Jesse Popp

Jesse Popp Video Update #7

2011-07-25T00:02:00.001-07:00

Jesse Popp Video Comedy Business Meeting #1

2011-04-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Big News

2011-03-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

My new headshots finally came in!

Global Barking

2011-03-26T14:06:00.001-07:00

From CNN's article Reduce your dog's carbon pawprint:

If you don't have a dog yet or are considering a second pet, you might want to think outside the dog box. According to the Vales, a goldfish is equal to the impact of just two cell phones; two hamsters or four canaries can be compared to a plasma TV; and a cat is only as bad as a Smart Car.

All right, do your part, everybody!

"I'm getting a goldfish. LOSE MY NUMBERS!"

"Ahhhh, see you in hell, four canaries!"

"Honey, come help me unload the groceries!"

Bone Sunday

2011-03-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

In 2007 Vince Averill, John F. O’Donnell and I were contestants on a Game Show Network show called Chain Reaction.

Which brings us to 2011 a few days ago! My friend Sam emailed me that he had found an emailed version of an old blog post he'd written recapping the show back when it first aired.

Here it is:

Hopeless.... Romantic???

Jesse Popp, JFO, and Vince A. were on Chain Reaction last night, following is my review of their performance:

The first 15 minutes the boys looked like they were slaves being forced to appear on a game show. They were losing pretty badly, and they didn't look like they were having fun at all.

Then came the interview portion of the show... they gave a nice shoutout to Michigan, and denied going to New York together for some reason...

There was some nervous talking over eachother about what they'd all do with the money...like buying food, paying some bills and having some drinks...

...this is when John piped in with his dreams about becoming a chocolate fountain mogul. This livened the boys up a little bit, and they all became more confident in the second half of the show.

In round two (or whatever) the boys really took control... they had a great lead and all of the momentum... then came a really unfair part of the game...

Jesse said "I'll take a letter over (whatever the word was)" then almost immediately the buzzer rang... not really any chance to think...

then the OTHER team got like a full minute to look at it while they decided how much to wager, and then where they wanted their letter... it was really weird and unfair...

Long story short,

Vince and John did a pretty good job of, though never having appeared on a game show, looking like game show vets...

Jesse, though having appeared on the biggest most famous game show ever, and having appeared on television doing standup, did a good job of looking as though he had never even had his image captured on any sort of film or video.

And in the end... they lost to girls.

I can vouch for all of this as accurate. It really takes me back! CHAIN REACTION!

Ides on The Prize

2011-03-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Unlike most people, I like to wait until March 15th to start my New Year’s resolutions. You see, by now, all the poor lazy souls have fallen back into their old habits of sitting around on beanbag chairs and eating banana splits for breakfast while their copies of The Easy Way to Stop Smoking collect dust on the mantel. This leaves me with plenty of elbow room to update my website and live life to its fullest! I’m doing calisthenics as I type this!

Well, one thing I am actually working on today is sorting through some of my joke paperwork:

I'm afraid I can't quite remember what a lot of it even means. I found one sheet of paper, wondered why I would ever call something "Awesome Act/Discreetly Mine", then realized it was just an old Kentucky Derby bet.

We do what we can!

Getting Things Done

2010-11-22T15:10:00.000-08:00

I cleaned my room today and went through the last of the stuff I had in storage over the summer.

Sometimes I look back on all of the important things that I've lost or accidentally thrown in the garbage over the years (keys, wallets, money, checks, plane tickets, social security cards, birth certificates, notebooks, etc) and then I think, "Well, at least I managed to hold onto this big pile of old broken cell phones and tape recorders plus all of their manuals."

Everybody's good at something!

And, speaking of old gadgets, I found this doozy in an issue of Sporting News from 1993 that I still have (also for a good reason, I'm sure). The jokes are all self-evident so just think of me as the guy who walked to Kinko's and scanned it:

Working Style

2010-10-18T11:03:00.002-07:00

Excerpt from The Washington Post:

Those with a desk job, please stand up

Some people can't stand working. Mark Ramirez works standing.

He is not a waiter or factory worker -- he is a team leader at AOL. Ramirez could, if he wanted, curl into the cushiest leather chair in the Staples catalog. No, thanks. He prefers to stand most of the day at a desk raised to above stomach level.

"I've got my knees bent, I feel totally alive," Ramirez said.

Whoa! Hey Boss, can I stay late tonight? And come in on the weekend, too!? I mean, think of all those years Ponce de Leon spent in the wilds of Florida looking for the Fountain of Youth when turns out it was just STANDING UP AT WORK the whole time! Talk about a paradigm shift! Give my lunch break to charity, I've got some teamwork to do!!!

Icebreaker

2010-10-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

"Soooooo...you like websites, huh?"

Pooch

2010-09-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Good grief. I just got online to update this thing and somehow accidentally deleted everything but the blog posts. Whoops!

My 89 year old grandpa has a machine that hooks up to his telephone line. He can use it to receive up to three emails a day, which he prints out and puts in a three ring binder. Then he replies by writing a letter and sending it through the US Mail. I'm starting to think he might be on to something!

Well, anyway, here are some things to chew on while I try to figure out computers*.

An interview I did over at The Comic's Comic.

Jesse Popp Video Update #6:

A couple stand-up clips:

And here's a funny Whitest Kids U Know sketch I have a quick line in, dressed up as the fuzz with Greg Johnson:

And remember:

Beauty Bar Comedy Show
231 E 14th St
9:00
FREE
Every Sunday with me and Vince Averill. Plus this week we have Rob Cantrell, Matt Goldich, Ben Kissel, Dave Rosinsky and Julia Segal.

Good luck!

*UPDATE: I think I sort of fixed it. Who knows. Stay tuned!

Celebrity Chef or Professional Poker Player?

2010-07-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

Take your best shot and scroll over the boxes for the answers.

Celebrity Chef

Professional Poker Player

Celebrity Chef

Professional Poker Player

Celebrity Chef

Professional Poker Player

Celebrity Chef

How did you do? Good job!

Video Update #3-5!

2010-07-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Video Update #2

2010-06-27T10:27:00.001-07:00

Video Update #1

2010-06-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Blake

2010-03-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

I feel confident that I may have just stumbled upon the weirdest video on YouTube. I give you "Little Boy Lost" by William Blake recited by Snowie Diddums Poem animation:

Technology gone too far!

This one, however, is pretty hilarious. Just in case you didn't already know that William Burroughs was out of his mind:

Bombshell

2010-02-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Get a load of this: Carly Simon ends You’re So Vain riddle

It seems that, after 38 years, Carly Simon finally revealed to the world that her hit song You’re So Vain was about producer David Geffen.

(I wonder if Dick Ebersol is now regretting dropping $50,000 at a 2003 auction to have her tell him that in secret.)

Well, anyway, now that that’s been solved, I just hope we’ll one day learn the name of the man who sold ice cream to Chicago on that fateful Saturday in the park. Also, Paul Simon only ever mentions five ways to leave your lover…what are the other 45? Paul Simon, if you’re reading this, what are the other 45 ways to leave your lover?!

What About Joan?

2010-02-16T17:27:00.001-08:00

I found this again recently and figured I should post it. Here's the fake check they give you as a souvenir after you crap out on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

I know it's fake because I've been trying to cash it for almost nine years! One of these days...

On a Stick

2010-02-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Presidents Day! Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a real cut up? Here's an excerpt from Lincoln's Humor: An Analysis By Benjamin P. Thomas

His humor had a general appeal. Not only the circuit lawyers and the Western villagers and farmers, but even urbane Easterners readily succumbed to it...Van Buren related several amusing incidents of New York politics, while others told tales of early life on the frontier. But all yielded at last to Lincoln, who kept them in an uproar far into the night with a seemingly inexhaustible supply of yarns, until Van Buren insisted that "his sides were sore with laughing."

Much of Lincoln's success as a story-teller was due to a talent for mimicry. "In the rôle of story-teller," said T. G. Onstot, son of the New Salem cooper, "I never knew his equal. His power of mimicry was very great. He could perfectly mimic a Dutchman, Irishman or Negro."

And here's a rare photgraph from one of his performances:

Well, it was a long road to that joke, but here we are!

Porky Pig! Pooh pooh!

2010-02-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

Valentine

2010-02-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Glamour magazine asked me to chip in on a blog post about Valentine's Day. If your wondering why they would ask me, it's probably because I'm so glamorous. If you actually knew me, you would already know that!

Here's something else:

LONDON (Reuters) – Hundreds of British men are risking a Valentine's Day anticlimax for their partners by stocking up on anatomy-boosting underpants ahead of the most romantic weekend of the year.

British department store group Debenhams said Thursday it had seen a 76 percent surge in online sales of the 18 pounds-a-pair ($28) underwear in the past week.

This is my impression of those guys checking their mailbox on that fateful day: "Bill, bill, junk, bill, anatomy-boosting underpants, bill...wait, wha? They're here!"

Good luck, fellas!

