than $1 million.' You don't hear that anymore. The number is getting lower and lower and lower."

Oh man, add about ten or twelve more lowers to that and I might be in the scoring business. Forget about my earlier plan! Don’t trust the banks! Sell! Sell! SELL!

"When we go out there are usually four guys buying us drinks. Now there is only one," sighs the petite 24-year-old brunette. "Guys just aren't going out as much. Plus, men aren't buying bottle service so there are no tables to invite women back to." The other two nod ruefully.

Why didn't they put a name to this quote? Now I'll never meet my future bride!

In all seriousness, though, you gotta like your chances once you’re the fourth guy buying girls drinks. This is who we had in charge of our money!