Rise and Shine

Sometimes it takes me a while to get the old noodle up and running.

Yesterday morning I stopped at the Starbucks by my work. The lady behind the counter asked me for my order and I said, “Pack of Winston Lights.”

And now that I’ve shared a story of me being an idiot, I can feel free to make fun of some people I’ve never met.

I.

NEWCASTLE, England, March 19 (UPI) -- A Newcastle, England, couple said they will always be able to remember their deceased pets by what they left behind -- sweaters knitted from their hair.

Words fail me. All the words. They fail me. “Look, I’m wearing the hair of my dead dog. We’re all still best buddies!” A couple of real cuckoo clocks, these two! Once this story breaks I'm guessing they'll probably get invited to a few less parties. Or, at the very least, once they arrive their coats will be placed on a separate bed. Cool shades, though.

II.



McCartney's ex-wife awarded almost $50 million(CNN)

The judgment included 35,000 pounds ($70,000) a year for the couple's 4-year-old daughter, Beatrice. Mills said she was unhappy with that amount because it isn't enough for school tuition, private security, or first-class airfare.

"He likes her to fly five times a year on holiday," Mills said of McCartney. "It's 17,000 (pounds) for two people return (round-trip) first class, so that's obviously not meant to happen for her anymore. It's very sad."

Wow, that is very sad. Very sad, indeed. The mere thought of a tiny rich child flying coach on vacation has driven me to the brink of a grief-induced madness. jlsfgo9syf%qe#fpffuje!

Hey Heather Mills, the next time you have your eye on some goods and services don’t be shy about dipping into that FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS you just got for humping an old Beatle. You're a big weirdo and your brain probably smells like farts.