PTP

2010-02-08T11:41:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid my favorite board game was called Pursue The Pennant. Here's a picture of it:

Sweet Baby, look at all those charts!

I got this game when I was 10 and for a good couple years played it almost constantly and usually by myself since most people tended to find it extremely boring. I'd ask my friends if they wanted to play and they'd look at me like I just asked them to do homework and go to Sunday school and mow the lawn all in a row. This boggled my mind. Don't you like baseball? Don't you want to "call the shots"? Don't you like CHARTS?!?!

Even the website where I found that picture doesn't have my back:

A full 9-inning game takes about 45 minutes to an hour to play. The game can be played head-to-head or solitaire. However, due to the in-depth nature of the games, solitaire play is not all that fun.

Oh, look who's Mr. Cool all of a sudden! "I mean, yeah, I made a website in honor of a 20-plus year old board game for dorks, but, you know, it's not like I play it by myself or anything. I only play it head-to-head with supermodels."

Not likely. Your butt smells!

Those who can

2010-02-08T11:19:00.001-08:00

Whenever somebody turns 100 or 112 or some other crazy number, the news always asks them about their secret to longevity. A quick Google search yielded these:

Cornmeal mush

A comfortable life with servants

Men and chocolate

No sex

Crispy bacon

Lots of vegetables

Being cheerful

Nothing special

Drink and smoke everyday

Never drink

There you go. Get cracking!

Prop

2010-02-07T12:18:00.001-08:00

A lot of potential action on this Super Bowl:

If Pete Townshend loses his mind and smashes his guitar on one human fan, today could be your lucky day!

Digs

2010-02-05T15:30:00.001-08:00

Right now I’m at a hotel in Boston. I have a show for the Magners Comedy Festival in a couple hours.

Magners is an Irish cider. I'm not sure if I've ever had it before, but its makers certainly have great taste in the comedians they let loaf around in a fancy hotel room for free, though. So thanks, Magners! Drink Magners!

Anyway, I still have to sit in all these chairs and play with the room safe before showtime. Wish me luck!

Layover

2010-02-02T08:38:00.001-08:00

From Popular Mechanics: How to Fall 35,000 Feet—And Survive

It's a 2,000+ word article, but here's what I think is probably the most helpful tip:

You might also consider flying with a pair of goggles in your pocket.

Bee News

2010-02-01T13:13:00.001-08:00

I saw this today: Bees Can Recognize Human Faces.

So, the next time you encounter a young child swarmed by bees, just put them on your knee and say, “It's okay, sweetie. They're more afraid of you than you are of them because of your jerk face.”

Raise them up with science!

All Groundhogs Eve

2010-02-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

After months of searching I think I finally have that job lead I’ve been looking for. Yes, today I received an email with this subject line:

YouHotJobsResumeWeAtacchfilewithJobDeScription

I think this is probably from a Fortune 500 company. I heard Steve Jobs has been ill, maybe he wants me take over as the new CEO of Apple? Well, only one way to find out, so I'll just click on the delete button right here and then...whooops!

I snagged a free copy of this week’s L Magazine to flip through while I rode the train yesterday. I've mentioned betting on horses before, so you can imagine my shock when I came upon this excerpt from an article called 25 Cheap Things To Do in NYC:

7. Our favorite OTB is the one on Graham Avenue just before Metropolitan (333 Graham Ave.), because it's always filled with people who make us feel ok about our shaking hands. Remember, the Straight Bet is only two bucks and pays almost double.

That OTB closed back in 2008! It’s a Thai restaurant now! And I'm not even sure where to start with "the Straight Bet is only two bucks and pays almost double."

In conclusion, it’s clear to me now that L Magazine does not currently have any degenerate gamblers on their editorial staff, which casts some serious doubts upon their Cheap Things To Do credentials. Reader beware!

Lady Gaga After The Dentist

2010-01-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

So far this site has only had five visitors in January and one of them was someone who Googled “Harry Nilsson allergies.”

I can't help but feel that this lack of traffic is at least partially due to me not posting much of anything for the last year or so. The rest is everybody else's fault. Way to go!

Anyway, I changed a few things around and added a couple doodads. And I figure the title of this post alone will get me a few million hits right off the bat. Yes, 2010 is looking up, so stay tuned and never leave your computer's side!

Kabin

2009-12-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

Here's a clip from a set I did back in 2007. It took me this long to get it online because I've only had the DVD in my room since about January 2008. So, look for a clip of new jokes some time in the next decade!

Because He's Not Good At Sports But You Make Him Play Them Anyway

2009-11-04T09:05:00.001-08:00

(via Amazon)

20/20

2009-11-04T08:54:00.001-08:00

We've all wanted to skip out on work before, but this Colorado Blockbuster employee wanted it more than you could ever know:

Man says he stabbed himself because he didn't want to work

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people - skinheads or Hispanic males - confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

Yes, skinheads or Hispanc males. Definitely one of those two. But, also, I mean, maybe they were either The Yakuza or black guys. It all happened so fast! Anyway, if you could just cover my shift and then never ask me about this again, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!

Paranormal

2009-11-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

Here's a thing from the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon blog with a bunch of NY comics. I show up briefly to do a poor job of pretending to be scared but a good job of actually eating free popcorn. Also, finally, recorded evidence of Peter Kassnove sitting on my lap! Enjoy!

Nilsson v. Bunch

2009-11-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Am I crazy or does Harry Nilsson's Driving Along and The Brady Bunch's Good Time Music almost sound like the same song?

Either way, at least I've maintained my streak of never once wasting time on the internet!

Get your ass to Mars

2009-11-03T14:56:00.001-08:00

Laying the groundwork for a possible mission to Mars, The European Space Agency is looking for volunteers to lock up for 520 days right here on Earth and see if they go crazy.

Unfortunately, according to the application, I am ineligible for a few minor reasons (over 185cm tall, a smoker, not a resident of Europe or Canada, lack of fluency in Russian, no background or relevant work experience in medicine, biology, lifesupport systems engineering, computer engineering, electronic engineering or mechanical engineering). Otherwise, I'd be all over this. So close!

But don't let me stop you. If you read this blog and happen to be a foreign born health nut bilingual scientist with no real prospects for 2010-2012, go fill out the forms and take your best shot at pretend outer space jail!

Artisan Loaf

2009-09-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

My search for free wi-fi has reached its end and I'm coming to you live from a Panera Bread in Dearborn, Michigan!

It's a little strange that they have a firewall here. It's blocking a bunch of sites that aren't even dirty. Is this strip mall on Chinese soil? Is Panera Bread in league with the New World Order? All I know is someone's trying to be the boss of me and I don't care for it!

Anyway, my battery's dying, so a few quick things:

Thanks to everyone who came to the shows on Saturday. Unfortunately, I was blown out with allergies. After the shows, everybody went to a bar down the street while I slept in the car. That is no way to live.

Did I really hear on the news that the FBI is digging for Jimmy Hoffa again? Hoffa's been legally dead since 1982, and the feds are about 0 for 20 looking for him, so I think this must be a hazing ritual for rookie agents. You know, make them fly down to Detroit and work the bulldozer in an old tireyard for a few days before they let them off the hook.

I'm trying to stuff my face at all the junkfood places that are not in New York. So far I've had Steak 'n Shake and Olga's. I still have eyes for Del Taco, A&W and Dairy Queen, but I don't think Arby's will make the cut. I'm not a monster!

I was going through some boxes in my old bedroom and found a VHS tape of a little league all-star game I played in back in 1988 that aired on public access. I forgot all about this game so I laughed when it took me about 20 seconds to strike out in my only at bat. I must have blocked it out. This is the verbatim play by play by the announcer:

Up steps Jesse Popp to the plate. Strike one.

And...he swung at that one even though it was high.

And he strikes out. Jesse is a fan of baseball, basketball and football.

Yes! Future #1 Draft Pick!

Okay, I'm packing up. Good luck!

September Call-Ups

2009-09-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody. I haven't updated this blog since June? Whoops!

To be fair, I've been posting on Twitter and Facebook and talking at shows, so it's not like I'm some kind of a crazy jerk. But I can only keep track of so many things at the same time, usually about two or three. Four if it's for charity or I'm not drunk.

Besides, I've been very busy being unemployed. I spent years fantasizing about all the things I could accomplish if I just didn't have to go to work everyday and now I'm finally doing it! Let's look at some of the things I've already done this week:

Ate peanut butter for breakfast!

Emailed resumes!

Went jogging and accidentally kicked a dead rat on the sidewalk!

Watched cable television!

Walked to the laundromat to pick up my laundry but the lady behind the counter said, "Not ready! Not ready!" so I said, "Okay" and walked back to my apartment!

Took some newspapers from last week and threw 'em right into the ol' garbage pail!

So, you can see what I mean.

But let's get the ball rolling...

First, if you find yourself in Michigan this Saturday, I stress that you should attend this comedy show:

Riverside Arts Center
Kenny Zimlinghaus and Friends

Saturday 7:30 and 9:30
$12

Kenny Zimlinghaus
Vince Averill
Greg Johnson
Jesse Popp

Tickets available at the door or in advance at Brown Paper Tickets.

Most of us did a show at the same venue back in January and it was good fun. I'll see you there!

Second, here are a couple videos. I'm only in this one for a quick second but it's funny and features Gabe Delahaye, Max Silvestri, Larry Murphy, Patrick Borelli and Jenny Slate:

And this is a video of my set at Cassidy Henehan's roast. He recently moved back to New Orleans, I believe to try out for the Saints. Not sure yet if he made the final cut. Anyway, hope you like jokes about my friends!

Well, that about gets us square. See you in December!

The Heart Punch Kills!

2009-06-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

So, I got interviewed in the New York Times, if you can believe that. It's for a weekly series called One in 8 Million, which is definitely worth checking out just in general. Do it!

It should also be noted that I don't have Sirius, but if you do, check out Guys Uncensored on Cosmo Radio. It's hosted by Kenny Zimlinghaus and I've been on a few times with Greg Johnson and Peter Kassnove. It's fun and they give me free coffee and orange juice and pretzel sticks. That's how uncensored I am.

And be sure to come out to Beauty Bar this Sunday. Vince Averill and I, as always, plus all these funny comedians:

Katina Corrao
Hari Kondabolu
Morgan Murphy
MC Mr Napkins
Barry Rothbart

Beauty Bar
231 E 14th St (btwn 2nd and 3rd Ave)
9:00
FREE

(via Matt McCarthy)

Letter

2009-06-18T12:13:00.001-07:00

I read part of this at a show in January and just found it again. Here you go!

Dear Jesse Popp,

My name is Michael Bloomberg. I am the mayor of New York City. The best part of being a mayor is making up new laws!

We have a lot new laws in the works right now, in fact, so I am asking you and other celebrities to read this letter out loud as part of a campaign to let all New Yorkers know about the neat stuff they can look forward to in 2009.

No Sweets Before Dinner Act

For far too long, our health care system and local businesses have bore the burden of spoiled appetites. That is why from 4:00 to 7:00 pm, residents will no longer be able to purchase any food or foodstuff which derives more than 27% of its calories from sugar, high fructose corn syrup or other simple carbohydrates. If and when you clean your plate, you will be given a voucher redeemable for either a piece of fruit or two small to medium sized reduced fat cookies.

Swear Jars

By 2011, 3,000 green friendly swear jars will be installed on street corners throughout the city. All proceeds go directly to the New York Yankees.

Dirty Movie Tax

A 9% sales tax will be added to all R and NC17 rated movies to fund the security and upkeep of the city's swear jars. Any surplus revenues will be earmarked as cab fare home for Derek Jeter's one night stands.

Subway Changes

Decades of bureaucratic malfeasance have brought hard times upon the Metro Transit Authority. Therefore, train service will be cut in half, fares will be doubled, and MTA employees will be required to yell at you within three seconds of asking them a question down from the previous five seconds.

Tax Tax

All that comes with the collection and spending of the increase in taxes on almost everything has revealed some major weaknesses in our infrastructure. To alleviate this, there is now a four percent tax on all taxes. For example, when you purchase a non-diet soda pop (legally, between 7:01pm and 3:59pm the following day), you will pay the 4% state sales tax, the 4% city sales tax, the %0.375 Metro Transit Authority tax, the 8% non-diet soda pop tax and the 4% tax tax...tax.

Public Restroom Freeze

Construction on new public restrooms will be halted immediately. The few currently existing public restrooms will be locked and camouflaged. I just think it's funny when people shit their pants.

Best Regards,
Mayor Michael Bloomberg

On the Dole

2009-06-18T09:52:00.001-07:00

Let's check the news:

NASA aims for unmanned moon rocket launch Thursday

I guess that means I didn't get the job.

Fla. city to workers: Wear underwear, deodorant

Jesse Popp to Fla. city: I have extensive experience in wearing underwear, deodorant and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Jobless Taiwan man steals just for free prison lunch

Well, I'm not quite there yet. Talk to me when this box of Quaker Oatmeal to Go Breakfast Bars is gone. And I have some cans of sardines in the cupboard. I'll probably crack into those before I send myself to prison. Hell, I might even just go grocery shopping. We'll see!

Those are all jokes about how I've been unemployed for three months. Get it??

Dr. Cat

2009-06-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

There’s a neat set of photos up on Flickr of the movie theater I worked at back in Michigan when I was still just a lousy teenager. It’s been closed up for a number of years and set to be demolished in favor of a fitness center even though I believe there’s already a fitness center nobody goes to right down the street.

My favorite part might be the stark contrast between the women’s and men’s bathrooms.

Ripoff. We should've unionized!

In my day

2009-06-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

A curious intro to this Vanity Fair Article:

Splendor in the Grit
If New York City were to slide back into the crumbling anarchy of the 1970s, as some fear, would that be so bad? The author recalls a time when artists’ lofts were inhabited by actual artists, every subway car held potential drama, and legends–Lennon, Warhol, Garbo–walked the streets.

Technically, John Lennon didn't get murdered walking the streets of New York until 1980, so I guess he has a point. The only thousands of people who got shot in the 1970's weren't even in The Beatles!

And we all know how tourists are worse than crime:

One key difference between the 70s and today is that in the 70s the tourists looked scared. Getting back to the hotel alive was one of the main items on their checklists. Now they beam as if they find everything on display cute and flaunt their bulging shopping bags like hunting trophies, their Midtown experience confirming all of their Carrie Bradshaw expectations. In the 70s, there was a much sharper divide between Us (the battle-hardened veterans who knew the best places to brunch) and Everybody Else.

Whoa, check out the tough with all the brunch smarts! "Grab your switchblade and follow me...I know a joint with 2 for 1 mimosas!"

Ding-A-Ling

2009-06-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

It should be noted that I guess I'm on Twitter now until whatever the next thing you need to do comes along and then I'll have to get on that for a while, too. Check it out!

Also, you can listen to me talk on a couple of recent podcasts:

Jumping for Joy w/Zachary Sims and Mark Normand

The Comedy Nerds w/ Dustin D'Addato and McInerney

So, a guy in the building next to my apartment called my landlord yesterday to complain about how he can see an ashtray on my windowsill. It's technically a roughly 6" tall flower pot, but anyway, here's an excerpt of the message from my landlord:

There is a large ashes tray on a window where if it falls the cigarettes butts would fall into the next door rear yard.

Let's take a look at this doomsday scenario:

I can only imagine the three years worth of other things on this block that drove him crazy before he finally got to that. Total fartface!

Swerve

2009-06-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

If you browse the side jobs on Craigslist, you’ll notice there are usually people looking for dealers at their private poker games. And then you might think, “Really? Huh, I’ve played lots of private poker games and never had to hire someone to deal.” But it all makes sense once you read one of the ads:

Seeking an attractive young lady who will deal cards in only bikini bottoms this Sunday for a small poker game.

Knowledge of how to play poker is a plus but not a must.

Please respond with a picture.

$50/hr for approximately 4 hours

That reminds me, I need a half-naked woman to help me and some other strange men move a piano. Please send me your picture. You don’t need to know what a piano is. $$$$$!

If you wait another day

2009-06-02T11:16:00.001-07:00

Well, two months with no posts. I'm sorry, but I've been very busy lately:

Whoops! Don't worry, tomorrow it begins anew and we'll be back together. Just me and you, internet.

Slate

2009-03-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

Here are some things I'll be performing at this month. You should try to attend or at least reread the list occasionally and know that I do indeed have cause to leave my apartment sometimes. All shows are free and in Manhattan unless otherwise noted.

Tonight
Comedy Night @ The Chelsea Market
8:00
75 9th Ave

Wednesday April 1st
Big Terrific @ Cameo
8:00
93 N 6th St, Brooklyn

Monday April 6th
Comedy Central @ Crash Mansion
8:00
199 Bowery
$5

Sunday April 12th
Beauty Bar Comedy Show
9:00
231 E 14th St.

Sunday April 19th
Beauty Bar Comedy Show
9:00
231 E 14th St.

Wednesday April 22nd
Totally JK @ UCB
8:00
307 W. 26th St
$5

Sunday April 26th
Sunday Night Stand Up @ Three of Cups
8:00
83 1st Ave

Beauty Bar Comedy Show
9:00
231 E 14th St.

Finally, this is a picture of my sister's huge dog wearing a hat:

Kayfabe

2009-03-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

No posts for awhile. Sorry, I went to the top of the Empire State Building and fell down the stairs. It took me 29 days!

Here's a show you should go to on Sunday:

1st Annual All-Cities Comedy Tournament Semifinals
Team Detroit vs. Team Providence
Sunday
7:00 PM
Fontana's
105 Eldridge St. btwn Broome and Grand

Team Detroit: Vince Averill, Jesse Popp, Brent Sullivan
Team Providence: Ross Hyzer, Matt McCarthy, Max Silvestri

The other day, Vince and I tried our best to make nice and hang out with Team Providence's Matt McCarthy, but before too long, things got a little heated:

Will anyone make it out of this in one piece??

Find out at 9:00 later that night as we welcome these comics to the Beauty Bar Comedy Show:

Mike Drucker
Ross Hyzer
John Knefel
Jon Lang

Beauty Bar
9:00
FREE
231 E 14th St.

Start making the appropriate arrangements!

Fast Money

2009-02-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve put together a little contest. I just read that, in 1979, the Hatfields and McCoys faced off on Family Feud for a whole week and played for cash and a pig, which was kept onstage. So…if anybody out there can give me one good reason to explain why I was never told about this and cannot watch it IMMEDIATELY, then I will calm down and move on with my day. Good luck!

No Blood for Bjork

2009-02-26T08:42:00.001-08:00

Uh, turns out Iceland only spends $11 million a year on national defense. We’ve had a rough go of invading countries lately, so I say we knock out an easy one just for kicks. ICE to see you!

Productivity Update

2009-02-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent about thirty minutes searching for a video clip of a seal playing horns. I did it because I’ve never been sure if horn playing is a thing that seals actually do or if it’s just the province of old cartoons, like say, cats getting pumped up when they find a fish skeleton in the garbage. Anyway, all I found was stuff about the Book of Revelations and Kiss From a Rose and realized that I should probably throw this computer out the window. But cooler heads prevailed and instead I paid iTunes $1.99 and watched Game 3 of the 1984 ALCS. Go Tigers!

I also bring you two things I found in an old notebook from 2006.

First, I wrote down an exchange I had with some jerk lady at the crummiest job I’ve ever had in my whole life. To set this story up you need to know that the office was giving out free flu shots that day, this lady already hated me because I had declined to pitch in for a new microwave and also she had a big sign on her desk that read: I DON’T KNOW THE QUESTION BUT THE ANSWER IS CHOCOLATE.

(Lady walks up to my desk)

Hi, what is your name again?

Jesse.

Well, Jason, I was just wondering if you were going to get a flu shot.

No, thanks.

Why not?

I’ve never had one before.

What do you mean?

I’ve never had a flu shot before.

That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why don’t you just get a flu shot?

Because I don’t get the flu.

So...you’re not getting a flu shot?

Nope.

(Storming off)
Well, have fun getting the flu!

Second. These are some things I overheard a bunch of funny old ladies say in a deli during one of my lunch breaks:

I keep my pennies separate so when I need a penny I don't have to dig around in my purse like a crazy person.

Oh, I know!

Look at this. Randy Johnson love child. Who cares?!

Randy Johnson? I don't know from Randy Johnson.

He's a ball player! So what? He throws a ball! Love child. If Joe Schmo has a love child it wouldn't make the FRONT PAGE! Too much money, these ball players!

Did you see Queen Latifah on the television?

Yes, now there's a nice woman!

Does anyone want my extra jelly?

Reload Bonus

2009-02-20T13:54:00.000-08:00

I bought a new computer but instead of using it to update my website, I’ve mostly just listened to music, caught up on dumb YouTube clips and cheated until I beat it at chess. But at least I’m not gambling yet!

So, more to come but let’s knock off the rust with a quick rundown

1. Here are some pictures by Mindy Tucker of a fun show I did on Monday. This is me pretending to read from a book as a joke:

Physical comedy! Tonight I’ll pretend to do other things at Coco 66 in Greenpoint at 8pm.

2. Here is a word for word transcript of a voicemail I received the other day:

Ernst. Innocent. AKA: The Big Fish. The La Poissant. The Sure Thing. This message is for James the Carpenter. I'm the Israelite brother you met the other day and I was calling to invite you down to the church. My number is (REDACTED) and I was preaching to you that Jesus Christ was black, the real Jews are black, so call me back when you get this.

Easily one of the greatest wrong numbers of all time and I don't have much else to add.

3. Finally, I’ve never given much thought to what I’d want done with my remains after I die, but I do know it's not this:

Solo in Peace! Tenth Avenue Freeze Out!

Pitch

2009-02-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

On the entire planet

There are only 12 surviving veterans of World War I.

Do they still have what it takes?

Find out

This summer

On

THE GREAT BOOTCAMP!!!

"Uhhhhh..."

"Errrrr..."

"Qu'est ce que c'est, Sonny?!"

Hosted by Paul Stanley from KISS!

"This bootcamp is gonna be wild!"

Check your local listings!

President, President Tuxedo

2009-02-03T11:40:00.001-08:00

I’m not sure what I’m to do with this information 250 years after the fact and since she was married to George Washington the whole time anyway, but here’s an article: Fresh Look at Martha Washington: Less First Frump, More Foxy Lady:

“He was clearly sexually excited by her," said Patricia Brady, a historian who wrote the first revisionist biography of Martha a few years ago. "When Martha decided to marry George, she didn't marry him just to be a kind stepfather to her two children. He was a hunk, and I think she decided to make herself happy.”

You went, girl!

Also, Tom Daschle withdrew as nominee to be President Obama's health and human services secretary after questions arose over his choice in glasses:

Hope. Change. But No Nerds!

Dornfield

2009-01-30T13:14:00.001-08:00

This site has a whole bunch of playbills and ads from old timey comedians that are definitely worth a look. The one below is indisputable. Dornfield!

Tap Room

2009-01-30T09:55:00.001-08:00

Huh, January’s a little light on posts. Who’s in charge here?!

Sorry, I’ve been busy. And out of town. And so on and so forth. Let me know when I hit a good excuse...

First off, thanks to everyone who attended or helped out with the shows in Ypsilianti. The shows were great fun as was hanging out with everybody and stuffing my face with all manner of cheap food and drinks. Michigan, your cost of living is music to my ears.

A few other quick notes about the trip back home:

Right off the bat, the airport brought an early frontrunner for quote of the year. A security guard yelling at people in line at the gate: “Okay folks, it’s not rocket scientist!”

Over the course of the week, I played with five dogs, three goats and one donkey! I tried to hang out with my mom's cat, but even after 15 years, our relationship is cordial at best. My mom says it's because I walk too fast and it scares him. I don’t buy this for one second! To hear her tell it, everything is because I either walk too fast or don't cook myself enough nice dinners. I don't see why she even takes his side because one morning when I was there he took a whiz in her purse. But anyway, my mom gave me the Little Rascals Complete Collection (eight DVDs!) for Christmas, so the cat can think whatever he wants. I’m the real winner!

I went to the bowling alley with my dad, stepmom and sister one night. There sure were some surly old bats at that place. These were not ladies who bowl because they watched The Big Lebowski ten times, they bowl because it’s the one night a week they can get away from the house to drink and throw stuff at other stuff and act like it’s the main event of WrestleMania. They even had my family’s lane turned off mid-game because it was distracting them. Too bad they still only bowled about 125 each. Ladies, you can’t be all business until you’re cracking 200!

Another difference between Michigan and New York: In Michigan it makes the news when Danny Glover is in town. We love our Predator 2!

Finally, I am not normally afraid of flying, but on the return flight to New York I realized I was way up in the sky reading an article about the 50th anniversary of Buddy Holly's plane crash and suddenly felt a MAJOR jinx brewing. It was touch and go there for a minute, but I forced myself to buckle down, finish the article and triumph over the voodoo caveman parts of my brain. For once!

Okay, more posts in a bit. Go get some fresh air and come back later!

Higher!

2009-01-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

This is a statue of Vladimir Lenin on the roof of a building in Manhattan:

Not sure why it’s even there, because whenever I pass it, it just makes me think of the scene in Three Amigos! that’s 7:00 into this clip:

Anything that makes me think of Three Amigos! can't be all bad. Here's to the Red Terror!

Rebranding

2009-01-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

I came across some interesting information on the stats page for this site:

70.3% of all visits lasted less than five seconds.

20.3% of all visits lasted longer than an hour.

I think this means that most of you aren’t even giving me a chance and the ones who did fell asleep at their computers!

I’ll try to remedy that in 2009. First up, here’s a sneak peek at my new character, The Lady at My Work Who Always Takes Ten Minutes at the Salad Bar and Talks to Herself the Whole Time:

“Hmmmm, do I want tuna? Let’s seeeeeeee...oooh, tomatoes...”

Thank you very much!

Quoth

2008-12-29T12:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up on Christmas morning and saw a crow flopping around in the ashtray outside on my window sill. He looked right at me and flew away.

Then I went to see The Wrestler and ate Chinese food.

Nuts to you, death omen!

You should know that I am not in the espionage business, and yet, this is the error message I got on my computer at work after being prompted to change my password this morning:

The password supplied does not meet minimum complexity requirements. Please select another password that meets all of the following criteria: is at least seven characters; has not been used in the 12 previous passwords; must not have been changed in the last seven days; does not contain your account or name; contains at least three of the following four character groups: English uppercase characters (A through Z); English lowercase characters (a through z); non-alphabetic characters (such as !, $, #, %).

And with that, my new password is written on a post-it note on my desk.

Speaking of work and death and espionage, I was thinking that if I had interns, I'd make them watch the first six seasons of 24 to count how many bad guys Jack Bauer has killed. I feel like that'd be a great figure to toss around at cocktail parties. "Pretty good cheese plate, huh? So far Jack Bauer's killed 276 people."

Of course, rather than simply dividing up the DVDs amongst my staff, I'd have each person watch the whole series separately and then make sure their totals matched the others to prevent them from just pulling a random number out of their ass. I'm always one step ahead of my scheming hypothetical interns!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T09:35:00.001-08:00

Wish List

2008-12-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

Hey, procrastinators! there are still a lot of great bargains over at Amazon. Check it out:

Poet's Market, 1989 (Hardcover)
16 used from $0.38

Y2K -- It's Already Too Late (Paperback)
18 used from $0.01

The Wit and Wisdom of Ross Perot: Over 100 Quotes and Anecdotes from the Man Who Could Be Our Next President (Paperback)
18 Used & new from $0.01

Scroll over the box below to see the secret behind the joke I just made:

Those are old, crummy books nobody would ever want. That's why they're so cheap. They're not actually bargains at all!

Do the Do

2008-12-22T12:45:00.000-08:00

I went for a walk through Central Park yesterday. I found myself a hot commodity for strangers who needed someone to take a picture of them and their brood standing in front of stuff. And while I appreciate getting sized up as a guy who probably won’t run off with your camera, it’s still a little stressful. One, it’s not like I’ve never dropped anything expensive before. Two, long gone are the days when you had to leave a roll of film at the drug store before you found out I stink at taking pictures. In those days I could've made a clean getaway!

In sports news, Dock Ellis passed away over the weekend. He is most well known for throwing a no-hitter while high on LSD, but he also let loose one of the better quotes in baseball history:

Cincinnati will bullshit with us and kick our ass and laugh at us. They’re the only team that talk about us like a dog. Whenever we play that team, everybody socializes with them. When they ran over to us, we knew they were afraid of us. When I saw our team doing it, right then I say, ‘We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I’m going to hit these motherfuckers.

Then he went out to the mound and hit Pete Rose with the first pitch. You can read the rest here. Point is, Dock Ellis was good old fashioned nuts. Godspeed!

The Bourne Reminder

2008-12-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

I always see The Bourne novels prominently displayed at bookstores but I’ve yet to try one. The movies were pretty fun, but I have to assume they aren’t faithful adaptations as I’m not sure how 80% fights and chases would read:

Then Jason Bourne bashed the guy in the head with a book that he found on the floor and pressed the book against the guy’s face and started punching the book! But then the other guy did this somersault kick thing and it was hard to tell what they were doing but – wait—now they’re in the bathroom. The guy’s got a knife but Jason Bourne just picked up a towel…I think he’s fighting back with a towel! Did the government actually train him to fight back against a knife with a towel? That’s what Jason Bourne is still trying to find out.

“Where’s Bourne now? Get me, Bourne!” said the boss from the control center while everybody yelled and typed away on their spying computers.

Now Jason Bourne just got on a motorcycle and popped this crazy wheelie up onto the -- BEEP BEEP! Look out!

Books are for nerds!

Whisper in the Wind

2008-12-16T12:32:00.000-08:00

FYI, the new HBO documentary Cat Dancers is 100% completely insane. You should really make an effort to watch it.

I waited for an elevator today. The doors opened and as I got on, the guy inside gave me the stinkeye, said, "Great, looks like I got the local" and started bashing the Door Close button with his fist. I'm putting the over/under on heart attacks this guy has had at 3.5.

I’m somewhat short on patience myself, but anyone who goes to town on the Door Close button is a born sucker. It seems to me that the doors close when they want to close and the button is just a pacifier for people who have to be the boss of everything. Secondly, that local joke, its crustiness aside, is meant for people who are already on the elevator with you. When you say it to the one person who is getting on the elevator you're basically saying, "Surprise: I hate you!"

For the record, my reply to him was "Huh? Oh. Yep." That's my crowd work skills kicking in!

Related to stand-up, almost every time I do Ochi's Lounge at Comix I find a way to hit my head on the low ceiling overhang. Before I went onstage there on Saturday I consciously reminded myself to avoid hitting my head. Then I walked onstage, leaned over to set my drink on the stool and instead of hitting my head, I stood up and BASHED my head. That is an improvement in the wrong direction. But don't worry, I bounced back and proved yet again that I am one of the comedians of all time!

Kid Dynamite

2008-12-16T11:04:00.001-08:00

I’ll be the last person to feel sorry for a convicted rapist losing his figure, but still, this somehow makes me feel very old. Iron Mike is now your boss but with a face tattoo.

"Karen is passing around the new timesheets. Please be sure all overtime is up to date or I'll bite your ears off."

Your number is up

2008-12-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

I just went through my archives and realized that I haven't made fun of Natalie Cole yet. An oversight on my part that ends right now! I had occasion to go to Staples yesterday. This is the CD they had on display at the checkout:

You heard her: still! And you’ll never guess what else. The album is all traditional songs plus a duet with her dead dad who is Nat King Cole. And people say that Madonna is the queen of reinvention. Obviously, those people have never been to Staples.

Just to clarify, Nat King Cole died when he was 45 years old and Natalie Cole is now 58 years old. Eventually, this might start to feel a little weird is all.

I guess the next step is to CGI herself into CAT BALLOU.

Boom! A reference to the movie Cat Ballou! And my earlier post about the cookbook for balls? It’s only Monday and I’m already on fire!

Commemorative

2008-12-15T09:24:00.001-08:00

This is my 69th post of the year. I don’t want any off color comments about this. I mean, I get it. The number 69. Very funny. Now grow up and save that kind of talk for the gutter!

Anyway, check out the new book I’ve been reading:

It Begins

2008-12-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

This comedy show should prove to be a doozy so start buying your tickets now:

Riverside Arts Center
Ypsilanti, MI
January 23rd and 24th
8:00 PM
$12

Vince Averill
Greg Johnson
Matt McCarthy
Jesse Popp

Like I said, start buying your tickets!

The Wet Look

2008-12-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

People of New York,

I urge you to continue barreling down the sidewalk and whacking me in the face with your gigantic, stupid umbrellas like it’s no big deal. This is not a time for common courtesy. I just want you to focus on how it would feel to have one raindrop land on you. Really focus on it. Let it wash over you like one raindrop. Now get out there and do your worst!

And if it's not raining, just whack me in the face with something else. We don't even know each other!

Jesse

Emphasis Added

2008-12-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

This, from Wikipedia, is pretty funny:

Tom The Fool (real name Tom Skelton) was a jester in the castle at the end of the 16th Century - reputedly the last court jester in English history. A friend of William Shakespeare, he was by all accounts a dark character responsible for a number of deaths during his time at Muncaster, not merely the murder of the carpenter at Sir Ferdinand Pennington's orders. One of his ideas of a "joke" was directing anyone asking him for directions to Ravenglass towards the hidden quicksand and bog marsh by the River Esk rather than the ford - some realised in time, many did not and were never seen again.

Present owners of Muncaster, Phyllada and Patrick Gordon-Duff-Pennington, believe Tom still keeps a watchful eye on the castle, and occasionally gets up to more sinister mischief. Most of the ghostly goings on are attributed to this fiendish fool, but with several other ghosts at Muncaster any of them could be responsible.

His portrait still hangs in the Castle, which contains his Will. Skelton died around 1600, according to legend in the very marshes where he'd sent so many to their deaths when trying to return to the castle whilst drunk.

The castle still has a special day called 'Tom Fool's day', which is a family fun day with various attractions.

Snackers

2008-12-11T08:33:00.001-08:00

Let’s see what California is up to:

ANDERSON — A trio of Anderson girls are in hot water with their fast-food employer for dipping themselves into the sink used to clean dishes.

One of the girls bathing in the sink at the Anderson Kentucky Fried Chicken posted the photos on the Internet and after management learned of them, all three were suspended today, said Cheri, assistant manager at the restaurant. She declined to give her last name.

Suspended?? What, can you get tenure at KFC? Does management have to meet with these girls’ union steward first? They took a bath in the sink of a Kentucky Fried Chicken! I feel faint. I think I need to sit down for a minute.

See, this is why I’ve never read Fast Food Nation. By the second chapter I'd probably go rent a car and drive off a cliff. Let's keep the grossness behind closed doors!

Don’t act like you didn’t know I was Spider-Man

2008-12-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Leaded

2008-12-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Johnny Cash might be high on drugs in this clip. Drugs meaning plural.

Lenny Dykstra = MC2

2008-12-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

From the NY Post:

Halcyon Jets alleged this month that Dykstra bounced a $7,000 check for a September flight from Las Vegas to Van Nuys, Calif.

"That's my f- - -in' ashtray money, bro," he said. "I don't even know if I flew on their plane.

Dykstra also showed The Post the jacket lining of his charcoal-gray pinstripe suit. "See that purple label, bro? That's seven large."

Give me one good reason why this guy isn't interviewed every day. Just one. See? You can't do it!

And in future news, according to the NY Times, you can now get your kids’ DNA tested to see which sports they’re best suited for:

BOULDER, Colo. — When Donna Campiglia learned recently that a genetic test might be able to determine which sports suit the talents of her 2 ½-year-old son, Noah, she instantly said, Where can I get it and how much does it cost?

“I could see how some people might think the test would pigeonhole your child into doing fewer sports or being exposed to fewer things, but I still think it’s good to match them with the right activity,” Ms. Campiglia, 36, said as she watched a toddler class at Boulder Indoor Soccer in which Noah struggled to take direction from the coach between juice and potty breaks.

Good grief. Is there even a small chance that this lady will not make her kid turn total screwjob? I can’t wait until the test comes back that Noah could be good at basketball and then she takes to yelling at him in the driveway for playing with bugs instead of working on his post moves. “Well, it looks like someone doesn’t want a scholarship in fifteen and a half years! You’re making a disgrace of your whole genome!”

You can only hope to contain me

2008-12-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

So, did everyone have a nice Thanksgiving? Great!

I ate with some friends up in Harlem. Here’s a video from when I did the same thing last year:

Anyway, when I got there this time I noticed a scale in the bathroom. I weighed myself and then I weighed myself again right before I left. And guess what? I was ten and a half pounds heavier. By the next day I was back to normal but the fact remains that I am a first-class pig!

Also, I won at poker but lost at Yahtzee. Something to work on for next year.

High on The Hog

2008-11-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

Things are getting worse every day. Here is a chilling excerpt from Page Six Magazine’s Desperately Seeking Sugar Daddies:

Since the financial markets started collapsing back in March, wealthy Prince Charmings, already an endangered species on the nightlife scene, have become almost completely extinct. The handsome ones aren't charming, the charming ones aren't handsome and many of the rich ones are now poor.

Okay, everybody calm down! After I read this I stayed up all night and I think I have a workable plan. First, round up all the wealthy Prince Charmings and fit them with radio collars so we can track them and help ensure their habitat. We can pay the rich ones who are now poor to do it. This will help them get back on their feet. Second, the handsome ones who aren’t charming will be sent to Madison Square Garden for a showing of the first two seasons of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I still have to make some calls, but it’s a tentative yes for Monday, December 1st and those of you who already bought tickets for An Evening With Tina Turner will be given full refunds. Finally, the charming ones who aren’t handsome will talk their way into discounted memberships at Crunch Fitness and bulk pricing for all Axe Body Spray products. Now get out there and go show some chicks a night on the town!

What's this? Hold the phone:

Today even losers can score. According to Ted, "You used to hear women say, 'I'd never date anyone who makes less than $1 million.' You don't hear that anymore. The number is getting lower and lower and lower."

Oh man, add about ten or twelve more lowers to that and I might be in the scoring business. Forget about my earlier plan! Don’t trust the banks! Sell! Sell! SELL!

"When we go out there are usually four guys buying us drinks. Now there is only one," sighs the petite 24-year-old brunette. "Guys just aren't going out as much. Plus, men aren't buying bottle service so there are no tables to invite women back to." The other two nod ruefully.

Why didn't they put a name to this quote? Now I'll never meet my future bride!

In all seriousness, though, you gotta like your chances once you’re the fourth guy buying girls drinks. This is who we had in charge of our money!

Glazed

2008-11-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

About eight years ago I worked as a courier for a commercial real estate company in Detroit. My duties included driving around, picking up and dropping off various documents, making bank deposits, walking around in bookstores, taking naps in parking lots, etc. All for only $9 an hour! Sometimes I'd also have to drop off small-scale bribes, which were either Red Wings tickets or a case of Krispy Kreme donuts. I guess you're not supposed to give clients such gifts, so I was always told to drop them off without saying where I was from (wink, wink, nudge, poke, wink). The catch was that I always took them to places that I already went to two or three times a week, so they'd say, "Hi, Jesse. Oh hey, donuts. Thanks!"

Anyway, I think my company had a tab or some sort of understanding with Krispy Kreme. All I ever had to do was walk in wearing my dumb jacket with the company logo on it and say something like "Fifty donuts, please" and then they'd give me fifty donuts for free and all the other customers would stop and stare at me like I must be the President of The United States of America (in reality, it was Bill Clinton). I always wanted to walk in there and say "Fifty donuts, please" for my own selfish purposes but I never had the nerve. Or the donuts!

I only remembered that story just now because I've been sitting at my desk thinking about how as soon as that cafeteria opens I'm gonna pour a cup of coffee and go stuff my face with a big fat afternoon donut. I guess that's what growing up is all about.

Also, get this: I must have dropped a quarter as I walked into the subway station this morning, because some lady followed me down onto the platform and said, “Sir, you dropped your quarter!” and gave it back to me. All that for two bits! It’s so rare that a stranger is that overtly friendly to me in New York, that whenever it happens I momentarily wonder if I’m about to get mugged. Like, I say thanks and reach for the quarter and then her buddy hits me in the head with a pipe. Konk! “They finally got me!”

Luckily, she was just a nice lady who thinks I love quarters. After I got off the train I threw it at a bird. I could tell it thought it was better than me!

It's Thursday!

2008-11-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

I am a longtime enjoyer of Spam, but they aren’t doing themselves any favors with quotes like this:

Spam is a combination of ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and a “hint” of sodium nitrite “to help Spam keep its gorgeous pink color,” according to Hormel’s Web site for the product. Because it is vacuum-sealed in a can and does not require refrigeration, Spam can last for years. Hormel says “it’s like meat with a pause button.”

I’ll rewind and pretend I didn’t see that. Spam is pretty gorgeous, though.

From the AP:

HOUSTON - Astronauts vowed to double-check, even triple-check, to make sure a bag of tools is properly tied down during a spacewalk Thursday so it doesn't float away like one did earlier this week.

They'd better triple-check. We just gave $700 bilion to the banking industry, I’m not springing for a bag of tools, too!

Here is one of the contested ballots in the Minnesota Senate recount:

See that, Lizard People? He’s on to your scam. He’s just not quite sure how it works. But he likes it!

Finally, this is very funny:

Puff! Glug! Fart!

2008-11-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

Do I still have time to start my New Year's Resolutions or should I just hold off for another go in January? Let me know!

Worse comes to worse, at least my Christmas shopping's already done:

They keep breaking out of the wrapping paper! These orangutans are driving me crazy!

More Power

2008-11-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

Looks like the internet has finally hit its stride: Tour Jack Kevorkian’s Apartment

I also saw this: 100 Skills Every Man Should Know. I went through the list and it would appear that I’m only 46% of a proper man. Well, ladies, I guess if you need a fella who can whittle or calibrate HDTV settings, it might be best for you to hit the road. Otherwise, hop in and watch me drive this stick-shift! And maybe later I’ll even change your diaper. Vroooooom!

Mexican scientists turn tequila into diamonds

Of course they do!

Quebec convict freed for being obese

This guy was smuggling in cakes with CAKES on the inside. That's what's called a double switcheroo joke.

And finally, Tony Dow has a sculpture in The Louvre.

Have a good weekend!

Yay, that.

2008-11-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Dear British Orphans,

I have the most wonderful news! A council in London has banned cigarette smokers from fostering children. That means you'll never have to worry about second hand smoke ever again.

Now get back into the cellar and finish your gruel!!

There he is, Mr. President

2008-11-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is our next President is an African American who ran for the Illinois Senate in 2004.

Now the bad news.

It's not Alan Keyes!

"What?? But I'm crazy!!"

I'm sorry, Alan.

"Forget you, I'm moving into the White House!"

Alan, you can't just do that. You got ZERO electoral votes!

"What if I sit right here? How many do I have now?"

Still zero.

"What if I do this?"

Zero!

I got whipped!

2008-11-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

I frequently eat at Blue 9 Burger on Sundays before I go to Beauty Bar (you should frequently eat at somewhere on Sundays before you go to Beauty Bar as well). But last night I was at Blue 9 and I found a clump of hair in my french fries. A whole clump! And look, I’d bet I’ve eaten much grosser things than some dumb old hair, but at least those other things had the guts to sneak into me. It’s all about gamesmanship.

Not to be outdone, I just read about a new form of tuberculosis caused Extremely Drug Resistant Tuberculosis (XDR-TB). Right now it's found mostly in the Third World and places like Russian prisons but there have been a number of cases right here in New York City. It has a mortality rate of 40% (as opposed to regular TB's 5%) and the meds used to treat it cost $20,000 and can cause liver damage, violent diarrhea, seizures and psychosis. And you have to take them for two years.

So fair warning: anyone who gives me XDR-TB is going straight into my doghouse. Enjoy the hairy french fries!

40-40

2008-10-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

Broke rich people have got to be some of the biggest dummies in the whole world. I caught a documentary on A&E about Jose Canseco trying to quit steroids. He talked about how he can't find a job and is nearing bankruptcy. Then it cut to him walking around the outside of his chained up, foreclosed mansion. Then, later on, we find out that he managed to scrape up enough money to put a year's worth of rent down on a new place. And guess what? It was another mansion! Jose, all that juice has shriveled your brain in addition to your nuts! Get a bachelor pad, sell your fleet of motorcycles, eat some packed lunches and then you can cancel your boxing match with Danny Bonaduce. Trust me, I'm check to check and have never had to box anybody.

Just going by what I’ve learned of these men from reality shows, this is my impression of them right before the fight:

Jose Canseco: Aw gee whiz, I wish I had bigger muscles and could still play baseball.

Danny Bonaduce: Arrgh, I finally get to box Jose Canseco!!

Slo Poke

2008-10-31T11:36:00.001-07:00

When I was a little kid I hoped that I would grow up to be short so I could just put on a mask and continue trick or treating into adulthood. I also recall wanting big sideburns and a house that was connected to the garage so I could go straight from the house to my car and then drive away just like Batman did. Basically, I guess I was hoping to wind up the neighborhood weirdo.

But now I’m 6’2’’ and living in an apartment with no garage, car, candy or sideburns. I haven’t even seen the new Batman movie. Quite a fall from grace!

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

Who is the real spaghetti and meatballs?

2008-10-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

The cafeteria at my work is holding a pretty important election of its own. What should I want to eat for lunch on Wednesday November 5th? Here are my choices:

Spaghetti and Meatballs
Chicken Parmesan
Traditional Meatloaf

Hmmm, I think I'll probably vote forrrrr spaghett--oh no, some guy just tackled me and carved a chicken parmesan into my face! Meatloaf without preconditions! George Bush! Political comedy!

IT WILL BE SO STRONG

2008-10-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

Hot dog, it looks like they released some more Kwame Kilpatrick text messages! The gift that keeps on giving:

Kwame Kilpatrick: John Kerry dissed me. I'm trippin!

That has some very strong catchphrase potential. I wonder if he dissed you because your wife beat up a stripper in your mansion, you covered it up, then she got murdered in a drive-by shooting and you fired most of the people who tried to investiagte you and now the stripper's family is suing the city for $150 million. Maybe that's it! Letting this guy be the mayor of Detroit for six years was worse than the Tigers trading for Juan Gonzales.

The court filing with the messages has been released as a 349 page PDF, and yes, I was bored enough to give it the once over. Um, here's one that probably won't make it into the paper:

Christine Beatty:I really wanted to give you some good head this morning and I didn’t know how to ask you to let me do it. I have wanted to since Friday night when you asked me at the club

Kilpatrick: Damn. I just got out the shower and looked at my 2way. NEXT TIME, JUST TELL ME TO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, and DO YOUR THING! I’m fucked up now!

Oh man, I think they might go "all the way"! There are plenty more that are even funnier and grosser than that, but I’ll refrain from posting them here (cough, pages 43-46, cough, stay away from page 153, cough).

This one’s only funny when you, as I've touched on before, read it thinking about how these are two people in charge of running a whole city with over 900,000 residents:

KK: EVERYTHING IS COOL. DID YOU GET BUSTED? YOU WERE KIND OF WET LAST NIGHT, INSIDE AND OUT. LOL

CB: OH, YOU GOT JOKES? ACTUALLY I DID GET BUSTED. WHICH IS WHY I WAS CHECKING IN WITH YOU. I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU HAD ROOM ON LESLIE WITH ME! LOL

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT ON LESLIE, BUT ANYWHERE ELSE YOU WANT TO STAY. LOL

CB: LOL LOL! DANG, YOU WOULDN’T TAKE ME INTO YOUR HOME? YOU TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME. WHAT HAPPENED? LOL.

KK: LOL LOL LOL! NOT THE FAMOUS FLIP AGAIN…

Mr. Mayor, we might have to close 100 schools and over one third of the city lives below the poverty line! What should we do?? LOL LOL LOL! I’m fucked up now!

One more. And if I ever get married, these will definitely be my wedding vows:

KK: You and I - Jodeci. That's my cut. You and me, me and you. We can make love all night long. IT WILL BE SO STRONG BABY. IT WILL BE SO STRONG. I just want to say how I feel about you, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Anyway, maybe for your next job leave Mayor off your resume and just hope they don't Google you. See ya, fartface!

Shuffle Up and Update This Blog!

2008-10-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well, my posting on here has been nothing if not inconsistent. It's not that I don't get ideas or have exciting things happen to me. No, that’s not it at all! It's just that sometimes I'll sit down at a computer and wonder if the world is ready to know about how I, for example, came upon a Burger King in Hartford, CT that still serves Rodeo Cheeseburgers and I ate two of them. Maybe, I'll think, this would be better suited for something like a one man show or The Great American Novel.

So you can see my predicament. And now here you are, over a month with no news from the front. My deepest apologies!

So far, only one funny thing has happened to me today. I was walking up out of the subway this morning when I heard a guy yell this:

“Women in charge is a lesbian lie! Women…in charge…is a lesbian…LIE!”

I laughed, turned to spot the guy and almost fell down the escalator but caught hold of the handrail at the last second. Then people started laughing at me instead. You crazy guys yelling gibberish are fixing for a feud!

Angel's Night

2008-09-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago, Danny Solomon approached me with an idea for a show. He wanted to fan the flames of hometown pride and have a tournament of comedians grouped into teams based on where they are from. I thought, "That's not a bad idea, but it will probably never happen because Danny Solomon is from Kansas City and people from Kansas City are well known to be lazy and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without handouts from the government." Then I went to go talk to someone from the Metro Detroit area so I could feel like a real American again.

But, lo and behold, he pulled it off!

Tonight at The Pit
The 1st Annual All-Cities Comedy Tournament
Team New Jersey vs Team Detroit
Hosted by Danny Solomon and David Cope
9:30 PM
$8

Buy tickets here.

Here are the lineups:

Team Detroit
Jesse Popp
Brent Sullivan
Jiwon Li

Team New Jersey
Nick Maritato
Sean O'Connor
Julian McCullough

And just to get you up to speed on this match up, let's take a completely objective look at the tale of the tape.

Industry
Detroit: The Automobile
New Jersey: Manhattan's garbage

EDGE: Detroit

Sports
Detroit: Joe Louis, Tigers, Pistons, Red Wings, Lions
New Jersey: Two football teams that tell everybody they're from New York, a basketball team that's moving to Brooklyn, and a hockey team named after Satan.

EDGE: Detroit

Music
Detroit: Motown, Bill Haley, The Stooges, MC5, Bob Seger, Alice Cooper, Glenn Frey from THE EAGLES, Sonny Bono, Madonna, The White Stripes, should I keep going or are you ready to call Uncle…Kracker!
New Jersey: Bon Jovi

EDGE: Detroit

Organized Crime
Detroit: The Purple Gang, The Chambers Brothers
New Jersey: The Sopranos on A&E without the swears

EDGE: Detroit

Weird Laws
Detroit: You can do whatever you want.
New Jersey: You can't pump your own gas.

Edge: Detroit

Incongruous Nickname
Detroit: The Paris of the West
New Jersey: The Garden State

EDGE: Detroit

Recent Political Scandal
Detroit: The mayor had a girlfriend
New Jersey: The governor had a boyfriend.

EDGE: Push

Whoa, Detroit in a landslide!

Provided we win, here are the other places that I am fully prepared to pretend that I hate at upcoming shows:

Chicago
Lake Michigan? Michigan Avenue? I think it's pretty clear where you wish you were from in your dreams!

New Orleans
French Quarter? Detroit = 100% USA!

Providence
Hey, look at me! I went to Brown University where nobody gets grades because I'm a big hippy nerd!

New York
People from New York say waiting on line rather than waiting in line and actually do neither. For that, three of their citizens must be defeated in a stand-up comedy competition!

Boston
A very racist place, whereas Detroit has no history of any racial tension whatsoever.

Atlanta
Not sure what to say here since I've never even been to Atlanta before. Boo hoo, I better go kill myself!

Good luck, everybody!

Next Stop: Right Now

2008-08-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people skulk around the subway turnstiles and then ask people for a swipe of their Metro Card. A woman was doing this on my way to work the other morning. I didn’t realize that my card had expired until I swiped it and the screen said INSUFFICIENT FARE. So I walked over to the machine to get a new card, but the woman mistook my walking away as me swiping my card for her. She said, “Ohhhh, thank you so much!” and barreled right into the still locked turnstile before I could say anything.

We’ll file that story under You Had to Be There Physical Comedy.

Anyway, if you happen to be in or around Cambridge, MA next Tuesday, you should come to the Lizard Lounge. I’ll be doing stand-up at my friend Neil Cleary’s show called Neil Cleary’s Doozy. Says this mention:

Boston roots rocker Neil Cleary says he wants Doozy, his Tuesday night residency
running through August at the Lizard Lounge, to feel like a cross between the
classic rock documentary "The Last Waltz" and "The Muppet Show." And if anyone
can pull off that balance, Cleary would be a good candidate. He has a knack for
writing infectious pop rock tunes undercut with sarcasm and self-deprecation
(think Matthew Sweet or Aimee Mann). The residency will feature comedians (Jesse
Popp), musicians (Boston's David Champagne), funny musicians (James Kochalka
Superstar), and musical comedians (MC Mr. Napkins).

21+. 8:30 p.m. $5.
The Lizard Lounge, 1667 Massachusetts Ave., Cambridge. 617-547-0759.

Looking at the flyer, the other performers on my night are:

James Kochalka Superstar
David Kamm
MC Mr. Napkins
The Artificial Hearts

Come on down!

Also, come to Beauty Bar on Sunday!

Do so many things!

Spain So Solly!

2008-08-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

As most of you probably know, the Summer Olympics are currently taking place in China. So, obviously, the Spanish basketball team posed for this photograph:

Not Pictured: Shooting Guard Mickey Rooney

Take a lap, Spain!

Late to the Party

2008-08-14T13:15:00.001-07:00

I came home last night and saw that somebody had gone to work on the door to my apartment building. Broke through the first pane of glass, tried to pry open the lock. Hasn’t this person heard about gentrification? You should be doodling in a coffee shop, jerk face!

And where were the old drunk guys that play dominoes outside almost 24 hours a day when all this happened? Their surveillance skills may be slipping seeing as how I’ve walked past them at least 900 times and the other day I came home and one of them said, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

If you ask me, I think the landlord tried to steal the building for the insurance money, but then realized it wouldn’t fit in his van. At the very least, I put the over/under on him fixing the door at 4.5 months. Place your bets!

To be honest, though, I’m not even sure where I live. When I first moved in the broker said it was Williamsburg. Then someone asked me where I lived, I said Williamsburg, they asked me my cross streets, I told them and they said, “Nice try, that’s Bushwick.” So then I started saying Bushwick but someone pulled the same routine and said, “Sorry, that’s Williamsburg.” So now whenever someone asks me where I live I just throw a bunch of Neutral Milk Hotel CDs into the air and run out of the room. The perfect diversion!

Painting the Town Famous

2008-08-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Michigan I never got to see very many celebrities. The truth is it's mostly people from "The Midwest". Sure, one time I saw Chris Hansen at the hardware store, but that was back when he was still a local reporter on the make and online predators were just a glimmer in his eye.

But here in New York almost every time you turn around it's Wowee! and Holy Smokes! Lookee who it is! Here are some of the celebrities I've seen and what exactly it was that I saw them doing.

Andre Dawson

Autographing a baseball for a youngster.

Wallace Shawn

Dropping something in the street and then picking it back up. Whoops!

The Guy from Ashford and Simpson

Wandering through Central Park alone, appearing to be strung out on pancake makeup.

Andy Rooney

Shuffling down the sidewalk at the rate of one half mile per hour. They should be called sideSHUFFLES, right Andy?

Michael Musto

Riding his bicycle in search of gossip.

Rihanna

I came upon a crowd of people causing a commotion on the sidewalk. A young woman I didn’t recognize was being lead into an SUV by a bunch of bodyguards. I asked some lady who it was and she said RIHANNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I guess that was her.

Adrien Brody

Walking with his arm around a girl. He must be beating them off with an Oscar!

Tim Robbins

Using an ATM. I tried to see what his balance was but I was all the way on the other side of the street!

RZA

I walked right past him and looked at him like “Whoa, it’s The RZA from Wu Tang Clan!” And then he looked at me like “Whoa, it’s Jesse Popp from the 2002 season of Comedy Central’s Premium Blend hosted by Wanda Sykes!” Then I went to go get a haircut.

Who do you think I'll see next??

Shipping and Handling

2008-07-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

Gimmie Gimmie I Need I Need

2008-07-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

So, I happened upon this online: Hardballs: How to Mind Control Customer Service Reps written by some lady named Lona.

I've worked three different customer service jobs* and almost every word of this thing gave me horrible flashbacks. Dig in:

When you get a CSR on the phone, immediately ask to speak to a supervisor When/if they insist that they can help you, keeping your tone low and even, state again that you need to speak to a supervisor. Not want, need. If they again insist, state in a clear and calm, low tone, that they WILL connect you to a supervisor, now. Do not yell, shout, or raise your voice or tone. "No. You are going to get a supervisor for me. Thank you. I'll wait." Say "thank you" immediately. Do not wait for them to answer your request first. If they again insist, hang up immediately. Call back. If you get the same person, make the request again, and if they again refuse, hang up, wait one hour for a shift change, and then call back. Do not give the initial person your name. They do not need it.

Good grief, woman! Right out of the gate like that? Every time? Perhaps the biggest sourpuss ever born. I also take issue with this:

This is not a 'talent', it is a skill, and by following these steps you can usually avoid the horrific experiences many consumers have. Not to mention gain a wonderful story.

Oh, I bet! You know, I remember reading that after Bob Newhart did his first show the crowd went nuts and wanted an encore, but he didn't have any other material, so he went out and did the same set again. That probably happens to this lady all the time. Just crushing everywhere she goes with her So Then I Said routine. Ugh, go live on the moon why don't ya!

*Here’s something funny from one of those jobs. After every call the customer was sent an email an asked to comment on the service they received. This is one of the actual responses I got and saved:

"I find Jesse to be a model of Christ-like perfection in every conceivable way. Give him more power!"

I’m afraid to say they never did. Although, they did write me up for having an “attitude problem.” Just like they did to Jesus!

Adultery-Rod

2008-07-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

So, all the gossip rags have been abuzz because the baseball player Alex Rodriguez is rumored to be sleeping with Madonna. Then today it came out that his wife, Cynthia, might be sleeping with Lenny Kravitz. That all seems pretty outlandish, but when they got married they agreed to only cheat on each other with people who had songs on the Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me soundtrack. BLAMMO!!

Report

2008-07-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie called Half Nelson last night. It's about a schoolteacher in Brooklyn who smokes a lot of crack and learns lessons. It was pretty good. Although, I was struck by one scene where he had company over and rushed to tidy up the place so as to not look like a crackhead at the end of his rope and it only took him 20 seconds. I looked around my apartment and figured it would probably take me half an hour and I've never even done regular cocaine. Oh well, there was also a scene where a girl socked him right in the mouth and that's never happened to me, so we'll call this one a wash!

Secondly, here is a commercial for a car dealership which features Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella rapping. Now, Ozzie Guillen is mostly just generally bad at rapping, but Lou Pinella is quite simply out of this world! What is he doing?! Did he see somebody rap in 1980 and then somehow manage to never see it again? "You want me to what? Rap? Ohhhh, you mean like that Debbie Harry stuff? Let's do it!"

Anyway, here it is:

Ditto:Ditto:Ditto:YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!!!

2008-06-25T09:05:00.001-07:00

A benefit to buying used books is that the previous owners sometimes leave their weirdo stuff inside the pages. For example, this potential missing link between the serious, paper-based office memo and hilarious e-mail forward. Who knew there was trouble in the workplace even way back in 1989!

We're Talking About Practice

2008-06-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

If you’re going to do a news story called Don’t Mess With These Granny B-Ballers, you might want the video to show them making at least ONE basket. You took a whole crew down there and the Grannies really did nothing but shoot airballs and dribble off their feet all day? Did the game end in a 0-0 tie with 500 turnovers? You’re warning me not to mess with them, but now I feel like I could!

They Butts

2008-06-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

My gift to you today is this direct quote from a drunk guy yelling on the subway this morning:

"The one thing that makes me so happy is that women get old, too! All women gonna get old! And they fart and they butts stink! They take off they panties and they butts stink! And now I gotta go to court for some bullshit?? I’m gonna drink this beer and then another beer and then another beer! You’re all pagans!"

Also, here’s a picture of a squirrel that is cooler than you. Let it sink in that you are not as cool as this squirrel. He's just hanging out!

Right Quick

2008-06-20T12:19:00.001-07:00

The Bilderberg Group, believed by some to be the shadow government that secretly runs the world, held their annual meeting in Chantilly, VA recently. Says this article:

According to a list published by one critic, the attendees of Bilderberg 2008 include Henry Kissinger, Ben S. Bernanke, David Rockefeller, Vin Weber, Henry Kravis, Robert B. Zoelick, Donald Graham, Vernon Jordan, Charlie Rose, and their equals from Europe.

Charlie Rose was there?? It all makes sense now!

"Bring me the head of Tavis Smiley!"

"NOVA will be mine!"

Hard Target

2008-06-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

To the person who found this site by searching for crunchy corn bran shortage,

I suppose I should have been more specific in my previous post.
I found my box here:

Good luck!

And to the person who found this site by repeatedly searching for jesse porn,

I’m gonna find out where you live and hit you over the head with my purse. Fresh!